To ask how your partners have behaved during lockdown?

[rosieposie13]

Lockdown seems to have highlighted this more but lots of the behaviour so many of my friends husbands / partners are exhibiting is exactly new - lots of general complaining in the past about “wife work”, husbands not contributing to running of the house and being a bit lazy - but now that people are stuck in the house pretty much 24/7 with them so it seems more obvious and also seems to have been elevated to higher levels of twattery and in some cases just outright cruel behaviour.

Apart from myself and one other friend literally every other friend I have just seems to have been treated in one way or another like shit by their other halves.

There are just so many examples and it all feels super depressing. My friends are smart, talented women who seem to be wasting away with partners who won’t do even their fair share, never mind go above and beyond for them.

A friend who is still working full time from home but whose furloughed husband refuses to take on looking after their 3 year old son during working hours because he wants to “relax” if he’s not at work and is constantly playing on an Xbox.

The friend who is working from home, as is her partner, but all home schooling and general life admin, house cleaning etc is falling to her and if she asks her husband to keep the kids entertained for half an hour whilst she has an important work call he sulks and whines at her.

My friend whose dad died during lockdown (not from coronavirus, he’d been ill for the last year) - she’s obviously devastated, particularly as she didn’t get to see him the last couple of weeks of his life. She asked her husband if he could take a day or two off work just after her father had passed away to help look after their children and support her. He told her that as she is a SAHM it was her job and she needed to just get on with it. When she pointed out that you would get compassionate leave from a job if your father he died, he stormed out of the house and was sending her messages saying she was ridiculous and needed to grow up and stop being so weak.

And possibly the worst example, a work colleague who has had cancer surgery during lockdown. She had run out of painkillers and asked her husband if he could go get some more for her. He refused to go because he was in the middle of watching a film. I can’t fathom how anyone could know their partner was in pain and refuse to go get the medication that would relieve that. He eventually did go but this was after she was apparently sobbing in pain and begging him to help her and only after a bunch of shouting and slamming doors from him.

I could post loads more examples of perhaps less obviously horrible things but just so many instances of husbands / partners refusing to help, not taking any responsibility for their own children and just generally seeming to go out of their way to make the life of person they are supposed to love harder.

I just feel utterly deflated that so many of my friends seem to be treated this way. I guess I’d like to hear that this is unusual because the prospect that the majority of women are treated like this is so depressing.

Is this generally how it seems across the board? Or have I got some unusual friendship circle where so many of my friends seem to be in relationships with completely inconsiderate arseholes?

I kicked mine out mid may because he exhibited such rage and poor behaviour x

My OH went back to work yesterday after being furloughed for 10 weeks.
I have been working from home during that time.

He has done everything pretty much everything on the kitchen catering front.
All the shopping, most of the cooking, all the dishes and tidying the kitchen- for 5 of us.
So quite a bit.
I have cooked once a week or so in the past couple of months- but not washed up or tidied afterwards.

Urge them all to LTBs! Especially the one who needed the painkillers, good god.

He’s been mostly great. I hope he would say I’ve been mostly great too. We’ve both had our ups and downs but have tried to support each other as best we can. Sure he’s left teaching if the youngest mainly to me but he has taken on more of a role helping the eldest instead so not one person doing everything and the other doing none.

We have been pretty much ok, I would say probably even better as we had a bit more time together. I've been a SAHM for 7 years now( various reasons), and hubs still does whatever he can when he can around the house and parenting, which I think is normal. Me or him might have other flaws, but when it comes housekeeping and parenting we have always been a team. He even remembers to buy me cigs when doing the shopping, although he obviously would rather I quit, as we've avoided me taking my boy ti the shops with me.
I feel bad for those friends of yours, those guys sound like assholes. Especially the one who was in physical pain and had to beg for him to get meds. Just cruel. I would go for a stranger in that situation, let alone your partner.

He's been okay. He spent about a week being excruciatingly grumpy (I just left him to it) and we've had a couple of 'if you want things doing to your schedule then I suggest you do it yourself' conversations when he's asked me when I'm going to do a chore, but other than that he's been good as gold.

As decent as he usually is. He is still working, mostly at home, sometimes popping into the office. I've been made unemployed which has left me feeling sorry for myself, quite depressed and disheartened about how narrow my life has become and having to rely on him being the sole earner which I hate. He understands this. He is currently downstairs feeding the kids while I am upstairs updating my CV.

I am aware of how 'lucky' I am though, we work well together as a partnership and there is mutual respect and friendship there. Neither of us is hard done by in comparison to some of the horror stories I read on here.

Mine's been great. I feel so fortunate compared to many relationships I read about on here, and try not to take it for granted.
He's cooked most meals daily (better at it than me!), we both clean up or he'll do any other housework if I ask (it annoys me that I have to ask, but it's no big deal) and equally pitches in with the children when he's able and doesn't begrudge me needing a break from them (he's WFH and I'm furloughed). We're very definitely a team.

DH does half the childcare now, splitting the day 8am-1pm and 1-6pm, I was already part time and he reduced his hours. I do the cooking and laundry, he does hoovering and dishes: other stuff including life admin is approximately 50/50.

We hadn't been getting on too well and we've each felt taken for granted at times, but yes I am really lucky to have him.

