How do i deal with my situations. Please help

[mama2yh]

I need your advice please

I am single mum of two boys. A 9 years old with ASD/autism and 2 years old. I have been officially separated from my husband since I was 7 weeks pregnant with my second. It’s been really tough emotionally, physically and financially. Before the separation, for 3 years we have been having all sorts of issues. So within that time period he would sometimes go away for 2, 3 month then come back.

However here is my main problem at the moment. My 9 years old completely love and adore his dad but the only problem is he doesn’t call him, will make promises to come pick him up to spend time with him and not show up. It completely breaks my heart and makes me so angry sometimes and I honestly don’t know how to help my boy as he does get really down. He would all the time asks me to call his dad so they can talk. Whenever my phone rings he would jump up with excitement “is that dad?” Sometimes he asks me questions like why can’t we live with dad of which as you have probably guessed I have no answer to. The other day we were watching a kids program on TV. The tv presenter was asking the children “who do you love most in the whole world?” His reply while jumping “my dad”. At the moment we haven’t seen him (not exaggerating) for 1 year, 2 months. I called him last week for my son. After talking to his son for few minutes (same old empty promises) he asked for me. When I picked up the phone he had the audacity to tell me while laughing “are you sure your not the one telling him these things?” (I.e my son telling him that he misses him, when can he see him etc) My reply was “oh believe me if I had a way to make him forget and not be concerned and hurt about you I would, so you can be sure I am not creating this”

It is making me very depressed, angry, sad. Of course I don’t show these feelings to my boy and i wish my ex would man up be the dad his sons want him to but I just don’t know what to do

That’s really heartbreaking. I think your DS would benefit from some therapy around this and I would get some advice on whether it might be better to cut contact altogether. His attachment will be so disordered by this.

The only positive thing you can do is be a constant and consistent parent and constantly reassure him that he has done nothing wrong and his Dad unfortunately just isn’t able to be a good father.

Fuck, what a bastard.

You probably know, but the dad your dc is imagining isn't their dad. They are protecting themself emotionally by imagining a perfect dad. You are their real parent, their rock. You sound you are doing everything right. One day your dc will know which of their parents they can count on.

Gosh OP this is heart breaking for you and very difficult for you son. Perhaps he could benefit if he had someone to help him over this - he needs to somehow break a little of the attachment and try to cope with the let downs. No real advice as the guy sounds awful.

When we went nc with my dm I spoke to my dc about sometimes people not being quite who you think they are. Imo talking similar to your ds will help him lower his df from his pedastal.. Issues in future may see you taking the blame for his absence 'allowing' him to think so highly of such a twat.
Explain that you are sorry df can't see what a great ds he is, unfortunately being a great df is a skill not all men have.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job OP and there isn’t anything more or differently that you can do.

I would suggest encouraging your son to attend groups or sports run by men if possible.

My Mum a retired early years teacher is quite vocal about the importance of men in boys lives and it not just being women which most primary school teachers, childminders, lone parents, active grandparents etc. are

@abstractprojection has wise words with the thought he needs other male role models, or even just fun in male company. Not that fun is very easy to come by these days.

Sounds like you are being a wonderful mother, but be careful not to make excuses for the dad, or cover for him, or do his work for him, eg the phone call you mention. You could email the dad and ask him to set up a phone call schedule, eg once a month. If you always phone up and put his son on the line, he's never going to learn.

Thank you for all of your messages. Much appreciated. I have been trying yes to keep him as busy as possible with swimming lessons, school clubs, going to the park but as you know now we can't due any of those due to the COVID-19 so it's been tough to say the least

That was heartbreaking to read. What a despicable excuse of a human being! Only thing I can think of is maybe stop making excuses for him to your boy. If you can afford it, maybe some counselling with help both of you. Just big big hugs.

@JustC, thank you x