Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To expect ds grandparents not to book a trip away on ds 1st birthday

74 replies

LEMONADEGIRL · 23/09/2007 07:32

That is it really, went to vist my dh parents and they casually told me thst they have booked a long weekend away to visit relatives. They go the day of ds 1st birthday.

Now I know that is my childs birthday but surely they would want to be there. I hadn't mentioned yet that I will be doing a family party as it is a month away but they must have thought I would do something.

Anyway dh said he sees my point but do you, aibu?

Must point out this is the only grandchild

OP posts:

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 09:35

It can be difficult if there is 'background'. But far better, I think to take the moral highground over this and rise about their behaviour.

Mt dh's father not only forgot our kids birthdays, he also forgot his own son's bithdays, and christmas too (which took some effort I'd have thought)

In the end he died , and none of the boys were really upset, as they had never known him.

He was a waste of space, but not worth making a fuss about. What wnet around, came back to haunt him in the end.

roisin · 23/09/2007 09:36

I guess it does depend on the 'culture' of the family too, and what traditions are.

On my parents' 25th wedding anniversary both my db and I were on holiday with our families. My dad was dying of cancer and there wasn't going to be a big party, so we discussed it with the family and arranged to have a quiet family get-together the weekend afterwards when everyone could make it.

Everyone was really cool with this - specific dates are not a huge issue in our family.

My db is a doctor and works lots of weekends, and dh is a Baptist Minister and works every Sunday and lots of Saturdays. I and my sil both works in schools (i.e. Mon-Fri), so finding time when everyone is not working is a logistical nightmare.

WideWebWitch · 23/09/2007 09:38

YABU
First birthdays are for parents to drink Champagne imo, babies don't need anything.

roisin · 23/09/2007 09:38

Sorry MB, but I am ROFL at the idea of someone forgetting Christmas

Blandmum · 23/09/2007 09:40

honest to god! It used to go 'Your gifts are my desk, waiting to be posted'

Yeh, right!

He once rang DBIL on his birthday to ask him when dh's birthady was!

JodieG1 · 23/09/2007 09:44

My inlaws chose to go to their friend's 50th party rather than their first grandchild's 1st birthday, they had plenty of notice that we intended a party. C'est la vie, they set a precedant which has never changed. They've shown time and time again that they aren't that interested in us and are only really bothered about getting some photos to show off to their family rather than being truely involved.

They've also chosen to go away when it's dh's 30th birthday next May, each to their own and all that but did they have to pick his birthday to go on holiday?? Really annoys me.

Thankfully mu parents dote on their grandchild and wouldn't miss their birthday's for the world. They are always around to see them and are very involve in their lives.

JodieG1 · 23/09/2007 09:44

Should be grandchildren, we have 3 kids.

TinyGang · 23/09/2007 09:48

I rememebr feeling 'surprised' when my parents did this. I do think it's a little bit odd if the grandparents are 'keen' grandparents tbh and birthdays are seen a big thing in a family - especially first birthdays.

Mine seemed to have an urgent requirement to spend the weekend in Llandudno. I don't think they remember doing it tbh (my mum can swear black was white when she wants to) but for some reason they booked the exact weekend of dt's 1st birthday away.

And they knew I was having a family party too, so their absence was very noticable.

It's even odder because they really are involved grandparents. I've never figured it out.

ebenezer · 23/09/2007 09:50

YABU. Many grandparents aren't there for grandchildren's birthdays for all sorts of reasons - distance/work/other commitments. Specific dates really aren't that important - I think I was actually at work on all of my DCs 1st birthdays! When I have grandchildren I hope to be involved and interested in their lives without feeling that I have to fit my life around them IYSWIM.

moondog · 23/09/2007 09:52

You need to get a grip.
My dh hasn't been here for one of ds's birthdays (he's 3) or even his birth.
It's fine by me.

