I have quite bad anxiety and have done for the last three years. Some nights I have to stay awake until 4-5am so that when I lie down I can fall asleep straight away as otherwise my anxiety is so bad I end up having a panic attack. Most days during this lockdown it has felt like such a chore to get up, wash my face and brush my teeth.
Every facet of my life has something going wrong with it. My home life is difficult, I'm unemployed in a field with barely any job opportunities at the moment, I have no support network of friends and I just feel like my days are just counting down until I can go to bed and have another day of my life checked off. I used to be a Christian up until maybe a month ago but my faith has now gone. Plus obviously with the coronavirus I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I have felt like this for probably 6 months but at least before the coronavirus I could plan things to look forward to like day trips, meals out, etc.
Today I decided to try and turn it all around. I woke up early, went for a run, showered, got dressed and ate a healthy breakfast. It took a lot of effort but I felt better for it and was feeling positive for the first time in a long time. Then that morning my DM told me she has been urgently referred for a health concern she has. I feel like I cannot cope. I feel so anxious and worried for her. I don't know how I am supposed to 'carry on' with things like preparing meals and doing job applications when it feels like my entire World is crumbling. It feels like whenever I try and make an effort to improve my mood/my life something bad happens.
The thing is I know in other ways I am privileged. I have my health, I am young, I am financially ok despite being unemployed, I live in a safe country with free healthcare etc, I have a roof over my head and never have to worry when my next meal is coming. Yet I just feel like I struggle so much despite all of this.
Sorry for being so negative. I just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere.