Cracks in a long friendship

[northernstar0412]

Sorry, this is long. A good friend landed a senior, well-paid job and offered me occasional work, with a promise of more in the future.

Working for her, I saw a different side to her - a wee bit snippy and officious, but nothing too bad. Outside office hours, she talks about work a lot.

All was going well until I performed a new task, which took me longer than expected and I forgot to follow one of the stages (which made no difference to the outcome, which she and other staff were very pleased with).

At the time of the mistake, she shouted at me. I said I was sorry and would not repeat it now I was aware of it, but was shocked at her reaction and the fact she wouldn't let it drop, to the point where I became tearful.

I have bosses at my regular job who do this and nobody likes them. I have been a boss myself and have never shouted at staff who screwed up because everybody makes mistakes and it doesn't achieve anything.

A week later we had a long chat which was friendly, but she completely avoided talking about work. I asked her about a couple of the other jobs she had previously promised me but she said she "didn't know if those jobs were happening now".

I am pretty sure she gave that work to someone else and it was money I was depending on, having lost a large chunk of my work due to Covid19.

I felt let down and avoided her for a couple of weeks until she texted asking what was wrong. I emailed saying I was upset at the way she had spoken to me and disappointed that the other jobs were now off the table. She replied saying "Sorry, I didn't realise I'd shouted at you" etc....."I value your friendship, let's chat".

So we did, and again it was all very "nice" but there was no mention of work or a proper apology.

Historically, I have some trust issues with her, as she bitches about someone we know but continues to be friends with her. In the past her mother let slip an unpleasant remark she'd made about me, which she did apologise for, and we moved on from it.

Those trust issues have resurfaced and, with the lack of a sincere apology, presumably because she feels justified, I am at the point where I don't feel like investing further in the friendship.

I don't know why I am so focused on an apology over something that many would consider trivial but without it I don't feel I can move on.

Am I being unfair and making a mountain out of a molehill?

[Dozer]

Not wise to mix friendship and work, especially with that kind of power imbalance.

Shouting at people - friends or not - at work is unacceptable and, particularly given her past behaviour, I wouldn’t want a friend who treated me like that.

[Dozer]

Agree with PPs that she was not U not to give you further work. There could be any number of reasons for her (or her colleagues’) decision on that, unrelated to your performance.

[Swiftier]

I had a similar situation, I had worked with someone (we were both in the same role) and subsequently became really good friends with her. We went our regularly for drinks, she came to my wedding etc. I moved jobs a couple of times and so did she but still in the same field. Kept in touch. She applied for a role at my work, in the same directorate as me but not my team (I was managing a team). She was offered a role (fixed term contract) it turns out, because the recruiting manager was desperate - she wasn’t their first choice or even second but they needed someone to cover maternity leave and it’s often pretty difficult to get cover for FTC - most people are after permanent. (Especially at this level - it was a £45-50k job so you’re not getting as many younger people apply etc who may not mind a bit of instability).

Anyway initially, it was nice - we went for coffees and lunch etc. We weren’t directly working together. Then after a restructure and a couple of people moving roles she ended up in my team so I was her line manager. It was awful. It turned out she was genuinely terrible at her job - think slack/lazy rather than being new, simply not knowing something etc. She’d call in sick for a week when a big piece of work was due so someone else would have to pick up her half-assed, half-completed work and get it finished. She was rude, none of the other colleagues liked her and she was very moody - friendly one day and wouldn’t even look up to say good morning the next. I tried to speak to her, tried to work with her but it was very difficult - she wouldn’t engage at all. I honestly kept asking myself if it was me, but I don’t believe it was. I also knew she’d been fired from a previous job and had a disciplinary at another - so I think it was her.

Thankfully she moved on to another role internally as she was on that FTC, again for another mat leave role.

Our whole friendship broke down and we haven’t spoken for a couple of years.

Anyway moral of the story - don’t work with close friends, you really can see a different side to them. It’s a lot to risk if you’re friends with someone. It’s particularly difficult when you have a power imbalance as well.

If I was you I’d create some distance from her so you can be professional but not too emotionally involved, and start building up work elsewhere/looking for alternative opportunities. If you do this you might be able to salvage your friendship - but given the other things you’ve said about her and your existing doubts maybe you don’t want to?

[Mittens030869]

I haven’t had a close friend as a boss before, but I did become friends with my line manager, and I’m still friends with her now. We don’t work together anymore, thankfully, as I didn’t find her easy to work for at times; she sometimes behaved like your friend.

The thing that would be a deal breaker for me, though, is the way she spoke about you to her mum. (I’m guessing it was bad, as her mum told you what she’d said, as normally a mum’s loyalty is towards her daughter, not her daughter’s friend.)