20 years on and he is still putting her through hell

[Bellasorella1]

Strap in this is going to be a long one.

I met my ex-husband in my late teens after an awful childhood in care, I had zero family and zero confidence. Despite being having a single parent he seemed to have a great sense of family. Fast forward 19 years - it was all a front, we had two children he had been very abusive (phyiscally and mentally) for the last 7 years but refused to end the relationship. I was broken, living on eggshells but finally summoned up the strength to file for divorce - he went ballistic (again) was arrested and became subject to an injunction, which regularly broke.

My daughter, the youngest child, got used as a pawn by my ex and definitely saw far too many things she shouldn’t have, this (not apparent for many years) has had a big effect on her mental health. I have to put my own hand up and say I was a bit of a mess at that time with so much going on, my ex had alienated me from most friends and I did a good job of being far too needy (needing to talk all the time) with the few left. I didn’t have the money (despite working) , time or insight to realise I and the family should have had professional help to work rather than just powering on.

My daughter (now late 20s) broke up with boyfriend just before lockdown and has temporarily moved in with me. She was going through a very bad mental health crisis (presenting as wavering between constant abuse to me and screaming for help) but having managed to get her to a psychiatrist, she has finally had a proper diagnosis (previously she has only been diagnosed as depressed) and started to do much, much better.

However, her father after Is still a controlling bully and I don’t know what to do. His modus operandi over her adult years is to pay for something (her car is a good example) but only if he can choose it (it’s 14 years old) then constantly threaten, by ringing up literally screaming in rage, to take it away if a conversation, for instance, doesnt go his way. This happens over the most ridulous things. Since her diagnosis he has shouted at her disputing its validity. Her response at that time was he that she felt he also had a similar issue along with anger management issues - he went quiet for few days after that.

Unfortunately, (only because, in my opinion, this is a main reason she stays in contact with him at all) she has a teenage sister from his new marriage, who she is very fond of. She had arranged to take her to purchase a hobby item today but had mentioned I might go too as there is something I needed (I’ve only ever been same room as her twice before) . My ex has discovered this last night , it wasnt a secret, and sent my daughter a number of texts saying in essence if your mum is there, your sister is not going because he is not happy with it. Apart from firing back a message that completely inflamed him, she is pieces, she can’t understand why her sister is being totally protected (from something that isn’t actually a threat), whilst he did nothing to protect her own childhood in any way.

I asked if she had mentioned to her psychotherapist that she had underlying ongoing issues to deal with, not just historic problems, and she just got very cross. She felt as I am financing the sessions I want to direct them - honestly I don’t but I am totally at a loss what to do.

Incidentally, he has never treated our son (4 years older) in this way and, as you may imagine, this had led to a very fragmented family.

Does your daughter actually want to see her father?

One option is to simply grey rock and then gradually ghost him and wait it out until her little sister is old enough to see your daughter by herself. How old is the little sister? This could be only a couple of years, which may make all the difference to mental heath outcomes in your daughter.

She can't burn herself on her little sister's pyre. She needs to protect herself first so that she might be in a reasonable position to help and have a relationship with her sister later.

I think all of you need professional help and counselling to sort this out. Your DD is late twenties and her father is a very negative influence on her life. This has gone on for years. She needs help in dealing with this. You need to take a few steps back. I don't think you've done anything wrong but it's one of these times when whatever you do it isn't the righg thing. I hope things improve soon.

How old is her half-sister?
Is she able to communicate with your daughter independently of their dad?

Personally I would suggest your daughter take nothing more from her dad, money-wise, as it is always going to come with strings attached.
Unfortunately your hands are a little tied. If I were advising your daughter I would say that she should probably consider limiting or even stopping interaction with her dad, as it seems to be almost entirely negative.

But sadly I dont see how that advice could come from you without looking like interfering. I definitely think the next time she is upset you should suggest again that she mention these situations to her therapist. Not to direct her therapy, but to help her with a situation that is causing her pain.

I think you're going to have to let your daughter deal with her dad, as difficult as that must be.

