Relationship problem or a "me" problem?

[boymum9]

I've made quite a few threads this past 1.5 years (which I believe you can look back on..?) and I've really appreciated the help and support I've received on here! This is in part related on some previous posts but not completely!

Ex dh and I separated January 2019, it's been a rollercoaster and been really tough, we have 2 small sons, ex dh behaviour in last 18 months has included stalking, leaving children alone to stalk me, listening to phone conversations through my bedroom window (ground floor), multiple other things similar which lead to me finally finding a camera hidden in my bedroom in December 2019, something I suspected but could never find. I'd rather not have people questioning me about the steps taken after that but be assured steps were taken and his behaviour has stopped and things have been fine since then (as in we have a fine amicable relationship when it comes to our children).

I met someone not long after my dh and I separated, we took things extremely extremely (probably too extremely) slowly with everything that had been going on in my life, he's never met the children and were currently not particularly involved in each others lives at all. Last November we decided to take a break from seeing each other, mainly because my ex dh behaviour was taking its toll on new partner and on me and we felt that having some time for me to get to a place where ex dh didnt feel the need to get involved in things (he had caused issues for new partner in his work, done multiple things that were a complete invasion of his privacy etc) but new partner had always been, and continued to be extremely supportive of me but understanding that ex's behaviour was partly caused by the breakdown of the relationship and new partner never bad mouthed ex, he was extremely patient with everything. We had some time apart but ultimately decided we wanted to be together, he's a wonderful man, he's only ever shown kindness and patience, love, understanding, still never met my children (we want to wait until the time is right for everyone involved, there's no rush) but takes a big interest in them and their welfare, he's beyond thoughtful and is an extremely hard worker, on a physical side he's very attractive and sex is great.
BUT... I have something called pmdd, which is extreme pms, for at least 2 weeks leading up to my period I become depressed and critical of everything, I question my decisions regarding my divorce (despite all his awful behaviour!) ex's behaviour then doesn't seem so bad and I wonder if we could ever make it work, and it's not because I actually want to be with him, I don't, I don't find him attractive on the lesser end of the scale and on the more serious side he is a narcissist who controlled me and emotionally abused me and then stalked me for a year. I remember all the good in our relationship, which was a lot, and forget the bad, but I feel so bad my children won't have a "traditional" family unit, which is what these feelings are driven by. And then at the same time, I completely push away new partner, it's almost like I want nothing to do with him, and then the day my period starts I go back to normal and adore him and can see that we would have a really happy future together.
Apparently this is normal to feel this way about your partner when you have pmdd, I got prescribed anti depressants yesterday to take cyclicly from ovulation to my period, but right now being in the depths of feeling this way, I don't know what to do, I feel so awful I keep pushing him away while he carries on being so understanding and supportive of me and can see he's trying his best to not take it personally.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I need some people to be like "pull yourself together and remember what your ex has done!!"

Also I'd like to point out ex dh does things like this: when seeing ds's the other day, he picked up that I wasn't myself and about 1 hour later my security camera at the front door (which I'd like to add that I had to get because of him coming in and out of the house without my knowledge, looking through my things, obviously done that to put a camera in here at some point!) goes on and it was him dropping a bag on things he knows I like, chocolate, magazines, Prosecco, and sends a message saying something along the lines of "I know hormones are tough and hope this helps and I'm always here if you need to chat" which completely messes with my head!!
And then about 30 mins later the camera goes off again and it's new partner and he does the same thing but leaves me a new hoover (mine had broken that day and he knows I'm quite obsessive with cleaning), my favourite fabric conditioner because he knows I can't get it at my local super market and some chocolates he knows I like. Right now it's just completely messing with my head!!!!

I question my decisions regarding my divorce (despite all his awful behaviour!) ex's behaviour then doesn't seem so bad and I wonder if we could ever make it work, and it's not because I actually want to be with him, I don't, I don't find him attractive on the lesser end of the scale and on the more serious side he is a narcissist who controlled me and emotionally abused me and then stalked me for a year. I remember all the good in our relationship, which was a lot, and forget the bad, but I feel so bad my children won't have a "traditional" family unit, which is what these feelings are driven by. And then at the same time, I completely push away new partner, it's almost like I want nothing to do with him, and then the day my period starts I go back to normal and adore him and can see that we would have a really happy future together.

This must be such an incredibly hurtful situation for your current partner.

I'm so sorry you've been through so much, it sounds absolutely awful, but I think you need some therapy and some time single.

You can always reunite with your current partner once you're in a better headspace but at the moment you're hurting him and yourself by having a relationship while you are in this headspace.

It's not fair on you or him.

Your feelings about your ex are understandable for someone who has been through trauma but also very troubling, particularly as you reiterate that you question splitting with him despite his behaviour towards you and towards your current partner.

He sounds like he's been patient and understanding, empathetic more than most people and I don't think it's fair on him to continue this way.

As I say once you've had some time to pause and reflect and have some therapy to work through this, perhaps you could get back together.

But the shadow of your ex coupled with your pmdd is a toxic combination.

Really sad for both of you, I'm sorry you're going through this

sounds like your ex has known you long enough to realise what's going on. He might be taking advantage of this to make you feel warm towards him, or he might just be being nice.

HOWEVER

New partner has chosen specific things to help you in your particular circumstance right now (as well as the chocolates).

Your ex is clearly a horrific human being, based on what he did after you separated (and I would imagine whatever happened to make you separate although I haven’t read old posts). He’s probably just good at knowing how to push your buttons, hence the gift pack. Don’t even consider going back to him.

