To not want my daughter growing up feeling that she is a victim

[Wehavealllosttheplot]

It's always the rotten few, in every section of society, be it the police, black people, white people...that give everyone a bad name.

I reject the fact that all police are racist, and that's coming from someone whose close family member was killed by three of them. That doesn't mean that there isn't institutional racism, especially in the force.

I reject the fact that, if you don't kneel or show solidarity, you're part of the problem. I would rather someone keep quiet than go around causing trouble in the name of BLM. These are the people whose agenda was always to destabilise the gvt rather than care about black lives.

I reject the fact that if you don't agree with a black person, you can be labelled racist. That's not to say that there aren't racist people.

I would rather we could have an honest discussion about race. What are your fears, what are our fears?

But how about we also mention the good that black folk have done/achieved. At the end of the day, slavery was fucking abhorrent but they helped build nations. Like I say, that doesn't get away from the fact that it was pure evil. I say this as someone who is a descendant of a slave.

I'm sick of feeding into this victim mentality that all black people are hard done by. Again, that's simply not true. But we are in a system/country that wasn't designed for us. There have been a lot of positive changes over the years, and yes, there will is still more that can be done.

My child wants to be a Police Officer even she is older. I am not going to pre-empt that she can't be because she has a different skin tone, or that she'd be letting the 'side down'. Let's wait for her to join and then see what happens, rather than telling her she can't/shouldn't do it (it has been said by her white father) I have also shielded her away from the furore on TV. She doesn't need to be worrying about that at her age. I'd rather she carry on being a child, without the weight of the world on her shoulders. When the time is right, I will have a talk to her about racism but also about the great contributions that black's have made, worldwide. I want her to have positive ethnic self-esteem

I couldn't give a rat's arse about skin-coloured plasters, or dodgy comedies, or racist statues. My life has not been affected by any of those things.

Let's talk about the real issues

What are your views?

I don't feel qualified enough to speak on this, so I'll keep my opinions on the points you've raised to myself but I'll say I completely understand what you've written. I agree not all Black people face the same issues and it's great that you're for positive reinforcements for your child and not teaching from a defeatist/'you're a victim by default' place, as you mentioned.

I'm so sorry to hear about your family member

However...

I couldn't give a rat's arse about skin-coloured plasters, or dodgy comedies, or racist statues. My life has not been affected by any of those things

I don't know if you meant it the way I read it but I think because your life hasn't been affected by those things, I wouldn't be so quick to brush them off as if they don't matter or shouldn't matter to others. They do and should. People should be able to care about what they care about, everything can't affect everyone and that's okay.

FWIW mine hasn't been affected by them either but I think it's a bit unfair to make that statement. It comes across like you're minimising others' issues, even though I don't think it's your intention.

I hope someone comes around to have a better discussion with you on the points you've made because they're important and not something you read everyday.

srownbkingirl

Thanks for the reply 😊

I read it back and I did come across as minimising, so apologies for that.

To be fair it was more about the plasters, than the other two issues; although I cannot get worked up much about those, either, as I, personally, think there are other issues to tackle, first.

I have been affected by racism, as have my family, but I'm still not going to follow the narrative that I am a 'victim'. I owe it to my daughter.

That's no problem. I didn't take it personally, just thought to point it out. I completely understand your stance

I'm not sure I totally follow your point. So apologies if I've misunderstood. I think there's a few different arguments in there. But in terms of victim mentality- I'm not sure anyone is expecting you to have a victim mentality. That is not the same thing as showing solidarity.

If I take the example of sexism - I certainly will not be giving my daughter a sense of victim hood but I will teach her to show solidarity with other females. She, like I, will most likely experience misogyny and sexism - our experience may be different to that of other women and from each other but its root cause is the same. I don't need to have experienced all elements of sexism to feel solidarity with other women. And i certainly do feel solidarity with other women- I am part of that oppressed group.

And I think we should be very careful about saying that anyone who points out facts and states them to be unfair are promoting victim mentality. We should all feel comfortable to point out the unfairness in society. As a parent, you're right to be concerned that your child shouldn't be hold themselves back because of concerns but she surely needs to have some understanding of the issues she might face- that isn't the same as treating her as a victim?

whensmynexthol1day, yes. She absolutely does, of course she does, but when I feel she is emotionally ready to.

I have had a lot of shit from some of my family over this and they have said some truly awful things about me.

Yes, I am 💯 in solidarity with us (black folk) but I refuse to take the narrative that other people have chosen for me, or my child.

Perhaps, I should have done this as a 'Dear John' to some of my family, as well as putting this on here...

But I'm still interested in others' opinions!

Again, just chiming in with an observation, sorry

I think OP telling her daughter some black people face such and such problem in life due to.... is not the same as her telling her daughter 'These are the issues you may/will likely face as a black person'.

The former is letting her know of the realities of life and what some people go through who happen to look like her (which may or may not happen to her or affect her in a significant way). The latter is basically telling her she's a victim right off the bat, what happened to others will likely be her lot and she might as well prepare for it. I think this is sort of what OP is saying (I could be wrong).

The same way I would never tell a little girl because she's a girl, she may as well start preparing for the likelihood of getting raped, etc, instead make her aware of what some women go through as well as the joys. But this wouldn't be as a sit-down lecture, listening to what women face because you're a woman and it could happen to you since every man is out to get you but as an everyday conversation about life, the ups and downs and how to stay safe and alert/aware.

I'm sorry OP that you've faced backlash because of thinking this way.

I think a lot depends on how you present it to your daughter.
It would be depressing and defeatist if you just told her society is racist and stacked against her, and she should expect to have a shit life as a perpetual victim.
But you can spell out the racism and then inspire her to be part of the campaign to overcome it.
If she wants to be a police officer, she will have some great opportunities to change hearts and minds, in an institution that has been sadly noted for both racism and sexism in the past.

I’m white, so my family don’t have to face racism - other than occasional verbal abuse for being English and living in Scotland - but I raised my daughters as gc feminists- I made sure they were aware of the patriarchy, and the institutionalised sexism of our culture, but their feisty attitudes and martial arts training means they feel confident about dealing with it.
The one thing we can’t do is keep silent, and send our kids out totally unprepared to face a racist sexist world, naive and unequipped to deal with it.