Where are the men caring for elderly relatives

[FattyIDingAsThinny]

Almost daily there are threads started by wonderful daughters who go above and beyond to care for their elderly parents and are exhausted. They're not sure what to do for the best, parents don't want outside help, but the daughters are at breaking point.

I'm not one btw but a dear friend has been in exactly the same situation.

I'm guessing that forums populated mainly by men don't have these quandaries?

AIBU to think that if all these Mumsnetters are taking care of elderly relatives, then the DPs of all these mumsnetters (assuming they are in relationship and with a man) are also the sons not taking care of their own parents?

What makes it ok for this to fall to - primarily - women?

@wowbutter "just look at the figures" proceeds to just make up figures...

They're are many men caring for relatives and in my experience often don't get the support (they don't reach out for help, talk to others seek help from their gp like women do).
That said I worked for many years as a district nurse and I'd say 75% of main carers were female. Especially in families with children of both genders it fell to the females. I also noted the eldest children were often the ones who became the main carers too. (this could be a regional thing obviously).

A pp noted that in her experience women and then the eldest women in the family make up the main carers for elderly parents, I recognise that only too well, my brother has called my mum about 5 times during lockdown - she is supposed to be shielding - and hasn't even come round to have a socially distant chat at all, despite living 10 mins drive away. She was in hospital last year for 6 days, he spent about 3 hours with her, I spent over 39 hours with her and went to work for about 6 hours and my son who had over 4 hour journey to get to see her spent 10 hours with her and then had a 4 hour journey home.

I probably sound very bitter - and I am - that he won't step up to help, thats the main reason I'm looking to move away. He will have to step up then.

why do women tend to work part time or not at all

because it is still socially unacceptable to be a female breadwinner, as I found out. If you work full-time as a mother you hate your kids and you weren't clever enough to marry a rich husband.

And how many schools phone the dad first when there is a problem and the child needs collecting? Even if they've been told to because dad works locally and mother doesn't?

I'm happy to hear of some decent guys doing the hard work of caring ("caring" sounds like you make cups of tea, have little chit chats and give cuddles!). It does seem to fall predominantly on women though.

And yes Cologne! The school called me 15 times once before they tried my DH! (I was 40 mins late for pick up as I'd completely forgotten school finished an hour early that day and was viewing a house so didn't hear my phone!!).

I think that in the past women worked part time or didn’t work at all, so had more time to devote to caring. My grandad always worked full time and my grandma worked part time so she helped out more with looking after the grandchildren as my grandad was at work. My mum retired before she ever turned 50, my dad is in his late fifties still working full time, so my mum has offered to look after the grandkids. In the case of looking after or helping elderly relatives I would imagine with many of their children include women aged 50+, and a lot of them either don’t work or work part time which allows them to do more of the caring. I’m not sure what will happen in the future though when most of us will be working full time until we’re 70. Probably the same as what happens with household chores and child care, it will still fall on the women as they’re the ones who have always done it sighs.

My husbands mum was disabled. His dad was her main carer. When his dad had a massive heart attack he deferred a tear
Of uni to go home and care for them both. His dad died last year he moved his
Mum closer to ourselves cared for her whilst running a successful business and being an amazing husband and father to our son.

I think it’s massively sexist that you think only women do this

My DH has been doing his mums shopping and cleaning for her for 12 weeks as she is on the shielded list. He is also working full time from home and schooling our child. He works so hard for his family.

My job (healthcare professional) requires me to liaise with family members of care home residents on a regular basis, often in the early days when they have just moved into 24hr care

Usually the family member I speak to is the one most involved and often the person who has been looking after their Mum/Dad/Aunt/Uncle immediately prior to them moving to a care home

IME in about 2/3 cases this person is female and in about 1/3 cases this person is male so although I would say there are more women who end up performing the role of unpaid carer to a parent/relative, it definitely isn't the case that there are only a few men out their going it, there are plenty

OP, my former husband shares the care of his mother equally with his siblings.

Whilst this seems admirable, I know this only happens due to the fact that his siblings are fiercely strong, and single.

It's almost like a competition between them of who is the 'best' child.

