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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think a 13 year old should not be gaming all night

24 replies

flygirl767 · 14/06/2020 07:42

We had a huge bust up with DS age 13 yesterday as we would not let him carry on with a late night gaming session with his friends. He normally comes off at 9:30 and as it was a friends birthday we let him carry on until 11:30 but oh no this was not good enough. He had a complete meltdown, I had to leave DH to deal with it (not ideal as they regularly fall out) as I am so stressed with issues with my mum at the moment. Dreading him waking up today as I know this i going to carry on.

I am being unreasonable to think he should not be allowed at that age to play until the early hours after we have gone to bed?

OP posts:

user8558 · 14/06/2020 07:46

No. I have a 12 year old can't talk to his friends anymore because they've all turned night into day and haven't looked up from their xboxes in 9 weeks.

I only allow 4 hours of xbox a week. And that's a strict limit. And DS knows any nagging or quibbling about it will result in swift and permanent removal of the xbox. I see them as dangerously addictive.

ooooohbetty · 14/06/2020 07:46

Of course it's not unreasonable. If he starts again when he wakes up remove the console from wherever it is. Explain he doesn't get it back until he apologises. If it happens again switch your WiFi off.

QueenMabby · 14/06/2020 07:52

It’s tricky. My ds (14) gamed til midnight on Friday night. First time he’s done it (usually he come off around 9) but it was a special request and we agreed as a one off.
If it had been me I would have let him stay til say midnight as it was a friend’s birthday but I find it usually better to agree timings and rules etc with them beforehand to avoid hassle. Obviously this advice is no help to you now!
I know that as a mum my inclination is to keep my children off screens as much as possible but for many teens this is how they’re connecting with friends whilst not at school so I have relaxed a bit about it.
If your DS is anything like mine he’ll be over tired and grumpy as a result of his late night session - I’d avoid confrontation if you can and just engage with him as minimally and neutrally as possible. Good luck!
Also - hope your mum is ok.

Original poster

flygirl767 · 14/06/2020 07:57

@QueenMabby

It’s tricky. My ds (14) gamed til midnight on Friday night. First time he’s done it (usually he come off around 9) but it was a special request and we agreed as a one off. If it had been me I would have let him stay til say midnight as it was a friend’s birthday but I find it usually better to agree timings and rules etc with them beforehand to avoid hassle. Obviously this advice is no help to you now! I know that as a mum my inclination is to keep my children off screens as much as possible but for many teens this is how they’re connecting with friends whilst not at school so I have relaxed a bit about it. If your DS is anything like mine he’ll be over tired and grumpy as a result of his late night session - I’d avoid confrontation if you can and just engage with him as minimally and neutrally as possible. Good luck! Also - hope your mum is ok.

Thanks @QueenMabby yes if he had actually bothered to ask me and arrange it I might have considered midnight but the problem was he just refused to come off at the usual time and then told me!

His screen time has increased a lot over lockdown as like you say, it has been their only way of communicating with friends. He is not hard done by by any means but it just never seems to be enough.

OP posts:

summerdown · 14/06/2020 08:00

We have strict rules for every day (although been relaxed a bit during lockdown as it’s how ds talks to friends). We’ve also allowed one or 2 all night gaming sessions (virtual sleepovers) pre- arranged, in the same way as a normal sleepover. Surely a bit of flexibility is required?

pinkstripeycat · 14/06/2020 08:09

We have a 13 and 14yr old.
DS13 doesn’t game as it makes him rage. Even if he’s outside with a football he’s in bed by 10pm (9pm school night - even during lockdown)
DS14 very placid and is allowed to game until 10.30pm but only if he’s gaming with friends and 11pm on a weekend. He comes off early if all his friends are off.
He knows if he doesn’t come off at the agreed time he is banned it for a day.

TakemetoGreeceplease · 14/06/2020 08:10

I don't see the harm as a one off, no different to a sleepover really, but yes he should have asked in advance. My DS actually asked if he could do this last weekend, his friends all seem to regularly be up till the small hours online whereas he's always off by 9/9.30. I've agreed he can do a late night once a month. I think lockdown has been particularly hard for older kids and they're at an age where they need some control over their lives or they start to rebel (I know I did!). Coming to a reasonable agreement everyone's happy with seemed sensible to me.

Nihiloxica · 14/06/2020 08:15

He's a 13 year old kid who has had all his independence and his life away from his family removed from him for months.

It's very damaging for his development and mental health.

If he is having sustained contact with his peers while the world is effectively shit down to him, so think you should leave him alone.

Better a child who doesn't get out of bed in the morning because they are tired from playing games all night than because they have nothing to get up for, which is what other parents are dealing with.

Original poster

flygirl767 · 14/06/2020 08:21

@Nihiloxica

He's a 13 year old kid who has had all his independence and his life away from his family removed from him for months.

It's very damaging for his development and mental health.

If he is having sustained contact with his peers while the world is effectively shit down to him, so think you should leave him alone.

Believe me, he is not hard done by! He was on the consol 10-2, 2-4:30 he was out with his friends in our local area then back on the consol 6-11:30! I think that is more than enough and way more than he would normally do when not in lockdown

OP posts:

theonlywayisapple · 14/06/2020 08:23

It’s how kids socialise these days. You didn’t do it when younger so you don’t get it. If he was up reading a book, i suspect you wouldn’t be bothered.

eatsleepread · 14/06/2020 08:23

But why only 4 hours per week? There is a happy medium between that and being up all night It's just too controlled.

