Name changed for this because I wouldn’t want anyone to figure out who I am from previous posts as I know my mum would be mortified if people knew. And sorry - I think this will be a long one.
My mum has a progressively worsening condition which has reduced her mobility - for the past 3-5 years she has been classed as disabled (a blue badge holder) and has extremely limited mobility - she can’t really bend, can’t stand for a prolonged period of time, needs to use a crutch to get to the loo or upstairs etc etc.
Because of this she can’t really clean, struggles with cooking and needs help with getting food shopping and such things. My dad isn’t in perfect health (has a heart condition) but has just become so incredibly lazy. About everything. He refuses to wear underwear - his clothes constantly smell of urine and often have skid marks. No matter how many times my mum and I have begged him to wear underwear because he is ruining clothes he just doesn’t do it. Bottoms are all bleached around the crotch from urine, tops are stained from food because he can’t be bothered to sit upright for meals or at the table so just lounges back and shovels food in, dropping forkfuls on his clothes. Most of his clothes are pretty much ruined. He wears clothes for days on end (which adds to the smell as days of food, sweat, urine building up) - he claims he does this to save on washing. I have asked him so many times to just put on clean clothes each day and that I will come once a week and do their washing but he still doesn’t (I also arranged at the start of the year for someone to do their ironing although that had to stop during lockdown).
Over the past 3-5 years I have cleaned their house countless times, including probably at least twice a year doing two massive deep cleans to try and deal with all the problems but they never keep on top of the most basic things - bathrooms have urine marks all over the floors and walls from my dad, bathroom and bedroom doors also have urine marks on them (he doesn’t wear pyjamas and despite being suggested a number of times can’t be bothered to take a bit of loo roll to dap the end after a wee so I think it’s bits of wee dribbling off on his way back to bed). On my last deep clean I had to spend two hours scrubbing down his bedroom walls because they were covered in urine and blood (cuts on hands from gardening and I’m assuming he’s felt along the wall in the night getting out of bed for the light switch). It’s honestly disgusting and I’m just running out of energy - both physical and emotional to deal with it / him.
My mum is so embarrassed about the state of the house she hasn’t wanted a cleaner. I have scrubbed the house from top to bottom (I took two weeks off work last year and spend 8+ hours every day at their house to get it clean / organised) on a few occasions so then she wouldn’t have that initial embarrassment but then every time it’s done they back out and say “oh, we can keep on top of it now”. I’m only suggesting a cleaner to do the downstairs and have said I would carry on doing the upstairs as would be more manageable then.
I don’t know what to do - I work (albeit self employed and work from home so more flexibility than most I realise) and have an almost one year old DD. DH has a job with long hours and our limited free time is quite precious to us. We have a cleaner for a couple of hours every other week for our own house - we viewed it as buying ourselves some extra free time to spend together. I love my parents but I don’t want to spend hours every week cleaning, especially given how my dad has become - it just feels pointless to clean for someone who has no intention of taking even basic steps like not leaving blood smeared on a wall or not dealing with, as an example, some spilt coffee grounds by just sweeping them onto the kitchen floor.
I do all their food shopping and any other shopping they need (presents for people etc), I do pretty much all their washing (I don’t iron because I loathe it but pre lockdown had sorted someone to do that), if I’m over at theirs at the right time I make their meals for them and I honestly don’t mind doing a bit of cleaning - changing bedding for them or cleaning a bathroom / dusting a room etc but it’s quite a big house and the way they now live means I would either need to spend 3-4 hours every week to just keep the house vaguely hygienic and tidy and that would be after spending hours getting to a starting point again. Plus all the other time for shopping, clothes washing and other bits and bobs.
It feels like no suggestion I make to make things better is acceptable other than me spending hours a week cleaning for them. I know it sounds selfish but I just don’t want to do this when there are other options available - I’m not someone who enjoys cleaning and even if I did cleaning up after someone who won’t do anything to keep a house even a little bit tidy is pretty soul destroying.
There is no issue with affording a cleaner, they are very comfortable and have plenty of disposable income. I feel bad complaining because they are and always have been really good to me and incredibly generous - I guess I feel like I owe them. But I also feel pretty pissed off by now that they won’t just spend £30 or so every couple of weeks to have a cleaner for a couple hours to keep on top of things so I’m not having to do it all. If I try to broach the topic and say things that I think will resonate with them like I don’t want to have to take those hours away from spending time with my DD to clean when we could just hire someone to come do that their answer is just “oh, don’t do it love. We’ll be fine” except, they’re NOT fine. My mum hates the house and because of her disability basically feels trapped in a house that is filthy (unless I’m going and cleaning every week). It’s obvious she’s not happy with it but also refuses to just pull the trigger on getting a cleaner (I would organise this, I just need her to say that it can happen).
I have done everything I can think of to help them, on multiple occasions, but I feel like I must be missing something? I feel like the whole situation is just emptying me of any reserves of energy but I don’t see how I can just leave them to get on with it. I’m starting to think there must be something seriously wrong with my dad because I can’t fathom how he can have turned into this disgusting person who is just always coated in filth and is destroying his home.
It’s just this constant burden that is always at the back of my mind trying to think of how I can fit in doing everything that needs doing and still do the stuff I need to do in my own life. Last Christmas I spent every weekday for all of December either cleaning or shopping for them so the house was nice for Christmas - I was on maternity leave then but there is just no way I can continue doing this level of cleaning long term. It was a pretty miserable Christmas for me, I spent almost a month cleaning, most of the actual day cooking (DH and a cousin did help in the kitchen!) and barely spent any time with my own baby. I obviously haven’t been able to go clean for them the last couple of months because of lockdown and I’m already in tears at the prospect of what will face me and how long it will take to sort out. I just don’t know what to do.
Has anyone had any success in dealing with situations like this? Or if you’ve stopped getting involved how do you deal with the guilt? I can’t not go to the house because they need help with shopping etc but I really don’t want my DD being around an environment that would be so dirty and unhygienic, which is what it would be if I didn’t clean and they won’t get a cleaner.