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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect ds grandparents not to book a trip away on ds 1st birthday

74 replies

LEMONADEGIRL · 23/09/2007 07:32

That is it really, went to vist my dh parents and they casually told me thst they have booked a long weekend away to visit relatives. They go the day of ds 1st birthday.

Now I know that is my childs birthday but surely they would want to be there. I hadn't mentioned yet that I will be doing a family party as it is a month away but they must have thought I would do something.

Anyway dh said he sees my point but do you, aibu?

Must point out this is the only grandchild

OP posts:

MrsBadger · 23/09/2007 11:09

am perplexed that people are suggesting the gps should have checked if a party was planned before booking the holiday

they are not mind readers

whoever plans the party has the responsibility to tell people and invite them - it's not up to potential guests to ring and see if a party is happening!

Chickhick · 23/09/2007 11:10

Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. They are his grandparents not his parents.

grouchyoscar · 23/09/2007 11:12

YANBU

My in laws have always had Xmas at home and DGC1's 1st Xmas was painfully celebrated ...and on DS's 1st Xmas, MIL decided to 'have a change, and ended up going to SIL's for xmas...Mikffed? Not bally half

Issy · 23/09/2007 11:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

compo · 23/09/2007 11:22

but MrsBadger you don't invite people to a party a couple of months before the event.
I guess it depends how close the dh is to his parents. I don't really think of my parents as 'potential guests'. It is just assumed that if we are having a party they are invited.

MrsBadger · 23/09/2007 11:29

hmm - we are busy and have scattered families and friends so we do book things months in advance. Certainly if it's something we feel as strongly about as the OP seems to.

InMyHumbleOpinion · 23/09/2007 11:31

YABU. It doesn't matter and your child will not care.

bamamama · 23/09/2007 11:31

Could be worse - my mil just assumes she will be a the house of which ever gc's birthday it is. For our ds's 1st birthday dh announced that we couldn't open his presents until his mother had arrived. She lives 4 hours away so we would have been hanging around waiting for her so that ds's birthday could 'start'..... I know ds had no idea of what was going on but I'm not doing this until he leaves home...!

MrsBadger · 23/09/2007 11:31

(and my point was the op had already decided to give the party but hadn't told anyone. If she hadn't planned anything that would have been a different question)

SSSandy2 · 23/09/2007 11:34

find it a bit weird of the grandparents to choose that particular weekend.

Elasticwoman · 23/09/2007 11:40

I don't think your ils are being unreasonable. It is their life. But not unreasonable either if you say to them "so you don't want to come to his party then?" just so they know what they are missing.

FrannyandZooey · 23/09/2007 11:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be disappointed - you obviously had expectations that it would be a big family event and that they would be keen to come over and share in it, and it's disappointing to find out that that isn't the case.

However I don't think they are being unreasonable either - you hadn't mentioned it to them, and they do have their own lives, and probably have different expectations about what families do together and when. My mother went abroad for much of my pregnancy with ds (a tricky part when I had bad back problems) and I felt utterly abandoned - even though I had never asked her to be around or given her any expectation that I would need her during that time (we are not close).

Acknowledge to yourself that you are disappointed, and try to plan ways to avoid this happening again. You could even say to ILs "I am feeling disappointed that you are going away on X because I really would have liked you to be there on ds's birthday." They may not have realised you would want them there, anyway. Dp and I always spend ds's birthday with him on our own - we just like a quiet family day. Everyone is different.

Scotia · 23/09/2007 11:51

I think you are being unreasonable to be honest.

My parents are heavily involved in my dc's lives and see them most days. They have often been away and missed birthdays though, and good on them, it's not the end of the world.

My in-laws on the other hand went on holiday the week before we married (they had a year's notice of the date), were away for their first grandson's birth and made no effort to come and see him when they got home. Worse, my fil walked past his own grandson at the Christmas party he had (very publically)invited him to because he didn't recognise him. My ds is 3 and stood there crying. I was absolutely heartbroken for him.

Nobody would believe it though to see the photos etc they have up in their house. They live in the same village as us and they see him on birthdays and Christmas. I'd prefer them to see him because they want to rather than because the social occasion calls for it.

unknownrebelbang · 23/09/2007 11:58

I understand your feelings, but YABU.

theStallionOfSensibleness · 23/09/2007 13:48

whyd o peopel hvae a first birhtdya party
god oyu are stick wihthtem for the nextTEN eyars

grumpyfrumpy · 23/09/2007 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theStallionOfSensibleness · 23/09/2007 13:56

dont have a fuckign party!

Capers · 23/09/2007 14:07

Diary manipulation happens in our household too. Dreading the time that wee nippers learn to read the calendar.

bubblepop · 23/09/2007 14:46

hiya, this happens at my house the last 3 yrs of dd's life, my mums not there on her birthday becos thats when she likes to have her annual holiday abroad. i know exactly how you are feeling.

motherinferior · 23/09/2007 14:57

I only get miffed if the other inmates of the Inferiority Complex forget my birthday, a possibility I avoid by reminding them tactfully every day for the preceding month and generously throwing a party to enable other people to celebrate such a momentous occasion

snorkle · 23/09/2007 15:14

The fact it is the first grandchild is irrelevent. They should treat all grandchildren (and potential grandchildren) the same where possible.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect them to realise how important this is to you - I don't think it would be a big deal at all in lots of families. So, firstly tell them what you feel, then if they can't change their plans this year, hold the celebration on a different weekend. They will then be aware of your feelings and it (hopefully) won't happen next year.

Elasticwoman · 23/09/2007 16:38

What's a potential grandchild? You're either a grandchild or you're not, surely? No chance of becoming one later!

snorkle · 23/09/2007 16:54

plenty of opportunity to gain new grandchildren down the line though - if you are commiting to going to first grandchilds bdays, then you may be comitting to go to subsequent grandchildren's first birthdays too (or there might be shouts of favoritism from the parents!)

mumeeee · 23/09/2007 19:08

YABU. A one year old will not realize it's their birthday and won't notice who is there.
They did not know you were going to have a family party so can not be expected to arrange thier plans around it.

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