To be completely terrified

[nh1994]

Hi. Please be gentle. I’ve posted a few times on mumsnet about being unsure about my pregnancy. I’m nearly 12 weeks and really really panicking about having a baby, I know this is normal to an extent but how do people actually cope? Like if your baby doesn’t stop crying or doesn’t sleep how do you get up in the morning and actually want to have your day if it’s just so relentless all the time? How do you know you’ll actually enjoy having a child and what are you meant to do if you realise you’ve actually made a terrible mistake and then resent your child? I’m considering terminating as I think that if I regret it it’s only me that has to live with it whereas if I have a baby and regret it then the child would grow up with a resentful parent and that’s not fair. How do you actually know you’re making the right choice? I couldn’t even think about abortion for the first 9ish weeks without crying, now I’m considering it. If I think I’ll regret it at this stage is there any hope that actually I’ll love and enjoy being a mum ? I don’t know what to do

All the things you dread might happen and a lot of it is a massive adjustment BUT the unimaginable love you will feel for your baby, the endorphins that will kick in when you smell them, hold them, see the smile they give you, will make it all bearable.

I always thought I'd regret having children but once I decided to have one, I committed to being the best possible parent I could be.

No-one is perfect, it's a learning curve for all new parents. You'll make mistakes, but you'll learn from them. Sometimes you'll try everything and your baby will still cry because they don't have any other form if communication, cuddle them and if it gets too much put them safely in their cot and leave the room for a minute to compose yourself.

What is your home situation? Do you work? Have family to support you, etc?

Oh love, you sound as though you’re having a difficult time. Have you thought about counselling? www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

Do you have a partner or anyone supporting you? It is perfectly normal to have these concerns and I think it already shows you to be a caring lovely mother that you are considering these things. No one can tell you what will happen but the chances are you will be ok. It is hard of course but the love you will feel will get you through. Try and find someone in real life to talk your fears through with. A midwife or doctor? They may be able to get some counselling sorted for you

I think everyone has panic moments in pregnancy as first time round you are going into the unknown so it’s ok to feel in a panic.

Babies will cry, it’s their only way of communicating bit normally you can work out what’s wrong and they stick and are content again. Sometimes they will cry and not stop whatever you do and it can be hard but generally if you soothe them, take them for a walk etc they stop.

Yes, it’s all consuming looking after a little one but you just learn a new way of living. Your not going to have proper nights sleep initially but if it’s your first and on mat leave you can sleep when baby sleeps during the day and cope that way.

Are you totally on your own or do you have support ?

If you do think a termination is what you want watch your time on it all as at 12 weeks you’d need to get it organised sooner rather than later.

It’s your choice and your life and your decision but it’s totally ok to feel panic and worry. I think everyone can say it’s totally normal to worry about the life changing aspects of it. Take care x

Your post sounds panicked - can you sit somewhere and be still for a minute, and just breathe? Having a child is sometimes a scary prospect but try to clear your mind. Only you know what you really want to do but at some point you need to decide and stick with that decision.

Sleepless nights are hard but some sort of primal thing kicks in and your natural instinct will be to prioritise and protect your baby when they are here.

Can you imagine how you might feel if you lost the baby? That might help you to make a decision?

@nh1994 it sounds like you are suffering from anxiety rather than any rational fear about having a baby. Having a baby is tough and there probably will be times when you long for your pre-baby life! But there will also be times when you look at this little bundle you created and are full of love and happiness.
As for coping.. you just do! You don't have a choice as this little person is your responsibility. The sleepless nights do pass quickly though- although it may not feel like it at the time.
Was this baby planned? Do you have a support network around you to help you? For what it's worth, I don't know anyone who says they don't love their children unconditionally - even at the toughest of times.

I was absolutey petrified too and if I'm honest we do have what we would consider (and my parents have even said) an unhappy baby. I would be lying if I said the early days weren't difficult and you will have moments of "what have we done?!" but once baby has settled into the outside world and you have got used to your baby being around, it becomes much easier.

My baby has reflux, she had colic in the early days and because of this regularly has constipation because of the medication she is on. She's now 14 weeks old. However, despite all of the crying I wouldn't change her for the world, because once you work out what the different cries mean, you start to feel confident that you can help ease what it is she's asking for.

Before you make the decision to terminate why don't you discuss your thoughts and feelings with your midwife? She's not just there to do the routine checks but she can help you with anxieties and generally support with other pregnancy and mother related things.

Thanks everyone for being nice to me. To answer some questions:

Baby wasn’t planned, actually huge shock as Drs told me I wouldn’t get pregnant without help due to PCOS.
I’m 25, unemployed as lost retail job due to Covid. Was planning on going back to uni this year.
I have a partner, together 4 years. Initially he was against me continuing but has come around & is happy, says he will support me no matter what.
Don’t have much family support, mum has many issues (addiction, mental health etc) & we don’t speak as it’s not good for me. and my dad isn’t a very good dad. More my friend. My boyf’s parents would be a good help though.

