Am I expecting too much from husband?

[Anonymous1231]

Name changed to post this as people in my real life know my mumsnet profile name. Just had another fight with my husband as I wanted to vent about something very minor but he as usual dismisses my feelings. He’s a very quiet man and just your “one word responses” type of guy. I just want sometimes to have a moan about something and have a conversation about it rather than his response of “okay”. Most of the time I get more annoyed at his response to me and forget about the thing on my mind!

I do have friends but I don’t like being vulnerable with them. I moved here 10 years ago so not really childhood friends but met them as an adult. I do chat a lot with my sister and we both have a laugh but I sometimes wish I could do this with husband. Am I expecting too much? I only can be vulnerable around my husband and sister I don’t feel I can really talk to anyone else.

Might not make sense as I’m quickly typing so apologies if it’s all over the place.

It depends if he's always been this way or if it's a new thing. You're not unreasonable to want a two way conversation and understanding or another perspective. That being said if this is how he's always been then you are BU to be frustrated that he's not suddenly doing something different. Maybe have a chat at explain that you need him to really hear you and converse as an adult. Some men seem to be able to for every other human except their partners.

@JBEM4 thank you for your insight. I just feel like I’m deteriorating day by day due to lockdown as before I’d go baby clubs on my days off then have work colleagues but now I feel I just have my baby and husband. No one else to talk to!

Go for socially distanced walks with other people. That's what I do to save my sanity.

Thanks @torktorkbam. I just feel really low I don’t feel like talking to anyone (except husband lol) let alone go for a walk. I might try to force myself next week and see if it makes a difference tho

Have you actually told him how you feel?

I feel we have the same discussion all the time. I find him cold and distant. I don’t really have any other relationships to compare him with. Been married 10 years. The more years that pass the more I feel it’s not right as there should be more love like I see with others. I go through phases of thinking it’s him (he needs to be more living and chatty and open) or it’s me (I’m too needy and my expectations are too high)

Perhaps you're both scared of being vulnerable. It sounds like you both have some trouble opening up in general?
I do understand though, I think lots of women struggle with this as men often aren't brought up to chat, talk and analyse as women are. During lockdown it's understandable to miss this from other women, we can't get everything from one person though.
Can you do some other stuff to express yourself, journal, zoom calls etc?
Also do you think you could gently approach this subject with your husband? In a non blaming way, kind of understanding where he's coming from.

Ah don't compare yourself to others, it never goes well.

If your DH is a quiet man and has never talked much then that's how he is. If you usually have your moans and conversations with other people then maybe you are expecting too much for him to fill the gap while on lockdown.

How were you before lockdown, did you feel low, did you feel he was cold and dismissive?

Journaling does sound like a good idea.

How were you before lockdown, did you feel low, did you feel he was cold and dismissive

Since my kids have been born I’ve felt worse. I just feel the distant between us has grown. I need to be careful about too much details as I will become identifiable! E.g. when my first child was born my mother in law came into the delivery room! I was naked and doing my first breastfeeding! I looked at husband but he was oblivious and tried to get his father to come in but thank god midwife stopped him.

His mother has spare key for our home so for a full year just entered our home without knocking. I found it really awkward as she would just appear! Husband didn’t support me through any of this and didn’t care about my feelings. I was very clear I don’t want his parents in the delivery room, I was also clear to him I want MIL to knock on the door not just enter.

Lots of other things have happened. It’s not that he’s a quiet man, it’s I feel that he doesn’t care about my feelings. I was upset yesterday over a minor thing but as usual he’s very like “I don’t care, get over it already” attitude. Sorry went off on a waffle!

Oh there is so much more than him being a quiet man then. It sounds as though you have never been able to talk with him or have your voice listened to.

Are there cultural differences, are you not able to say to MIL or DH give me the door key and do not come round. To come into the delivery room shows total disrespect and disregard for you, coming into your home is an extension of that and your DH enabling both must be hurtful for you.

Are you able to go out if you wanted to?

It seems it is not just that he is a quiet man but rather that he is very dismissive of you. I would force myself on walks with friends it might make you feel better. He is not supportive and you need some support at the moment. Even if it is light chats.

@quietheart thank you. For years I felt my feelings and wants didn't matter. It was all about his mother’s needs and wants. Over time I’ve changed this, his family hate me now as I stand up to them now and don’t shy away. I wasn’t allowed to see my family in the beginning and one day I said to mil “why do your daughters come and visit you if I’m not allowed to see my own parents?”. She didn’t like this one bit! I do this with her often now, I question her “rules”.

@recycledbottle. Yes I agree he is dismissive, I’ve felt this for a while now. Going got walk is a good idea. I’m feeling very low at the moment so I need to just feel a bit better as I don’t have the energy to even think about going for a walk.

What do you mean, you weren’t allowed to see your family?

Are you in the U.K.? Do you see them now?

Sn0tnose - this was all in the beginning. Things have changed dramatically now! Yes she stopped me from seeing but I stood up to her every time. She knows now she can’t stop me from doing what I want. She still tries to control me in certain ways but I don’t let her. I sometimes feel husbands coldness is due to all the things that have accumulated over the last 10 years.

You aren’t being unreasonable to expect your husband, the man you are meant to be spending the rest of your life with, to care about you and your feelings.
I mean, If he doesn’t care, what’s the point in him?
Love, care, respect are all very basic things within healthy relationships.