Hi
I am 21 weeks pregnant with a little boy, a much wanted and loved little boy that took 3 fresh rounds and two frozen rounds of IVF to conceive. I have a 2 year old Ds also from IVF who had congenital brain abnormalities that were discovered at the 20 week scan, we were pressured to terminate him throughout the pregnancy and were mostly given doom and gloom but he has ended up being a happy healthy boy with normal development. I also had a miscarriage following a successful frozen round of IVF last year. I had PND after my son was born and although the depression side of that has now gone I still struggle with the anxiety side of it but it's usually fairly well controlled. I came off my medication in November ready for IVF as I didn't want anything to affect the IVF or development of the baby if it was successful. The little boy I am carrying now was conceived on our last attempt at IVF as we have run out of funds a d racked up debts.
There have been problems from the beginning of this pregnancy with two heavy bleeds that both went on for 6 hours with bright red blood at weeks 5 and 6. I thought I was miscarrying but baby was there with a string heart beat on the early scans. I was alot more sick this time round and couldn't keep anything down apart from eating tiny amounts of cereals at regular intervals and small frequent sips of water. I couldn't keep the prenatal tablets down and my anxiety went haywire thinking this would cause defects on baby's development, I lost 7lbs due to not being able to eat, the sickness didn't go until almost 15 weeks. I was convinced I would see my baby dead at the 12 week scan but there he was alive and very wiggly on the screen. I felt movements from 14 weeks but they stopped completely from weeks 17-19 and I expected my baby was dead again but thankfully I felt him again towards the end of week 19. I started to struggle with anxiety and panic attacks leading up to the 20 week scan due to my experience last time with my son's brain abnormalities, not helped by the fact I had to go to a hospital an hour away for the scan and my partner could not come due to covid. The sonographer did check the brain first for me and it was normal so I allowed myself to relax. I had to go for a walk to try to move baby as they were lying on their front so she couldn't get a good look at his organs, at the end of the scan she said she's sorry she can't see the stomach and can't check the heart anatomy due to babies position and there is a problem with one of babies kidneys, either cysts or a block. She did a refferal to fetal medicine and I was sent home with no further explanation. When this happened with my son's abnormality I was taken to a private room until we were able to speak to a doctor who explained what was found and what tests would happen. This time told basically nothing and sent home. My partner rang up the doctor from fetal medicine that we had last time to see if he would have us again, we are in Wales and this doctor is in England so a different trust, he agreed and told us who to ring in Wales to request a refferal. They agreed to do this but I would need another scan in Wales first so they could give the doctor in England some more information to go off.
I had the second scan yesterday at 21 weeks, again alone as partners not allowed and at another hospital around 40 mins away. The good news was that one kidney is fine and she thinks the problem with the other kidney is caused by a block causing backflow of urine into the affected kidney, this can be corrected after birth and is potentially less of an issue than the other potential diagnosis. The bad news is that she can't see the stomach again so baby might not have one, but the amniotic fluid levels are normal and she can see baby swallowing suggesting that there is something there somewhere. She said if there is no stomach usually there is too much fluid as everything just passed straight through the baby and sometimes there is low/no fluid as the baby cant make any fluid. She said it's unusual to not see the stomach on two ultrasounds in a row but maybe baby has just happened to empty their stomach on both scans. Evenore worrying she said baby possibly has something called transposition of the great arteries, this is when the aorta and pulmonary arteries are on the wrong side and baby needs surgery soon after birth or they will die. I ended up having a panic attack but they were kind and let me stay until I got it back under control, I had another panic attack in the car and had to stay in the car park for another hour until I was in a fit enough state to slowly make my way home. They did send the refferals off straight away and my partner called the hospital in England and managed to arrange appointments with the same doctor from before who we trust for Friday, we also have an appointment with cardiology on the same day. I spoke to my gp about going back onto my medication because I am struggling to keep the panic under control and keep having panic attacks, but the medication can case heart defects in pregnancy so it's not safe, although that is more for first trimester, third trimester it can cause withdrawal and I don't want to hurt my baby any further so I don't know what to do. Worried the suicidal and invasive thoughts are going to comeback and I will be mentally broken by the time I have this baby, that's if the baby is even going to be viable. I haven't been able to sleep at all, I feel utterly drained and exhausted and I'm struggling to keep it together for my little boy. He is a sweet and sensitive boy and i know he is picking up on it but I can't help it. I'm really scared about friday, I have s terrible feeling that they are going to give us really bad news and I will have to pick between a termination and letting things happen naturally and maybe having a few minutes or hours with our son before he dies. I'm sorry for the long lost I'm just scared and have no one to talk to other than my partner.