I’ve had 2 scans at 9w and 11w. First scan I was super happy when I seen baby, second I was less so but still happy looking at it and do look at the pics often.

We actually just moved as our previous flat wasn’t fit for a baby. I seem to worry a lot about things that aren’t a big deal really, eg last night I was lying awake the full night because the walls in the new place are really thin and I’m scared of neighbours hearing baby cry and me being judged.

I do have bad anxiety as you can probably tell from my post. Before I got pregnant I used to worry all the time about giving birth even though I wasn’t pregnant or planning! Now I’ve hardly even thought about that part.

I’m in Scotland so my local sexual health & abortion service is the Sandyford. I phoned them when I found out (at 5 weeks), spoke to a counsellor but didn’t find it very helpful. Maybe I should try again but I’m aware I’m running out of time.

I would definitely struggle going through with an abortion but I just can’t shake the feeling that I might regret this.

Yes speak to your midwife you sound very anxious. In a way its good that you are aware of these things already, I didn't think of nay of it and then my first baby had colic, reflux, oral thrush and water infection all at the same time cried non stop and I thought omg no-one told me about all of this but you look after them because you love them, the tiredness can get unbearable but then I also know someone with a 12 week old and she says she isn't tired one bit??!! They won't cry forever, what baby does. There will be hard moments but there will be amazing moments, life gets exciting having a child, the proudness you feel you cab feel your heart melt and the love bursting for them when they have their first class assembly and they have a little part and they keep smiling and waving at you looking out for you in the crowd, when they have birthday parties, when they say I love you, when they smile up at you for the first time as a baby. Just try and get prepared, buy reflux and colic medicines, buy anti congestion nasal sprays or whatever babies can use, use sleep noise apps. It really does not last forever the crying stage and you might not even get a crying baby, you can go for walks, good for you both etc. Good Luck

They way I dealt with no having a clue what I was doing was to think that everyone else does it and has done for thousands of years. Same with the actual giving birth bit. I just thought I'm no different to other people so I'll can do it. And I did.

A baby blocks you from doing a lot of things. You get some life back when they are around 5. So Uni could happen later on. Unless you've got a really good support system and babysitters, it is relentless and there's nothing much else going on.

I used to be pro-baby, I had my first at 18, in the 80's, but life offers so much more now. I wouldn't say what I have, unless you had doubts. You're quite right that many Mum's do resent their children, especially after a split and the child suffers.

If you split would his Parents still be a support? What does that support consist if? When your Partner says he'll support you, is he also offering to co-parent? Very few men do actually co-parent, especially under 30.

OP I don’t know about Scotland but here if your experiencing these feelings we normally refer to the perinatal mental health team so u can have some support antenatal. It’s not going to answer all ur problems tho but I think a lot of what u are feeling also sounds normal (and realistic!) for first time mum. Lots of women are shocked at the crying & lack of sleep surprisingly so u sound practical.

I hope u get the support u need and Goodluck

I mean this in absolutely the kindest way possible, but I’m not the greatest with words, so I apologise if it comes across wrong.

You say you have anxiety problems - I think pregnancy will always exacerbate these. There are too many unknowns. Nobody knows exactly how their pregnancy or labour is going to go, nobody knows how their baby is going to be.

One thing I do know is that the situation is rarely static. Babies turn into toddlers, who turn into pre-schoolers, and before you know it you have a teenager...
Although sometimes it feels like these phases are lasting forever, they will inevitably end, and the next one begin.

There will likely be phases where you’re on your knees, and phases where you’re incredibly happy. The fact is though, that you won’t know until you get there, nobody will.

I’m struck that your anxiety seems to be more a general one about fear of the unknown rather than of anything in particular. A lot of “what if’s”.
But I will say that you seem to be thinking you’d rather live with a choice you’d regret, than risk one that your child may regret. That says a lot about your feelings towards your potential baby - that you are already thinking about their needs above your own. And that’s the crux of parenting really - you try your hardest to fulfil your child’s needs before your own. (Doesn’t mean neglecting your own by any means, btw!)

I’d urge you to seek help with your anxiety. Not just for the immediate now, but long-term, whatever your decision about this pregnancy is.

OP if you havent already, I think you should really consider termination and talk to someone about it. Not because I think you should terminate, that's absolutely for you to decide. More because if you do go forward it might help you to feel that this is something you've chosen to do rather than something that chance has pushed upon you.

Nothing you've written makes me think you wouldn't be an good mother btw, but please do let your midwife know how anxious you are if you continue. Good mh support can make a huge difference.