...to hate my dog

[SorrySadDog]

I need to gent this off my chest and I know that I will probably be shouted at and please don’t think that I feel it’s okay to feel this way.

I have two dogs, they are three years old. As a family we got a spaniel in June 2017, I love her so much. A month later we realised that we could probably have a second because my husband worked part time etc so someone was home most of the time. I saw an advert for someone wanting to rehome a 12 week old Sprocker Spaniel and I thought that was probably a better idea than getting another puppy, if you want to rehome a dog after only having it for a few weeks then you shouldn’t be a dog owner (the irony as you’ll find out).

I turned up and it was clear she wasn’t a spaniel, I couldn’t work out what she was but the lady said she had been sold to her as a sprocker from a woman’s with gun dogs. I really only wanted a spaniel however the conditions she was living in were not great. Her bowl was piled high with cheap food and she was living in a crate with a neon fluffy child’s cushion as a bed. There were puppy pads all over the place and she hadn’t taught her to go outside. The pads were used and not picked up. The dog was very timid. I felt awful for her so took her home with me and very quickly she became best friends with my spaniel. They brought a lot of joy to our lives and I loved them very much....and after a dna test it turned out she was half springer half border terrier.

Last year she started attacking my spaniel, she has established herself as leader of the pack and does a lot of things that are classically dominating. Urinating over where the spaniel has weed to cover her scent etc. She won’t let her go down stairs in front of her and sometimes waits at the bottom of the stairs and there can be a fight. She’s recently been spayed so I’m hoping that will help with that. She is an absolutely softie around people and even other dogs she’s intimidated by, she’s completely submissive. But she is so mean to my spaniel and I hate it. Over the past 8 months I have steadily grown to hate her. I’ve tried everything to sort the issue and I hate seeing my lively friendly spaniel cowering.

Also, they’ve always slept in the living room with the door shut, for the last couple of months terrier has taken to scratching and whining for hours as soon as the sun comes up and I am at the end of my tether. The second she makes any whining noise it’s like a red flag to a bull. I can categorically tell you that right now I despise her. But you don’t get a dog for Christmas, or three years in this case. You get a dog and you care for them for the rest of your life. But I don’t know how to get over this, how to stop her attacking my other dog and get her to fucking shut up in the morning. If those two things were solved, it would be fine. She’s sat at the foot of the stairs at the moment whining at me because I’ve closed the stair gate. I just can’t.

I’m sad and I’m upset that I could feel this way.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Good luck OP, hope the behaviourist can help. Have you ever felt love for her?

[LadyEvelynBagley]

OP - worth looking at the research done on how dog's stress levels mirror their owners, in light of your latest update.

I would start to think it wasn't bad timing - it was cause and affect. Which is NOT to say you should feel bad or responsible, but more to allow you to understand your little terrier cross a bit more. I can dig out some stuff, if you would find it useful?

[dontdisturbmenow]

Sorry cross posting. Could she have felt your stress then? You mention a partner, is that a new partner? So a change of home and owner? How is he with her? It is a lot of a dog to adjust to.

[Laburnam]

I feel for you, it sounds like you have been through a lot and I can understand how your feelings might have changed if you see your other dog being attacked . Good luck with the behaviourist!
Would also be interested in the name of the calming potions people have used for my reference

[SorrySadDog]

Oh yes I have loved her! She’s funny and she was always the “good” dog whilst next to the terror spaniel who raids bins and recycling tubs. She’d sit patiently and wait, she generally is well behaved. But she does sometimes appear nervous. If I say firmly no to spaniel, she doesn’t cower, but terrier does and might whimper. I enjoyed spending time with her and made sure they had time individually. But then when she hit 2 it changed, although this was before we moved. We’ve been in this house since August last year and she seemed to settle in fine. Sorry I didn’t mean to drop feed re ex husband but was conscious of making it into a pity party when she’s the important issue rather than me if that makes sense.

My new partner (10 months) actually has always favoured terrier over spaniel, he’s given her a lot of love and affection and cuddles her happily. She’s as excited to see either one of us if we’ve popped out and come back home. When he gets home from work she sits at the door whining for him to come in from the car. She’s silent for me!

@LadyEvelynBagley that would be good thank you for your kindness

[Ihaventgottimeforthis]

I think a behaviourist will definitely help you understand what is going on with the terrier, and hopefully come up with some strategies to make life more pleasant for you all.