Your new partner sounds absolutely lovely. Maybe you aren’t really ready to be with him though? If this is how you feel? Possibly it’s not fair on either of you to be together.

But whatever you do don’t go back to the abusive piece of shit you managed to leave.

I would guess that those who have replied don’t have PMDD.

I also suffer with it and question my life while in the worst phase of it. Wondering if I am making good choices and really not trusting my judgement. It’s awful, to not be sure of your own mind.

I don’t think there is an answer other than perhaps really noticing how you feel when you are not in the worst of PMDD. Perhaps write down how you feel, score it from 1-10 and then use that to reflect on when you start to doubt yourself?

I really feel for you.

wow I'm going to Google PMDD as the description really resonates! before I do though I'd say it sounds like you have a lovely partner and just tjat i'd talk to him about how he feels, and make up your mind when not suffering pmdd, and try and stick to it eg see how those anti depressants work for you. your current partner sounds like a keeper so try and ...keep him! he obviously adores you, with or without pmdd. good luck xx

I appreciate so much these replies, thank you.

I do agree that how I feel and what I'm projecting onto new partner is really unfair on him, especially in how much he's supported me this past year. I don't think about going back to ex h as a reality, I know that would be an awful idea (even when I'm in the midst of the pmdd) but I does make me question all of my decisions and whether I made mistakes in leaving, and like I said the overwhelming feeling is sadness that my children won't experience a traditional family unit, but when I'm in not in those two weeks of pmdd I can see that they can still have a loving family, still have two parents that love them and on top of them another great person in their lives and we can start a new but different family unit, still with the boys as the focus, which new partner fully supports.

I pick out the most ridiculous flaws in new partner when I feel this way, like the other week it came out that he didn't know that raisins were grapes... which in my opinion was a little questionable that he didn't know raisins were grapes! But now during these couple weeks when I feel this way it feels like the most important issue! Which I know is ridiculous.

Honestly, I think you should be single for a while and see what treatments exist you may not yet have tried for your condition.

I would guess that those who have replied don’t have PMDD.

I think this is very unfair, PP including me have all said how awful a time OP has had and been sympathetic, but that doesn't mean she is in the right headspace for a relationship at the moment.

In fact being in a relationship means that for two weeks a month poor OP is feeling more pressure than she would do if single, as she has a partner to consider so feels guilty, confused and projects onto him.

I hope OP doesn't feel anyone has been unkind or dismissive of her PMDD and can see that saying she might not be in the right place for a relationship at the moment comes from a place of compassion, not from people lacking empathy.

You're probably right in that I maybe need to be single... I'm just scared to lose new partner. This last year I've tried all natural methods to ease the symptoms to minimal avail, one contraceptive pill which made it worse, the antidepressants for me are the next step which I hope will help.

My cycles aren't normal, ever 35-70 days on average, so I'm fine for the majority of the time, it's just the two weeks running up to my period. Otherwise I'm happy and my partner and I have a great relationship, happy and we're able to communicate so well which is something ex dh and I couldn't do. He understands me so much more than ex ever did, it makes the relationship very easy! Then everything gets turned on his head for two weeks!

Echo the try being single bit

@backseatcookers no I don't feel anyone is been dismissive! I really appreciate everyone's replies so much

He’s not doing that just to be nice he’s doing it to worm his way back in!! Forget about him in that way. Your kids will grow up seeing you in a HEALTHY relationship with someone else and will hopefully model their own future relationships on that. Why don’t you try and be single for a little while and focus on the kids? I’m sorry you have PMDD :( I feel bad enough the week leading up to my period can’t imagine how u feel. Good luck! 💗

When I'm in the full throws if PMDD I am literally suicidal. I'm using literally in the literal sense! I hate my husband with a passion and want him to leave me. The rest of the time I'm just normal (although still frequently think my husband is a twat!)

I take anti depressants full time and doctor recommended Eloinne contraceptive pill which has helped immeasurably.

I'm just saying all that to set the scene for others. I completely understand that it brings out your insecurities and how you treat your new partner.

I think you need to sort out your medication before you can really think about your relationship

You're ex is an absolute mentalist though, steer well clear!!

Thank you @nevergoingoutagain I'm sorry that's awful, it's not too dissimilar to me, not all months I'm suicidal but often I am, this month is a particularly bad month for me. I'm glad you've found something that is helping you, I really really feel for you! Have you always had pmdd? For me in has slowly been coming on since my periods returned after my second child.

With regards to being single, I'd actually happily be single, I don't crave having a partner and enjoy my own space and just love the time I have on my own with the boys, but I'm reluctant to dismiss this relationship entirely because I really feel like I've found an amazing person! For months when we first met I was very suspicious of his kind and understanding nature and how he was towards me...! It was very different to what I'd been used to, but overtime I've just come to realise that's just who he is! What if I never find someone like that again, and I chuck it away for what is fundamentally a problem that only happens in the two weeks leading up to my period, because like I said for me that isn't every month because I'm so irregular.

Ive always had bad pmt but it escalated after I had PND with my second. My 3rd pregnancy and bf was amazing until
My periods came back!!

I think tbh if you want to carry on wit the relationship you need to make sure he's completely with you and completely understands PMDD and the effect it can have. I don't know what to suggest tbh!

@nevergoingoutagain I had pnd After second as well, I guess that's what triggered it.

Thank you for your advice!