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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish adult adoption was a thing in the UK?

13 replies

m4rdybum · 05/06/2020 22:02

I haven't had any contact with my mum for at least 7 years (apart from seeing her at my grandma's funeral). I moved out of her home at the age of 16 due to a number of reasons, including her addiction and domestic violence issues. I couldn't move in with my dad (due to his fear of past DV issues), so my sister took me in for a while until he was ready.

My dad has a fiance of at least 15 years and she is amazing. I consider her my mum but call her by her name. I struggle to call her mum from sheer awkwardness (my own) I think - although I do get her cards with mum on for occasions etc.

I really love her and although I think she knows this, I'd love for it to be official that she's stepped up when my own mum was shit. Now that I have my own child, I really appreciate how she has been there for me all the more.

But after looking into it, adoption only covers minors in the UK. And I'm really disappointed.

I understand that you don't need a piece of paper to show that someone is there for you but at the same time, if it would just be a piece of paper for someone over 18, why not offer that service?

OP posts:

DontHateMeForMyIgnorance · 05/06/2020 22:35

Ah OP, I understand your love for this lady, but you are an adult and don't need to be 'adopted'. Call her mum or not, up to you, but you don't need paper to confirm your relationship.

Now you r an adult, the relationship should be more 'friends' than parent child now anyway. Unless you have some sen (?)

Just focus on enjoying her friendship, and let go of wanting a new 'mum'. Focus on being a mum yourself and seeing this lady as your kids granny :)

hibbledobble · 05/06/2020 22:41

Yabu, as you are an adult. You can call her mum if both of you are happy. You can even make a certificate yourself, and/or have a ceremony (though after lockdown). There is no need legally to adopt adults.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/06/2020 23:20

It isn't necessary concentrate on the relationship you have. You could always thank her for all the things she has done for you, tell her she has been like a DM to you.

BabyofMine · 05/06/2020 23:34

I know it’s not exactly the same, but at least she’s your fathers fiancé. - If she’s your fathers fiancé she’ll legitimately be one form of mother, your step mother. I think it wouldn’t be odd if someone referred to their mother and I later found out it was actually a stepmother - it’s completely normal for a lot of people to do that, I know of several people who do it myself.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/06/2020 23:38

I agree with you OP

There is at least 3 people who I wish to adopt and one woman I would like to be adopted by

Aveisenim · 05/06/2020 23:38

Actually you can in certain circumstances, but it requires the adult to accept it. I can't remember the exact details and it's slightly different to a child adoption for obvious reasons but I wanted to get my GF recognised as my DF as he raised me when I was a child. Unfortunately it wasn't possible for us so I didn't look into in depth as he can't consent to it due to not being compus mentus anymore. I just know it's possible. I will see if I can find anything.

Aveisenim · 05/06/2020 23:42

I'm not sure if it's actually adoption, but a way to recognise that they have parented you. I'm googling now, it may be worth a free half hour to ask a legal professional?

SouthWestmom · 05/06/2020 23:43

Only children can be adopted in the UK. Sorry op but I get your thinking

Babamamananarama · 06/06/2020 00:03

There might not be a legal process, but you could always design your own kind of ceremony to celebrate the role your step-mum has as a parent to you?
It could be as simple or as extravagant as you and your parents wanted it to be. Perhaps a trip to a special place together, some witnesses, a few key words about the role she fills for you and continues to fill, and a meal together...?

SameStuffAnotherName · 06/06/2020 00:04

Actually I do almost wish it was possible.
If someone has been in a Childs life their whole life, they should be able to legally recognise their relationship, if for nothing more than inheritance purposes, if the step-parent wants them to be included. Wills are all well and good, but get tricky with step children sometimes.

feelingfragile · 06/06/2020 07:47

My DSD asked me to adopt her when she was 18 for very similar reasons. Obviously I couldn't, but she calls me mum, I call her my daughter (except here because the step bit is relevant). If you feel awkward maybe start by referring to 'mum and dad' as a pair and move on from there?

If she's as great as you say, I'm sure she won't mind!

Mornington1 · 06/06/2020 09:11

I wish it was possible, not for the child, but for the parent who adopted him or her. So that support and in particular decisions can be made in later life. The example that comes to mind is when a divorced parent re-marries and their second husband or wife has no children.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/06/2020 13:45

I understand OP.

My Mum hasn't been a Mum to me for years. We've been NC for a long time & I'm ok with that. But still catch myself at times watching friends, women speaking on MN and thinking wow, they're so lucky having a good mum. I wouldn't mind Mother/Daughter relationship with someone but there isn't anyone so it is what it is.

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