The half sister is 14. I think my daughter has always felt she needed to stay in her life to protect her but the penny has dropped that she is being protected already in a way she wasn’t. That said, I am 100% certain (from things I have seen and heard) life in that household is far from picture perfect.

She has questioned herself whether it was actually the sister (as an awkward teen) had said it would be weird all 3 of us going out and test her dad was jumping in to sort out the issue. Which again comes back to why does he protect her but not me.

I totally agree that taking anything from her father always literally ends in tears but I cant stop her or match him. It’s akways been the case that I wirjed to put the necessities in place and he occasionally hands over a treat. She doesn’t earn much money at the moment, despite having a job with a reasonable level of responsibility whilst her brother has done well and bought his own house. Her father has been literally torturing her with the possibility he may (undoubtedly subject to the usual everchanging and unreasonable terms and conditions) give her a large sum to try and get her on the property market when he sells his holiday home. This has already been offered and retracted more than once. She has indicated she feels entitled to this given his behaviour through the years. I know, I know totally, utterly wrong.

If it was me I'd tell my DD she must make her own decisions. Why should your life be made miserable and problematic because of a man who made you miserable in the past and is continuing to cause problems, I'd say up to her how she deals with it and she needs to find her own acommodation after lockdown. Your efforts aren't being appreciated.

Sounds like my ex who still likes to exercise control over my adult dd. Luckily she is about to cut him out of her life once and for all.

Is the half sister actually being protected or is she being controlled?

@Mumoftwoyoungkids I personally think she is being controlled, but who knows. My daughter sent her a couple of (kind) texts this morning asking if she was uncomfortable to go to the shops with me and got a response it’s not up to me, it’s up to dad. I almost felt like it was the father sending the responses.

My daughter has asked today, when will this ever be over. Exactly how I feel too, yet I have now had several stretches of a couple of years where I haven’t had any direct interaction with him. She did also now say if she felt more centred she would like to cut him out of her life because, despite her hopes, he is never going to change and sh3 is fed up with him dangling carrots. That said she is also extremely depressed about her limited income and career progress. Like a lot of young people she is very concerned post furlough even that could be taken away.

She is in her late 20s. I wouldn’t call that young. She is a grown woman and needs to learn how to make her own decisions and stand by them - you probably need to put it very bluntly to her to stop relying on her dad so much for things.

I think I would ask her to think about whether her father actually likes women, I would say that you suspect he always treated her differently because she was a girl and you suspect that her half sister isn't anymore loved than her.

Suggest she could discuss that possibility with her therapist if she chooses.

Do you think your ex is a misogynist? Presumably male abusers are by default because they don't see any woman as their equal?

@RandomMess I think you have hit the nail on the head.

@viviennemary @grumpyhootsman. I think what you say is true but she is emotionally very fragile at the moment and his hurtful behaviour / shouting isn’t helping at all. It is very painful to watch your child go through it, at times she blames me too for ever getting involved with such an abusive person (the warning signs weren’t obvious until after We had the children) which is hard because given my background the one thing I wanted was a happy family and stability.

I wondered if looking at that aspect would help depersonalise his abuse towards her that it is merely because she is female and, very sadly, he hates her half sister just as much. Ultimately it may help her walk away even if she waits until her sister is 18.

All you can do is be there for her to help her pick up the pieces. She is an adult. She needs to make her own choices. It's good she's working through things now. It sounds like you could all do with talking properly together about things too, like you mentioned she blames you in part in a way too. Have those conversations with her. Talk, but also listen to what she has to say.

Do you think your ex is a misogynist? Presumably male abusers are by default because they don't see any woman as their equal?

@RandomMess This is actually pretty likely.

My ex is a misogynist. He was abusive to me, and also the DC, but I got out and DC and I are good and getting better. As an example, he was an expert in avoiding pulling his weight, to the point of telling our DD she had to do the housework instead of her homework when I was at work on his days off. So many of the myriad of reasons why I left can be traced back to his misogyny, including the financial abuse.