Ponoka7 · 14/06/2020 08:24

I would have allowed it, as a one off. I wouldn't have held it over him, that he didn't ask first.

My DD (22) is an occasional night gamer, although most of the time she ends it around 3am, she works and used to have a social life.

I think we are being too tough on kids. They are making the sacrifice and they will pay for this crisis.

Lucyccfc68 · 14/06/2020 08:24

My 15 year old is allowed on his PlayStation until 10pm week nights and mid-night on a weekend. He has friends who are on until 3am and he thinks they are pretty daft. I suppose as a one off it’s fine, but he should have discussed it with you first.

missrks · 14/06/2020 08:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's not good for them being on all night.

Travelledtheworld · 14/06/2020 08:28

Have gone through all this with my son who is now 20. Gaming isn't just socialising. It's addictive behaviour, has a range of health impacts and can provoke violence and aggression. Be aware of the games they are playing, know who they are playing with, agree times and definitely try have at least an hour screen free down time before bedtime.
Make sure they eat and exercise on a regular basis. Keep talking to them.

Nihiloxica · 14/06/2020 08:30

That's great that he got out to see his friends yesterday.

I think I would be open to negotiating occasional all-night gaming sessions, but e.g. not if he has been playing so long the previous day, and maybe for particular occasions.

I've a 12 year old I'm trying to keep to daytime hours and struggling. When I was a teenager I used to stay up all night sometimes. I'm still a night owl by preference now.

I wouldn't want to die on this hill. He's 13 now, it's got to be up to him when he sleeps. You can encourage and negotiate, but it seems a bit pointless and counterproductive to be heavy handed in laying down the law.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 14/06/2020 08:33

Laughing at the poster likening gaming to reading a book, then telling the OP she "doesn't get it." Obsessive gaming can be problematic in so many ways; the very nature of many games requires you to give more and more and more. When I was single and lived alone I gamed to the point of obsession where I slept minimally and couldn't think about anything else when I wasn't online. It's not a good place to be. And no, the OP's son might not be addicted to gaming in that way, he might just wanted a one off fun night with his friends, but it's a risk and the OP sounds very vigilant in wanting to manage that risk.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 14/06/2020 08:36

I think I would be open to negotiating occasional all-night gaming sessions
Yet if he stayed up all night and ended up straying into adult website territory, MN would be berating the OP for being foolish enough to let her 13 year old son have unsupervised online access in his bedroom all night. You honestly can't win on here!

missrks · 14/06/2020 08:38

" I wouldn't want to die on this hill. He's 13 now, it's got to be up to him when he sleeps. You can encourage and negotiate, but it seems a bit pointless and counterproductive to be heavy handed in laying down the law. "

w t f

The OP is literally being a responsible parent!

theonlywayisapple · 14/06/2020 08:40

@Travelledtheworld

Have gone through all this with my son who is now 20. Gaming isn't just socialising. It's addictive behaviour, has a range of health impacts and can provoke violence and aggression. Be aware of the games they are playing, know who they are playing with, agree times and definitely try have at least an hour screen free down time before bedtime. Make sure they eat and exercise on a regular basis. Keep talking to them.

False. It’s been proven to do none of that.

okiedokieme · 14/06/2020 08:45

It's tricky but these aren't ordinary times. Midnight is a good cut off and only on Friday and Saturday night (10pm on other nights) we had this with gaming and they learned to self regulate by me allowing them to do whatever they wanted in school holidays but wake them at 8am and have long chore lists (so they were tired, grouchy) they started to turn it off without me making them. School nights I turned off the WiFi!

DuckALaurent · 14/06/2020 08:51

I take all devices off my 13 yo at 11pm when I go to bed. If she can’t sleep after that she reads or draws for her art school work. She’s an early bird by nature so she needs at least 8-9 hours.

She has friends who are online all night but I don’t care. I’m the parent and I know that without sleep she’s hideous and that there are often fall outs between friends happening overnight (she tells me about them the next day when she catches up on group chats). I’ve taught her to stay out of drama but I know that peer pressure is huge so by taking the decision out of her hand she can relax and feel safe with that boundary in place.

So I’m not sorry and I won’t change my rule until she’s older.

Pugsrus · 14/06/2020 08:53

No studies have shown any negative effects of gaming ,in fact the opposite
It’s the only way teens can communicate at the moment.
I don’t like it ,I don’t like my child on it .
But I accept the world has changed ,and I think the teens with good gaming skills will be at an advantage in the job market.

Goldenbear · 14/06/2020 09:41

My son is 13 and often plays Fortnite or FIFA on the PS4 with his cousin who is the same age but in a different part of the country. At the weekend they will sometimes play until 1am but 1 or 2 times during the lockdown have played until 3am but as others have pointed out this is more like a virtual sleepover. In our case they are very good friends as well as cousins and they chat about other things. Ordinarily, we would see them and stay over, we had a holiday booked with them and a cricket fixture at Lords was planned so our son is definitely missing out on times they would have been seeing each other face to face and I therefore am happy he is managing to socialise in some way. I can hear them laughing and chatting and sometimes high spirited but at the end of the day he's a 13 year old boy he would be like that anyway!

We have played board games as a family as he has a little sister, he really enjoys Articulate and asks to play it. Equally, he has started to go running with my DH in the morning and does a work out routine, his idea as he was lacking motivation for school work but it was nothing to do with gaming

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