Husband and inappropriate texts to ex

[Smillar2020]

Posting for a friend.
DH and friend been married for 9 years, 2 DC. Recently found texts on his phone to an ex gf (think it was casual, not serious relationship). They were extremely flirtatious and reminiscing about the great sex they used to have. She said that she had recently split from her husband and joked about looking for an eligible bachelor and did he know anyone. He replied to let him know if his turn came around again. She said if he was back on the market she would consider it.
Friend is devastated. Appears to be no contact for almost a week now and she doesn’t think anything has actually happened. She isn’t sure whether to confront him or not. I’m not sure either. Any advice please?

I would confront. Her H sure seems to be flirty. It's very inappropriate even if nothing was to ever happen.

I would confront. He was up for it, she's the one who appears to have put the brakes on by saying only if he was single.

Yes I do think the “OW” can’t really be blamed as she did say only if you are back on the market. But they still engaged in sex chat etc after. Friend is raging with the OW as she thinks she knows he is married kids etc. I said it’s your H who is the problem, the OW is single. She doesn’t know what to do.

How did she come across the texts? Was she snooping?

If so, she clearly can’t trust him anyway and the relationship is doomed regardlsss.

Yes she snooped. Thought he was behaving oddly by texting and smirking really late at night. She was shocked.

Friend is raging with the OW as she thinks she knows he is married kids etc

Lol. Didn't he know he was married with kids? 🤷‍♀️

I hate the term snooping and what it implies about the "snooper". The husband is in the only one in the wrong here, and the wife has just been proven right that she was correct to be suspicious 🤷‍♀️

Your friend should absolutely confront him. What an arsehole.

@Smillar2020

Yes she snooped. Thought he was behaving oddly by texting and smirking really late at night. She was shocked.

Then she’s invaded his privacy, and that, along with not trusting him are the end of the relationship.

It’s not acceptable to invade someone else’s privacy just because you’re suspicious (and it’s irrelevant whether or not those suspicions are confirmed).

Your friend is out of order here.

I actually don't agree the friend was out of order in snooping. I think sometimes there can be justification after the event. In this case, she had her suspicions, and her snooping was justified by what she found.

They're married what's his is hers. Technically she looked through her own phone.
She is not in the wrong at all. He's a dick.

I hate the term snooping and what it implies about the "snooper". The husband is in the only one in the wrong here, and the wife has just been proven right that she was correct to be suspicious

Absolutely this ^

Urgh, that is so incredibly disrespectful. The trust would be gone for me, and without that you have nothing.

She 100% should confront - he’ll do it again if he thinks he’s getting away with it!

Husband is to blame, the ex tried to put the brakes on. Her anger needs to be directed towards him, not the ex.

Then she’s invaded his privacy, and that, along with not trusting him are the end of the relationship.

Love Mumsnet, only place where snooping on a cheating husband is worse than cheating itself. Only here a cheating man becomes the victim if the cheated wife does not officially inform him she is about to check his phone so he can have enough time to delete all the evidence😁

OP, tell your friend to kick a fuss, and quick before he gets in proper affair mode. I cannot even imagine why she wouldn’t like to confront him unless she thinks is better to have an extra woman in her marriage than reducing her standard of living by licking him out.

@Catsick36

They're married what's his is hers. Technically she looked through her own phone. She is not in the wrong at all. He's a dick.

Yeah? You want to apply that the other way round? You’d say that to a husband snooping about his wife’s stuff would you?

So you would be okay with your husband checking up on you? Going through your phone? Emails? Opening your post? Lingerie drawer? Private spaces?

This opens up a whole lot of shit for all the poor women in abusive relationships that you’ve just said it’s okay for their husband to intrude upon their privacy just because they’re married.

You’ve set the bar extremely low if you think it’s okay to not have any privacy when you’re married.

The OW is not to blame. IMO. Partner sexted someone and it really never occurred to me it was the "sextees" fault/responsibility

Friend just feels thaT men are so easily led astray and if this woman / ex knows he is married then why is she pursuing him back?

I was with you up til that last message.

The person 100% in the wrong is the husband, the OW could be a bit kinder, but she owes nothing to the wife, he does. Don't blame the OW.... That's her trying to place blame and keep the marriage... Marriage is doomed... And if not, it ruddy well should be

Your friend should not defer blame to the OW. Her issue is with her husband who she has 2 dc with. Husband is out of line.
Also wondering how the flirty texts have suddenly stopped. Does she suspect he has another phone? She seriously needs to confront her husband and stop blaming the woman who in her mind is trying to seduce her "poor, innocent, naive" husband.

I asked how the texts stopped. Apparently they were having general chit chat (not sex related on this occasion) and the OW mentioned something about the weather being nice. That was the end of the texts as far as friend knows. Perhaps it dried up?

I hope for your friend that means communication has stopped between them but who knows..? Either way, if she doesn't confront her husband she'll forever be suspicious and that's not right. Did you advise her to confront him?

Just got a proper look at the texts (photos taken). One of the texts from the H said to the OW that he was sorry he’d never taken her on a people date (with a joke about being too busy in the bedroom) and would’ve loved to have seen more of her if he’d thought she’d been interested (in anything more than sex I presume, reading between the lines). This was in the midst of their sexting last week. Is he trying to woo her again? Think my friend needs to confront.

Proper date not people

The OW is completely irrelevant here. If he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t have responded like that and would’ve just shut her down. That’s how I’d react if an ex texted me like that.

Of course she should confront, she can’t trust his feelings at all now. What would be the point of continuing with the marriage with no trust?

Her issue is with her h, sounds to me like he's open to more than texting.