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 23/09/2007 09:53

The relationship seems to be on their terms. MIL complains that she doesn't see enough of ds but then does not put any effort in especially as she does not go to work. I do, but still find the time to visit.

Like you JodieG, my parents are interested and involved so that is good

Oh well, more cake for me and dh

OP posts:

Original poster

LEMONADEGIRL · 23/09/2007 09:55

oooh harsh moondog

OP posts:

roisin · 23/09/2007 10:01

Oh yes, also. I was away for ds1's 6th birthday, also his 9th and 10th, and will be for his 11th!

Latterly it's a school European trip - I don't have to go, but I enjoy it and ds1 says he doesn't mind. It's always on the same week every year. We have family celebration the weekend before, ds1 goes out with dh on his birthday, and then has party the weekend after.

moondog · 23/09/2007 10:01

Sorry!
It just strikes me as odd the way a lot of people fixate on an arbitrary symbolic date instead of what happens over a period of time.
I don't mind that dh wasn't/osn/t here for birthdays as when he is here he is a terific dad.
Sounds like there are other factors at play here..

TinyGang · 23/09/2007 10:04

But it does depend on the 'culture' of the family and their traditional observation of birthdays.

In some families it's a big thing, not so much in others, so the expectation isn't there.

compo · 23/09/2007 10:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
It wouldn't have taken much for them to say 'are you planning on doing anything for lo's first birthday as we were thinking of going away'.
I know they don't remember first birthdays but if you and dh want to do something then it would have been nice for them to consult you before booking a holiday

JodieG1 · 23/09/2007 10:10

I don't think it's a symbolic date, in my opinion it's important as that's the date of their birth, not symbolic.

I'd have been devastated if dh had missed any births but then so would he, I suppose everyone is different. He's also a great dad but birthday's and other important dates are important to him as well.

mazzystar · 23/09/2007 10:13

have only read the op

i strongly suggest having a piss-up with your mates instead

yabu

wheresthehamster · 23/09/2007 10:21

If it's important that they are there then have the family celebration the following week.

We've hardly ever had celebrations on the exact date anyway. The GPs used to say could we come up sometime with a gift and we would arrange a date, maybe buy another cake or something. No biggy

Kaz33 · 23/09/2007 10:29

Ah parents / parents in law and children - we have had six years of hell since my kids have been born. Now that they are 6 and 4 we are just normalising relationships back to what they were like pre-kids.

Try not to stress, you have expectations, they have expectations and you are very lucky if they are the same.

Invite them, its up to them decline and then have a lovely party and enjoy your beautiful son It all goes so quickly try not to get hung up on little distractions.

tigermoth · 23/09/2007 10:37

just read the op.

I think grandparents show love in different ways. Your dh's parents may not put much emphasis on marking annniversaries like this, but do lots of other loving things instead. Only you can judge.

FWIW my dh's parents were never here to mark the birthdays of our two sons (the oldest is now 13) - their only grandchildren. Yes, they did live distance away, but travelled a lot to see friends around the uk. It did get to me occasionally, but as they were loving in lots of other ways, it more than made up for this.

melpomene · 23/09/2007 10:39

YANBU

They could at least have asked you if you were planning a party before booking their trip. Or if there is a particular reason for them to go away that weekend then they could explain, so at least they are acknowledging the birthday rather than ignoring it.

anniebear · 23/09/2007 11:06

My Mum and Dad love my children lots, but they went away on their first Birthday

They did call in though in the morning to see them and give them their presents

any chance they could do that?

beansprout · 23/09/2007 11:09

If you spend your life deciding what other people "should" and "should not" feel, it makes it a lot harder. They are not neglecting anyone by going away on a day that your ds is not even aware of. The first birthday feels very important for us but really not such an enormous deal for anyone else.

Trust that they love him and look for the good in their relationship with him.

LIZS · 23/09/2007 11:09

I really don't think it matters. The gp's rarely see the kids on their actual b'day but if not usually call instead. Your ds won't realise !

Flip

1 2 3