Mine’s been really good, couldn’t ask for anything more.
We do work as a team though. I’ve read posts on here before about women refusing to do their husband’s laundry or post MIL a birthday card, which is fair enough, but it does go both ways.

DH has been amazing as always (yes, puke!)

He’s been mostly working from home and, even with a lot on, he’ll stop for 5 minutes if our toddler is acting up or wants a daddy cuddle! During his lunch break he’s been sorting the garden out or taking DS for a quick walk. He’s earning his bi-hourly cup of tea from me!

Those poor women , how awful . I read somewhere there would be more divorce post lockdown and I think that's probably the case.
My DH does more than me. He wouldn't dream of saying something was wife work . I became ill last year and my mobility and energy levels are compromised as a result . He could not do enough for me and I was hard work , panicked and in pain. He counted out every tablet when my hands didn't work and sat with me while I cried at 4am.
I don't know what I've done to deserve him but I'm grateful every day.

Opens the fridge a lot

Constantly brings me cups of tea

Biscuit consumption MASSIVE

Lots of people will be reconsidering their relationships after this....

DH has been his usual wonderful, happy and positive self, he is so hard working and has done loads of painting in his spare time, he's always doing things to improve our quality of life.

I cannot imagine being with a prick man who would argue with me about going out to pick up post cancer op pain killers DH can't do enough for me when I have a slight headache. I hope when your friend is feeling stronger she LTB.

Pretty much same as usual. He does a good share of cleaning etc, I probably do more overall but I work a very 9-5 job and he's s/e and although not earning much atm is keeping himself really occupied with work related stuff to stand him in good stead for when it hopefully all kicks off again, so we've both been busy during the day most days. I've been doing most of the food shopping, meal planning and cooking etc but tbh it's mostly because I enjoy cooking and I'm better at keeping a handle on what we need, what needs using up etc. He's not had much money so I've been keeping us afloat but when he got paid for something the other week he bought some stuff I wanted to do up the garden so he felt like he was contributing. He also bought me some flowers today. We've mostly rubbed along fairly well, irritating the shit out of each other on occasion and a few cross words but nothing major. We don't have DCs though so that's one big pressure removed...I think it would have been more fraught in that scenario as we'd both have been wanting to get on with work which I imagine would have caused friction.

Mine has done a lot of work on the house. Which is great. But not a lot else. Which is not, as I am still working-in fact working more as a care home manager. It's starting to piss me off that I get home and still have to cook when he's been in all day (albeit doing diy stuff but that hasn't taken the whole day).
He's always a man of few words but has got worse since lockdown so we basically don't speak much which is waring.
Might be time for a re think once this is all over I fear

He's been fab, as usual. We have DD 18 and DS 20 back with us, so a full house. He insisted on doing all of the grocery shops and other necessary errands so as not to put anyone else at risk. He's done a great job making sure we haven't run out of anything despite the shortages. He's been teaching DS how to cook, in addition to all of the normal cooking and laundry he does.

I think you just hear people kicking off about the bad ones more than you hear people talking about the good men who have stepped up.

We are both WFH luckily in different rooms. He has been brilliant at pitching in with home schooling. Voluntarily reduced his hours to help. Organised family movie and pizza nights, walks, cycle rides. My only criticism he is hiding behind DIY and doesn’t talk about things. We are getting on better than usual. I think the slower pace and less social interaction suits him.

I can hand on heart say I do not know ANY men like the ones You describe.

I don’t have one luckily.

Exh has been shit at having the kids (well the youngest) as much as he’s supposed to though.

Mine has been amazing - really pulled his weight. He moved in with me at the start of lockdown and has completely pitched in. Before that it was mainly just me and the kids, and I saw him the nights they were at their dads and at the weekend. I’d forgotten how nice it was not to have to do everything.

In all honesty, my DH has really stepped up, and I've probably been the lazy arse!

DH has pretty much taken over cooking and washing. We've been sharing the child related stuff. We're both Wfh full time. I probably do a bit more cleaning, and definitely more organising (booking shopping slots/meal planning/making sure we have printer paper/school resources/ keeping in touch with school/relatives/friends etc).

Usually because of the way our work lives are structured, I do more household stuff, perhaps 70%ish. Now we're both at home, I reckon DH is doing about 70%ish. Some of that it because its a bit of a novelty to him to be able to do it, where as I'm so over cooking and listening to music practice etc so I just let him crack on with it!

DH is NHS and has worked throughout. Waving him off has been our little dose of normality. I don’t work so I have done the majority of housework, shopping, homeschooling and I think that’s only fair. He still offers to do his bit here too.

I recognise that this situation is not the norm but it feels good to write down how much I appreciate what he’s done and will continue to do. Poor man is on his knees and I just want to help see him through this and can’t wait for his etched lines of anxiety to fade.

Good grief those stories are horrifying! DH and I have got on fine - we share childcare and housework when both at home (I'm on mat leave and we have a 3yo and 8mo), he is happy to pop to the shops to get stuff, we've actually quite enjoyed the extra family time when he's been allowed to WFH so hasn't had a commute. He will also take a day off or use his flexi time quite happily if I'm ill or whatever. We are actually considering a 3rd child after lockdown!