I know of two men, both former colleagues of my DH (at different times) whose fathers died when they were young. This resulted in both not forming relationships because they stayed at home as company for their mums. Later they became their mums carers and they looked after them until they died.

One, met a lady when he was 54 and has gone on to marry her. It's the only romantic relationship he's ever had. The other has never had a relationship because of taking care of his mum. He also cared for his sister who also died.

I'm a nurse in a nursing home and There is a lot of Lesley caring for they're loved ones. Some heartbreaking stories of elderly husbands caring for very ill wife's whilst struggling with their ow health issues

My brothers both did a huge amount of caring for my mum. My elderly neighbour is cared for by her son. Another neighbour had 2 sons and a daughter. It was the sons who did the most. The daughter lives two hours away with grown up children, but she may as well have been in Australia. No strains in relationships, she just wasn't invested in his care. You need to get out into the world more OP. But there are a lot of weird anti-men threads on here lately.

I think some of the lack of visibility on the internet of male carers is that they are less likely to doubt themselves and come looking for support or advice.
My DH and his siblings care for my MIL, who is fully with it but very lazy. So has to be cajoled into doing things necessary for her health.
This is easier for my DH, she needs to do something therefore he will talk her into doing it. No soul searching required.
His sisters doubt themselves, are uncomfortable being authoritative with their mother and feel bad "making" her do things she doesn't want to do.
So are much more likely to discuss these issues with friends or on a site like Mumsnet.

My grandfather cared for my grandmother beyond the point that was healthy for either of them, but I was specifically meaning elderly parents, not spousal caring (as that's a different situation).

I'm not sure it's sexist to ask about the men though.

In the years I've been on here (I name change in case anybody looks for my history) I don't recall reading many - if any - threads where a female poster was worried about her male partner running himself ragged working, looking after the kids and caring for elderly parents. So either women aren't concerned that much about all the emotional and physical energy expended while their partners exhaust themselves meeting the needs and demands of elderly parents - which seems unlikely if they love their partners - or at least on Mumsnet, the majority of caring of elderly parents falls to the wife.

Or maybe it's just that the men handle it so much better that neither they nor the women in their lives have any concerns about the amount of work involved?

Or maybe there's a bit of bias, like the poster who has a manager working full time and caring for his very sick mother. His work is adapting to support him. How many women get support from work to look after frail or sick parents? I'm not saying they don't, more that I'm just not aware of it happening.

Maybe it isn't that men aren't looking after elderly parents, it's that more of the ones who do, don't have childcare to juggle too?

My BiL is the main carer for his parents, helped out by my dh. I know quite a few single men who looked after parents in old age - of course they get mocked as sad mummy's boys (even when its actually their fathers that they care for).

My brother did all the caring for my mum until she had the stroke that meant she had to go to a nursing home. He's still the one that does all the errands for her.

But men just get on with it. They tend not to look for more help, they tend not to post on forums like Mumsnet looking for support.

I'm trying to find the logic in this, but there simply isn't any:
AIBU to think that if all these Mumsnetters are taking care of elderly relatives, then the DPs of all these mumsnetters (assuming they are in relationship and with a man) are also the sons not taking care of their own parents?
Why, if the wife is taking care of her relatives, does it mean that her DH can't be taking care of his?

My df (out of a family of 10 brothers and sisters) almost exclusively cared for my grandparents.

My dh has helped his mother out so much since his dad died 10 years ago.

Some old statistics (from 2010) gave the number of carers to people receiving AA or DLA ie. potential recipients of Carer's Allowance as
Working Age Men : 182,000
Working Age Women : 242,000
Pensioners (not split by sex) : 272,000

We had FiL come to live with us after a severe stroke that left him incontinent and unable to walk or use his left side.

We had carers come in a few times a day but when that fell down (which it did very frequently) DH picked up the pieces, washed his dad and changed his bottom etc. He was so kind and lovely to him, he was amazing.

DF cares for my very elderly DGM. There's no other family who could do it, so it would be that or a care home.

He doesn't, to my knowledge, post about it online however

I'm a GP and a small but significant number of my elderly patients are cared for by their sons who have often given up work to do so. They struggle as it's less culturally acceptable than for a woman to do this.

Because mn is predominantly women?