To ever ‘get over’ this

[Rubbleonthedouble1]

We have 2 DC. Started trying for a third and then DH got worried and panicked about sleepless nights etc so we thought we would stop trying for a bit. Now DH has changed his mind about trying at all and I’m distraught. I love DC so much and they are perfect and I’m happy with my life but I wanted a third.

YANBU you won’t ever get over this
YABU get over it!

YABU

I think it's understandable to feel sad, but ultimately you have to try to get over it. Time will help.

In this situation whichever one of you does not want more DC gets the deciding vote I’m afraid.

YABU. You have two children. The person who doesn't want another child trumps the person who does.

You are not being unreasonable for feeling devastated by this.
You would be unreasonable to coerce or force your DH into a child he does not want.

I think an honest conversation with your DH about how you feel is important here. Not to try and win him over, but to let him understand that for you this will be a slow process for you to come to accept and move on from. I think when he knows how you feel he should be able to better support you in moving forward with a different future to what you planned. It’s not simply a case of ‘get over it and move on’ but there does need to come a time that you can face a different future to the one you previously visualised without resentment from either side.

You will get over it.

It took me ten years to get to the final stage, but it did happen.

How do I get past it? I was sort of ok with not having anymore and I had resigned myself to this then we decided to try and I got my hopes up. If we hadn’t started to try I think I would have felt better! X

You will get over it but it takes a long time. The initial grief is awful but it just gradually gets better.

Beware a spike as you get peri menopausal.

I can't imagine how you feel.
Like you say it's the fact you started TTC.
Only you can decide if this is something you can accept. You will never have another child with your DH.
He is absolutely right in not bringing a child into the world that he doesn't want.

So do you want another child full stop.
Or do you want another child with only your DH, in which case you need to try to come to terms with sticking with two.

However. You can now hand 100% of contraception over to him.

We had twins.
Then I wanted another and DH didn't, then DH did but I didn't. Then I quite fancied it but accepted the time wise it wasn't going to happen.
Honestly two is plenty now they are tweens.

@AskingforaBaskin

Yep - that accounts for DD no 2! Whatever you do please no tricking him. That way leads to broken relationship!

Which would you prefer 3DC or 2DC and a DH?

@Rubbleonthedouble1

@Rubbleonthedouble1

Definitely hand over contraception to him.

OP, this is a grieving experience.
It cannot be rushed.

If you do try and rush it you leave yourself vulnerable to anger and depression.

Tell your husband this.
Own how you feel.

This may not be "convenient" for him to hear but it is the truth.

You need to allow yourself time to accept this disappointment.

I got over it OP. I wanted 3 but my body wouldn’t realistically let me. Takes a few years, but yes, you do get over it.

I really do understand just how you feel OP.

I have 2 dc and very quickly after having my 2nd baby, dh decided he wanted a vasectomy. I really wasn't ready to call my family complete. He got the vasectomy anyway, much to my devastation.

In fact devastated doesn't begin to cover it. I had a really hard time with my mental health and it took us a long time (many years) to reconnect as a couple.

You really will go through all the stages of loss- denial, anger, bargaining, depression but then finally acceptance. It will be hard but try to remember the positives- more time for your current dc, for yourself, your career, your dh. You will reach a point when you wonder why you ever wanted another!

Only now am I at a stage where I can fully accept my dh decision, and I do feel bad that I didn't support his decision in the first place.

Only in retrospect can I see how unfair I was to my dh, please don't make the same mistake! I put dh and myself under an enormous amount of strain/pain because I couldn't accept it was his choice too.