To see myself as mixed race?

[skylarkdescending]

This post isn’t intended to offend or upset, i’m just trying to reconcile some feelings that I have been having for a long time about my identity.

For background:
One grandparent was black Caribbean, the other was white English so DM is mixed. DDad was white English meaning that I am partly mixed race. However, my skin is white and although my features are similar to those of my black relatives, to most people I look white. My DM and siblings have darker skin and people have in the past asked questions about their heritage. No one questions my heritage and most people are surprised to learn about my ancestry.

Whenever I am asked to state my race (form filling etc) I put mixed ethnicity white and black Caribbean. I have always done this. However, I am starting to feel guilty about this as, to all intents and purposes I look white and I would say I have benefited in my life from white privilege.

Can anyone relate to these feelings? Should I continue to identify as mixed race? Some people have made comments to me recently which suggest they think I’m gaining some advantage from doing this. Others In the past have suggested that I’m attention seeking.

So AIBU to identify myself as mixed race?

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite I'd say by race , mixed race - the answers in the name.

My sister is white, her partner is Bangladeshi and their son is blonde with blue eyes but he's mixed race.

@PeaceCheese I didn't say what my non-white race was. There are usually mixed race boxes which specify two races, but there aren't always all the combinations you need. I hate being "Mixed race - other". It makes me feel even more of a minority.

@skylarkdescending Better out than in, I say. :) I'm glad you feel some relief to know that you're definitely not alone in struggling to find your own sense of identity. Sometimes we get the best of more than one world, but sometimes we feel at a loss to fit into either.

You are who you are - sometimes there's a tick box for you, sometimes there isn't. But other people's desire to neatly fit you into one category to easily define you never takes away from the facts, and how you choose to live those facts.

My grandmother is half white... I don't consider myself mixed race... If you look totally white then I'd just say you were white tbh

I've just calculated my children's ethnicity, kind of. I think it works out to about 20% black and 80% white. One child has light brown hair (was blond as a young child) and blue eyes, and white, white skin that burns easily. The other tells me she gets mistaken for Indian sometimes (but never black). I suspect my son would tick the white British box on forms; is that him denying his heritage? It's more complicated in that his grandparent who came from S. Africa never 'celebrated' his heritage. He just became ... British, if that makes sense. His son (my DH) was born in London, so he has never grown up with an African culture and just sees himself as British first and foremost.
If my son has children they'll be 90% white and 10% black (and given his and DiL's colouring) would likely be very white / blonde and blue eyed. But yeah, I suspect my children would describe their ethnicity differently on forms. Me, I'm white English (not even British) as far back as we can go (300 years). It makes me realise / appreciate this ... certainty of 'who I am', but also that I need to educate myself on the very different realities for other people. But I sometimes wonder if I'm worrying on my children's behalf over their identity when actually they seem pretty ok with how they see themselves.

I am Jewish and consider myself to be mixed-race (Ashkenazi Jews have 50% middle Eastern DNA). I have light skin though, so it isn't visible.

So I have some level of white privilege, e.g. to a stranger on the street who assumes I'm white, but as soon as people know my name, they may start discriminating.

Plus anyone descended from members of ethnic minorities is likely to carry the trauma of what happened to them both in epigenetic markers (that can physically affect them) and emotional effects from knowledge of their family history.

And their identity gets erased by people assuming they are white (similar to bisexual identity being erased when everyone assumes you're straight if you're with someone of the opposite sex, or gay if you're with someone of the same sex). Which is potentially harmful both mentally and physically (like you found with the medical issue).

So it's not as simple as light skin = white.

I know how you feel. I’m from a Muslim ethnicity but am white (as many Muslims are). I’ve experienced a life time of being assumed to be native and Christian by people that haven’t looked beyond my skin tone (I look really obviously Islamic ethnic background). Obviously, being white I have no difficulty with forms but I’ve had my fair share of ‘Muslims xyz’ ‘you realise I’m Muslim right?’ conversations in my life.

*muslim majority, obviously there’s no such thing as a Muslim ethnicity

I wonder about this too. I’m white, but my husband is Malaysian/Irish. I have one son at the moment and one on the way. My son has my colouring so also looks white. When I have to state his race in forms etc I do say he is white/Asian as I guess his asian heritage could be medically relevant. We also do try to incorporate some Malaysian culture into his upbringing - for example he has a nana/grandad and an Ahmar / Ahkong.

DH is mixed race; I am white. We have three DC who are being brought up categorically to consider themselves to be mixed race. They’re 25% black - or to look at it in the reverse, only 75% white. Ie not 100% white. How could they be anything other than mixed race? I don’t care how they look - to say they are white is to deny their father’s ethnicity and their grandpa’s. It would be preposterous to do that.

DC1 could pass for white - green eyed, light caramel skin, blonde loose curly hair.

DC2 - slightly darker, but still blond, green eyed, a massive head of Afro-ish curls not unlike DH’s texture. So not completely Afro but not Caucasian curls/ texture either.

Dc3 - very dark skinned comparatively, sometimes darker than DH. Big brown eyes, straight dark hair.

They are a complete mix. They all have “black” facial features. Are the two blond siblings any less mixed race than their much, much darker sister? No. They come from the same parents - how could they be?

So not unreasonable at all and I would want to reassure you to never feel like you could never identify as mixed race. It’s who you are. It doesn’t matter what you may look like - your heritage is a fact.

Thank you everyone for responding. I think sometimes you just need someone else to tell you. I have held on to my mixed race identity up to now but have let various people get to me I suppose. I will be stronger in the future.

My dad is black and my mum is chinese. I look like a very tanned chinese person. I married a pale, dark haired Caucasian man and somehow produced a white, ginger daughter with green eyes; a blonde, blue eyes boy with tanned skin and a little chinese baby. Genetics are fun. I’m unsure how my children will feel about it.

You are mixed race factually, and you can identify yourself in whichever way feels truest to you.

It's very personal. I am Jewish with olive skin, my husband is a black. four of our children identify as black, because they do not look white and are relatively dark skinned so feel this is how society perceives them.

However, one is very light skinned with more of my features and consequently describes himself as mixed race.

You are mixed race you have nothing to feel guilty about

You can't help how you were born, OP, like all of us. It's not your fault that you are not white enough for some nor black enough for some. Really, I find its other people that have problems with it and then make us feel it's our problem. It isn't. My child is mixed race although she looks convincingly white. People have commented on how 'pale' she is (she's not pale at all, she has beautiful olive skin) "Oh I thought she'd be darker", whether this is said in relief or disappointment is hard to tell as people from both my and my husband's sides have said it. It does make me worry that other people will make her think she's not 'doing mixed race right' - too dark for some but not dark enough for others. We really shouldn't have to worry about such things in 2020 yet here we are.
Your heritage belongs to you. You are what you are and don't let anybody make you think you aren't doing it right.

You are mixed race.
Your experience in daily life is different to women with darker skin.
You can obviously see that.

This isn't your issue.
Don't doubt yourself or your heritage.
Just be honest. And I'd say use that privilege for good.

But also know that people who are racist towards the darker skin members of your family/community - probably also hold the same prejudice against you to an extent (when they find out about your heritage).
That shame is on them.

I'm from a Muslim community. I love my religion but there is a problem even in my community with discrimination against dark skinned Muslims.

I think we all have to see our positions in this.
And admit it.

But don't doubt yourself or your heritage.
No one - no race can tell your your ethnicity.

Take care

Thank you for this thread OP- I've been going round and round in my head about this for quite a while and haven't been able to talk to anyone about it.
For example, I'd love to have locs and my hair is very textured and tries to dread itself every night! But to a stranger passing me in the street I'd look like a white woman appropriating another culture and as it's been a bit of a hot topic recently I wouldn't feel comfortable.
I'd feel like I needed to wear a massive sign saying "I'm mixed race not white!"
But I've never found a way to care for my hair because it's so different to most other people's and maybe love would be perfect for me and I'm missing out 🤷🏽‍♀️

I definitely feel reassured by most of these responses.

@MrTumblesSpottyHag
I'm glad it has helped you too.

Re the hair, I started the curly girl method last year after styling and straightening my hair all my life. I now have proper curls that I love!

I am not sure it really always helps to break people down into differences actually - we have had an awful lot of that with Brexit/Remain, Labour/Tory etc if we could just be humans so much the better or even animals as a whole.

So I suppose it depends on the purpose of it - as I said above in the US if you can prove an element of non white (an eighth?) then you got preference. I just checked and i think that may be being stopped as unfair particularly in Asians/Chinese as they do much better than whites and blacks at college entrance (probably because they work very hard) and were being discriminated on entry as they were not in the right group for preference.

As someone said above it can matter to know however given some diseases affect certain ethnic groups only. It think it would be misleading if someone who was 25% black put black on forms not mixed race as the statistics gathered, depending on their purpose, might be inaccurate as a result and the same if someone who had no black relatives put black.

I did find a family history DNA test very interesting. It worked so well it even linked me with my great granny's sister's descendant who still lives in the same village in Sunderland where my mother grew up.