You should do this anyway even if you do decide to rehome - you need the new owners to fully understand her issues and be prepared for them, otherwise you risk her just being passed on again if they decide they can't cope.
You need to help her and train her, then rehome, otherwise you're just abandoning her.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@LadyEvelynBagley that's absolutely fascinating thank you for explaining it so well!

Mines 13 and very well behaved (mostly) but I'd like to read one (I have a business and about to start another plus set up holding companies etc so apart from titting around on MN which I really shouldn't am a bit busy). If you had to recommend one book for the owner of one small terrier which one would you say?

@SorrySadDog that's a complicated situation and I think that getting someone out ASAP is the only answer. Which you are doing. Good luck and I hope it all works out.

[SorrySadDog]

@Ihaventgottimeforthis I totally agree, it would not be fair to ignore the issues, rehome her and hand her “problems” to someone else to deal with. My hope is that together with a behaviourist we can do something and she will be happier. DS is going back to school on Monday so that should reduce my own stress levels, as others have said dogs are perceptive. I’ve emailed 3 of the 4, as one of them seems to be inactive and will wait to hear back. I can see one of them is offering zoom consultations at £42 which I think is reasonable? I wouldn’t know but it seems it.

Just to say I appreciate the advice, you could have all shouted at me and called me a terrible person so I was taking that risk - I just needed to be honest because at the end of the day misinformation and mistruths wouldn’t help

[StoppinBy]

@Vodkacranberryplease your advice is terrible.

Removing the dog and making it watch the fun through a glass window? That is a great way to put a dog in to a highly agitated state and actually increase the risk of it attacking the other dog and in a much more severe way when it gets a chance.

@LadyEvelynBagley I have trained dogs and worked with them all my life (vet clinics, boarding kennels etc) but recently got a puppy who took me by surprise. A rescue, we got her from a shelter at 11 weeks old, no known history. The first time I took her to puppy class she wanted to attack every other puppy there, so fixated that she was biting my hand as I tried to remove her from the situation.

It was fear and with positive reinforcement (and ditching the indoor puppy class which in itself was a threat due to it being so confined) she is now a puppy (6 months old now) who loves other dogs and practically bends herself in half to play with them. If I had used punishment instead if distance, treats and positive reinforcement I could almost positively say I would have an extremely reactive dog now.

Our older dog is 12 and it has been a few years since I actively trained/trialled and things have changed a lot but that it one aspect I am glad to see changed. In years gone by an instructor would have had me trying to pull my dog in to line with correction and domination over my dog, anyone suggesting offering praise and treats to a reactive dog would have had heads shaken at them but it really does work.

[LadyEvelynBagley]

If you had to recommend one book for the owner of one small terrier which one would you say?

Without a doubt I would read John Bradshaw's In Defence of Dogs. I wish I could read it 'for the first time' again. It cracked open my mind to dog behaviour in such an awesome way. It covers all the bases of behaviour and how humans and dog relate to each other.

OP, I will be back (meant to be working now!) with stress research links.

[SorrySadDog]

@lady I’m meant to be working too so no rush xx

[incognitomum]

@Vodkacranberryplease it's YuMove. I've even bought the human version Imove as was so impressed My shoulder has been stiff and sore for months so here's hoping it helps?

[musketeersmama]

Thanks for the book recommendation @LadyEvelynBagley, I’ve just downloaded it on my kindle. I have 2 dogs - a 4yr old cocker and her 1yr old bitch. So far, they’re the best of friends.

Good luck @SorrySadDog you sound like a very caring owner actually and I admire you wanting to find the best solution for your family. I hope the dog behaviourist helps you make the right decision.

[pisces12]

I agree with others that you should've done more research. I'm looking to get another dog and have discovered that the best option is to get a female as I already have a male.

I would rehome the dog as it's not fair for her to be hated by her owner.

[LadyEvelynBagley]

Some details on the study last year looking at stress in dogs mirroring that of their owners. below. It was a small scale study but built on other studies that flesh it out a bit...

