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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I sort this out?

13 replies

SophieFisher · 08/06/2020 12:13

My daughters father and I split up in 2012 but still have contact when the girls see him (generally 1 or 2 times a week). At the beginning of April we had an argument so he cut all contact with me and the girls for a couple of weeks. My eldest daughter's 14 birthday was in those 2 weeks so she didn't get to see him then which really has affected her. Now that we are talking again and my youngest daughter's birthday is at the end of July he's already talking about plans for her birthday. This has obviously caused upset with my eldest particularly as she's closest with him. Do I say anything or just let it go? He has done things like this at Christmas - gone on holiday just before Christmas so they didn't get to see him then and he tends to go on holiday the week they go back to school in September.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 08/06/2020 12:17

I would tell him you hoped both dc are very much in the plans. What a twat op.
Guess you already know that though..
If he gets shitty then you do something instead. The dc will start to see the real him of his own doing...

Windyatthebeach · 08/06/2020 12:18

I remember my divorced dps agreeing to go halves on a hifi for my 21st.
Week before df decided he can't afford it.
He had 21 years to save!!. Dm paid for all of it.
I never forgot...
Your dd won't either sadly.

MulticolourMophead · 08/06/2020 12:48

Ask him what he plans to do to make up for missing his DD's birthday. And don't be tempted to cover for him, his DC can see him in all his warts.

DonLewis · 08/06/2020 12:51

What kind of shit dad doesn't acknowledge his daughters birthday? She'll remember this and that's on him.

I wouldn't oussy foot round it with him and I'd tell him how shitty it was and how he's damaging his relationship with his daughter. But offer no solutions, that's for him to work out.

MatildaTheCat · 08/06/2020 13:38

Tell him there will be no birthday celebration with him until he addresses the birthday he has yet to acknowledge.

He sounds an absolute twat. I hope your DDs realise he’s just an idiot.

Original poster
SophieFisher · 08/06/2020 15:22

Thank you everyone. Almost every day she mention something to do with that birthday. It was hard enough for her anyway as I'm sure it was for many people. Her and her best friend are only 4 days apart in age so had planned a special day for them and some of their friends which was obviously cancelled. He announced this year we were doing separate presents for them (usually they each have a main present from both of us and a couple of small ones from each of us). Of course this also meant she only had half the presents (my half) which I can't help but feel desperately sorry for her. Oh and did I mention he announced he was leaving us on her 5th birthday?!

OP posts:
slashlover · 08/06/2020 15:36

Would your DD be able to speak to her dad about how she feels? If not, would she feel comfortable writing a letter?

Original poster
SophieFisher · 08/06/2020 16:39

@slashlover

Would your DD be able to speak to her dad about how she feels? If not, would she feel comfortable writing a letter?
That's a very good idea actually - thank you. We all had a discussion together about it around a month ago but clearly that didn't help her much. She has always been closer to him and so I'm hoping that this will work. Thanks again for the idea - I've been at my wits end with the whole situation.
OP posts:
0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 08/06/2020 16:44

He sounds like a horrible person. Who ignores their daughter's birthday? Yes he should play it very softly now and everything should be sheepish and joint/belated.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h · 08/06/2020 16:45

Why do you keep up contact? I just wonder if he's toxic and they're better off without this kind of hurtful sabotage.

Isthisfinallyit · 08/06/2020 16:59

I'm not sure if you should try to fix this if he chooses to be a twat. He won't suddenly turn nice for the rest of their lives.

Original poster
SophieFisher · 08/06/2020 17:09

@0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h

Why do you keep up contact? I just wonder if he's toxic and they're better off without this kind of hurtful sabotage.
He lives 10 mins away and works 5 away so gives him plenty of reasons to see them regularly. My biggest concern when we split up was having to raise the girls myself so I have always been grateful he has played a slightly less but still active part in their lives. They have always enjoyed spending time with him however now it's become a battle to get dd1 to go with him and I don't blame her. This whole argument barely even involved my girls which is another reason they still see him. When she does go with him now she comes back with positive things to say about her time there which is another reason to continue seeing him however is still incredibly upset that it happened to her and is convinced it's her fault.
OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/06/2020 17:40

My daughter wrote her dad a letter that had him apologising within a minute of reading it. It started with "Don't you fucking dare..." (which I pretended I hadn't seen) and absolutely wiped the floor with him. It got it out of her system Grin and when he called she wouldn't speak to him until I'd confirmed with him that he was calling to apologise.

It depends, though. I knew he'd respond to that. If you think your ex wouldn't respond well to it, I wouldn't put her through writing to him.

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