To have a preference for my baby’s gender?

[kittensandmittens96]

I would like to start off by saying no matter what gender my baby turns out to be, I will be extremely happy, me and DH just want them to be healthy.

However, a small part of me (which my guilty conscience is eating up) is wishing that our DC will be a boy.

It’s our first child so it’s not because we have a girl already or anything like that, it’s mainly because of the relationship with my mother.

Our relationship is quite rocky, we argue and disagree a lot and I have a niggling feeling that she prefers my siblings to me.

I fear if we have a girl we will have the same rocky relationship I have with my mother. I would like to say that I would never favour any child and would make an extreme effort to ensure all my children (when we have completed our family) feel equally loved.

I feel so selfish and stupid saying that but yes I do worry if I am having a girl she will dislike me or we will argue a lot which I do not want whatsoever.

Again, I would just like our child to be very healthy so if we have a girl I wouldn’t be devastated. I am just wondering if any other mothers here had a gender preference as mine is making me feel so upset and guilty, I feel like a bad mother already

I had a preference, and I think many do, so I am not criticising you when I say this but I believe it is up to us to change these behaviour patterns and not allow them to keep repeating.

There is also a good book called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read that you might find helpful.

Girls are great. So are boys.

To have a small preference in the abstract, acknowledge it emerges out of poor relationships in your own life and then move on knowing that a healthy baby is what matters is entirely understandable.

If you were to be in bits absolutely devestated if your baby was the wrong sex like millions of the gender disappointment threads then you'd be unreasonable and need a grip handing to you.

Your child will be different to you and you are also not your mother! You will have a completely different and independent relationship with your child, whatever their gender.

I am nc with my dm as she was a rubbish one and we had a rocky relationship..
My first dc was a girl - she is now 30 and we have fallen out once since she was an adult. And it was for 2 days!! We have a great relationship - she has moved out but we are still as close as ever.
In no way has there been any similarities to what I had with my dm - or didn't have!!

I had a definite preference. Like you, I'm sure I would have loved the baby regardless but was relieved that both babies were my preferred sex.

Pregnancy and parenting can bring your own childhood issues closer to the surface. Have you considered having some counselling about your relationship with your mum?

Yanbu to have a preference. I would find it slightly unreasonable if you were absolutely in bits if you found out it was a girl.

I had a struggle to get my son and I found it hard to watch people being disappointed with their baby not being the sex they wanted. But I realise that was more about me than it was about them.

I also feel like I should add that you can have a totally different relationship with your child than your parents had with you. That's one of the best things about it. You'll be a different parent by making different choices, regardless of if they're a boy or a girl.

I’m exactly the same @kittensandmittens96 - ever since I was young, I have always thought I would have a son first, and now I’m pregnant, I’ve suddenly realised that it might not be the case

Similar reasons for me too - my family place less expectation on boys & quite frankly allow them to get away with murder, whereas the girls have a weight of expectation and are judged for doing things “wrong”.

I would love to break that cycle, but part of me just feels it would be easier to have a boy now.

It's fine to have a preference but it is a meaningless fantasy because when baby arrives it wont matter a bit. (I wanted a boy first time round, couldn't love my daughter more)

I had a preference, only because I could think of so many boy’s names that I loved and not many for girls. Also I always had a boy doll when I was little and I think it just conditioned me to want a boy! I did go on to have a boy first and then a girl, and I love them both equally. I do think that our relationships are very different as DS is very much a mummy’s boy, wants to be around me all the time, whereas DD is fiercely independent, but this is likely a personality thing rather than gender. I don’t think your relationship with your parents will have any bearing on yours with your child. Of course you’re allowed a preference but be mindful to keep it to yourself if it doesn’t turn out that way!