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/06/190606102036.htm#:~:text=The%20scientists%20believe%20that%20dogs,level%2C%20rather%20than%20vice%20versa.&text=The%20levels%20of%20stress%20in%20dogs%20and%20their%20owners%20follow,level%2C%20rather%20than%20vice%20versa.

sciencenordic.com/animal-human-relationships-dogs-forskningno/dogs-mirror-owners-stress-level/1554973

Some details on how punishment-based methods can increase dog stress levels:

www.sciencemag.org/news/2019/11/bad-dog-think-twice-yelling-experts-say

Some basic info on stress-signals in dogs...

www.akc.org/expert-advice/advice/how-to-tell-if-your-dog-is-stressed/

A little bit on "trigger stacking" which may resonate IF some of the fights come after a sequence of stressors, so that your terrier is pushed over the edge and things that wouldn't bother her much of the time, suddenly become a problem...

www.albanypetservices.co.uk/so-what-is-trigger-stacking/

www.successjustclicks.com/trigger-stacking-but-hes-normally-fine/

@musketeersmama enjoy!

[GameSetMatch]

This is easy to sort isn’t it? She’s the dominant dog, treat or as such or you’ll have problems, feed her first left her walk slightly ahead etc. If you treat her as dominant she won’t need to fight for her place.

It’s just you as a human who thinks it’s kind to treat them both the same. Dogs work in a hierarchy it’s just their way.

[sillysmiles]

@SorrySadDog - I have no expertise, but I wonder if her behavior change was triggered by the initial violence in your home (which must have been horrific) and then the change of home and now an new person (regardless of how much she loves him). None of this is anything you can do anything about, but I wonder if it's made her less confident and more fearful and unsettled.
I think if possible to be visited by a behaviourist is your best option.

Personally I'd ignore anything that talks about dominance etc

[LadyEvelynBagley]

@StoppinBy I forgot to reply to you (sorry). Well done you for recognising that it was fear driving your puppy's behaviour. Many would have missed that, so how lucky she was that she had you as an owner to guide her in the right way. :)

[4Smalls]

Continually amazed at how very quick people on MN are to say "rehome the dog". Comes up time and time again.

[dontdisturbmenow]

OP, I don't think you really hate her. I think your frustrated and caught up in a vicious circle with her. She is very perceptive and picks up on your emotions. She reacts in a negative way and that makes you more frustrated with you.

I realised lately that my dog was reacting quite badly to me raising my voice and ultimate showing frustration when he bites me. The one time I really acted annoyed he ignored me all evening. I now just put him outside when he does and keep my voice to the same calm tone. He respond so much better to this, it's really surprised me. Dogs are so perceptive, it makes them quite very intelligent beings.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I will probably get shot down in flames for this but I wondered if you and hubby could 'swap' dogs for a little while? If you spend more time, fun walks etc with terrier and he does the same with Spaniel then it might break up the dynamic in a nice way? Terrier will see spaniel being spoiled by her favourite person - but you, who maybe 'belongs' to spaniel in her eyes will also be spoiling/spending time with her? Then you could go out together, you with terrier on the lead and lots of praise and treats while she's not being aggressive? Then off the lead hopefully. Not a fix just something to maybe ease some pressure and might help.

[BurMaMa2]

Titsywoo: Re :hating your dog who suffers from dementia. Have you thought of having her humanely put to sleep? IMO it would be much kinder for both of you to do so as soon as possible. She will be at peace, and you will no longer have the emotional drain of negative high arousal. If this process is too expensive at the moment, most reputable veterinary practices will take stage payments.

[StoppinBy]

@LadyEvelynBagley just lucky that she wasn't my first dog and that having worked so closely with dogs for a long time I was able to sit back calmly and see it for what it was. The instructor at the puppy class wanted me to keep bringing her back but we instead joined an outdoor club and also spent hours just sitting beside a busy walking track and then getting closer until she was comfortable. Last week the indoor class reopened and as our puppy course had been shut down early due to corona we were invited back, I was so keen to see how she would be. She was amazing, same space, no reactivity at all, just pure excitement to see the other dogs. Although her listening ears were not working all that well, I guess months away from real puppy play dates will do that when you finally get the chance to play lol.

[Titsywoo]

@Burmama2 what do you mean by negative high arousal? Regarding putting her to sleep, the vet hasn't suggested it. She is still eating and seems healthy enough physically. During the day she sleeps peacefully its just in the evening she wees everywhere (now in nappy), climbs all over me, barks constantly at nothing, scratches at my legs etc etc. There's no relaxing for me! I don't hate her, im just fed up. To be honest I'd only put her down now if i knew she was really suffering. My dd15 would be pushed over the edge mental health wise if ddog died right now. Lockdown isn't the time unless it is necessary.