WIBU to ask nurse to read letter to sick relative

[RonSwansonsMustacheComb]

A very close relative had a medical episode yesterday and is currently in hospital. Too early for prognosis, could go either way.

I was in ambulance with her but was told I couldn't come into the hospital which I understand.

I feel awful that I can't comfort her and it's making me quite upset to think how scared she must be feeling. She appears to be compos mentis but unable to communicate. She's been very unwell recently and to be honest I think she'd prefer if her time was done.

I was thinking about writing her a short letter essentially telling her that we love her and if it's time for her to go then that's OK (I know it doesn't work like that).

But I don't know if it's unfair to ask a nurse to read it to her, it wouldn't be very pleasant for them.

So, WIBU to do this? (I've been told I'm allowed to drop off pyjamas at the ward door to make her more comfortable, so could put it in with those).

Why do you want to send an unwell relative a letter that would be unpleasant to read? Just wish her well and leave out the death and dramatic stuff.

I feel awful that I can't comfort her and it's making me quite upset to think how scared she must be feeling.

A letter telling her it's ok to die is not going to reduce her fear.

Just send her a We love you type of card. Don't put anything on it about death or letting go. They only need to know you love and care about them. That's all that is important and lets them know that they are not alone.

@walkingchuckydoll

Just send her a We love you type of card. Don't put anything on it about death or letting go. They only need to know you love and care about them. That's all that is important and lets them know that they are not alone.

I hadn't considered that. Haven't slept in over day.

Thank you for phrasing it so nicely. I'll do that.

If you speak to the ward they may have cordless phones you can use to speak to her yourself. They may have an iPad for you to FaceTime.

Reading a letter would not normally be a problem. However we are not bringing post from the community into the unit at the minute. May be worth a phone call to check first what the trust policy is? You don’t want to pour your heart out and then the letter get stuck in a holding bay

If you speak to the ward they may have cordless phones you can use to speak to her yourself. They may have an iPad for you to FaceTime.

Even it you get to use the phone or FaceTime, please don't tell her you're fine with her dying - no one needs to hear that.

Agree, a nice card or a few photos. Not a hurry up and die already message.

In my experience of palliative care telling someone it's okay to go and leaving their bedside for the privacy to do so are encouraged practices. I don't know how your relative is, but I would usually wait for this when they're unconscious. I don't think a letter would be a bad idea and nurses are trained to deal with tough situations. If your relative is conscious then having their "last rights" (annointing of the sick) read by a priest can be helpful for the dying. My grandma wasn't able to have her last rights when she died last as she was in a home but I was able to see her the day she died to tell her it was okay to go. Most hospitals have a chaplain that would be able to do this.

Im a nurse and i wouldnt mind reading a letter to comfort a patient. I think it will he nice as long as its a possitive letter.

When my aunt was terminally ill, I sent a 'thinking of you' card. A 'get well' card didn't seem appropriate, because we knew she wouldn't get well at all.

Ring the unit beforehand and check IF they are taking cards. If not, try speaking to her directly or ask the staff member to write down your words and tell. I wouldn't mind reading out a short, positive message to a patient.

I'm a nurse and I'd happily read a letter. I did also speak to my Nan when she was very ill and we spoke about that she wished to just be allowed to go and she was fed up of living and being ill etc. I'm not sure that it would be appropriate for the nurse to say that though.

My Nan did seem far more content once that agreement had been made and she was just made comfy. So I do know where you are coming from.

Don't mention death, she will think you're trying to get rid of her.
Imagine? Hi aunt Maud, sorry your not well, but if you want to pop off, it's fine by us.
Poor woman would probably be shocked into it.
Telling her of your love and wishing her well is fine though, along with get well soon.

My sisters a doc on the Covid wards and she's let family FaceTime patients using her phone before

Hi OP, sorry you're all going through this. Although a lot of wards aren't accepting post a lot of our local hospitals have instigated a system whereby you can email the PALS team with your letter, they will print it and take it to the patient and either the PALS staff or one of the ward staff will read it if the patient can't. As others have said its worth enquiring about Skype or FaceTime or similar too. As to what to put, sometimes in palliative care we do let families know that it's okay to tell their loved one that they are okay to go, that although they love them and will miss them terribly they understand and don't want them to be in pain. Depending on faith and beliefs some will talk about seeing them again. Only you can know what's right in your circumstances x