Refuse to help without manners.

[Ticklemelmo]

I have a family member that asks for help eg needs money, borrow something, but never says please or thankyou. The request is usually very vague and its like pulling blood from a stone to find out why. E.g 'can I borrow a tenner'
I've refused on more than one occasion and they've gone in a strop to another family member , who then thinks I'm causing trouble.
Basic manners means a lot to me, aibu to refuse to help without the basic please or thankyou.

You're not being unreasonable at all, not to help, regardless of whether basic manners are used or not. But that would really get on my wick too, especially then running off to complain about you to another family member - and why doesn't that family member help them and leave you out of it, if they think that the cadger ought to be helped?

Is this a parent, sibling or offspring?

I know you're trying not to bias responses, but honestly it does make a difference. Not to whether it's rude of them but to how best to react to it.

I think you either lend money irregardless of what it's for, or don't.

I personally hate the formality of 'manners' between family. I think people will tell you what you want to hear, even if they mean it or not, like sorry, meaningless words.

You want them to dance to your tune, they don't want to, so leave it at that. There's nothing you can do about being talked about.

When you refused before did you tell them it was because they didn't say please? Maybe they don't know.

I don’t do anything without manners! It shows the difference between respecting you and appreciating what you are doing for them and you being used. Recently I got quite firm with younger relatives demanding things all of the time with no please or thank you when they are old enough to know better (between 7-12) so now if they don’t ask politely the first time the answers no. For example I was in the shop with a 9 year old who said “can I have this magazine” so I said “no because you haven’t used any manners” the response was “oh, please can I have this magazine” but I stuck with “no, you should have asked nicely the first time” within the space of a few weeks there was a huge difference in their attitude and how they spoke to people.

My family are worthy of the same respect that everyone else is so manners are the norm in our home. If someone couldn't be arsed to take two seconds to say please and thank you they can run along to whomever they please with their begging bowls.

I don't like the "manners police" and surely you can have a bit less formality among family members anyway.

People "kicking off" because they want something but refuse to use the simple words of please and thank you, would not be the sort of people I would be going out of my way for.

Manners police, ....whatever👍🙄

I am a complete stickler for manners and I think you are completely right. Manners can go a long way and I can't understand people who don't value them. Whether you're speaking to family, bosses, bus drivers, staff, waiters, CEOs, you speak to them all the same way. Expecting (or worse, teaching) children to decide who is worthy of politeness and who is not is a very odd concept.

Please and thank you costs nothing...oh wait..NOT saying it has cost them a tenner! Maybe they’ll learn the lesson.

I like manners..even in a loving family they have their place.Imgine not saying thanks to someone just cos they were your Mum

MrsGrindah - exactly! I'd say parents are usually the ones who deserve the most pleases and thank yous during a normal day! We've always thanked our mum for a lovely meal or dad for dropping us off somewhere, or for Christmas presents, etc. I can't understand why you would want to bring children up not even noticing when someone does something for them.

It's a sibling that asks and a parent that thinks I'm unreasonable.

What I don't get is we were brought up with strict manners but recently it's just acceptable to be like this..

Plus sibling keeps doing things to put themselves in trouble, and I'm just told that's what they're like. Winds me right up.

Well such a short, blunt request is deserving of an equally short, blunt reply surely?

If they don't need to explain, then neither do you.

How can other family be cross with you if you're not in a position to help out, without knowing your reasons?

And people without manners are highly irritating, family or not.

I think id tell your parent - I can't lend DB a tenner this week but feel free to lend it to him yourself😊

Grrr. Daughter in law and three kids NEVER say thank you for anything. For all I know they throw any gifts straight in the bin. So now I only give them money for birthdays, Christmas, not things. Same non response. It's very very irritating. So irritating that I never mention it as I would then be one of those MILs. But .

YANBU. It’s outrageous how many people can’t say please or thank you. Rude rude rude.

@longwayoff

Grrr. Daughter in law and three kids NEVER say thank you for anything. For all I know they throw any gifts straight in the bin. So now I only give them money for birthdays, Christmas, not things. Same non response. It's very very irritating. So irritating that I never mention it as I would then be one of those MILs. But .

Does your son thank you for his children's gifts?

Is it like, "I was wondering if I could borrow £10?" - because I wouldn't consider that to be rude. If you say "Yes, no problem" you may get a "thank you so much."

If you're refusing, you're not really giving much chance for a display of "manners". I would expect a "Yes please" for an adult to an offer, or "that would be lovely" is equally polite. I wouldn't expect an adult to be saying "please may I" - that sounds rather humiliating.

IME some of the rudest people (maybe not you, op) are people that stand on ceremony about "manners". DH's aunt has been incredibly rude and unfriendly to us over the years; turned us away from a family party at a hotel (as her children weren't there), wanted special treatment at our wedding (taxis and hotel room), when we could barely afford to get married. However, she did used to send our DC birthday gifts and expect a thank you letter, from me of course. - Bugger that, I don't want that rude woman's gifts, she's shown us exactly what she thought of us, I found it bizarre that she was sending gifts after she'd shown us what she thought of us.

Of course he does FunTimes, we're not completely uncivilised yet.

When they ask at that time say “ I would if you asked nicely, say please and thank you”.

I don't like the "manners police" and surely you can have a bit less formality among family members anyway.
Manners show respect.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite I wonder how the ones demanding respect show respect? Does it only work one way?

A bit more self awareness is often required by those that get themselves in a fluster by the lack of respect shown to them...and a definite dose of checking their privilege.

One of the best bits of advice I ever got was "you never LEND people money, you GIVE them money. And if you're not happy with GIVING them money, don't LEND them money."

Basically, treat every "loan" as a gift, however much they promise to pay it back - and then you'll never be disappointed.

There was a boss who embarrassed me on my first day at work because she gave me something and I was nervous and yabbering and failed to say thank you, I'd said all manner of other gratitude noises and comments

She was v pedantic and mean to do that to me and it showed her to be a very inflexible person,

If they ask rudely fair enough to decline ( decline for any reason ) but if you have ridged script that's but silly and mean