To Not Let My Mum Be Part Of Me or DD's Life

[phoenixwings]

I haven't had contact with my mum for five years now due to her being totally toxic with her abusive ways.

All my life she watched while her partners abused me both physically and sexually (although she didn't watch she knew the sexual abuse was going on). She was also emotionally abusive calling me stupid and never told me she loved me once but spent her entire time telling me I was a mistake. She took my abuser's side and went out of her way to make me feel as uncomfortable as she possibly could and later slept with said guy.

I am more happier without her in my life but most people have voiced their opinion about my choice to shut her out, saying she is not well and how I will live to regret it.

She has already been saying things to my Nanna and siblings about DD and it just makes me feel vindicated in my decision but today my sibling's dad brought her up (on a chat in Messenger) and when I said I was still not letting her be part of her life he went quiet and stopped typing.

I think this has made me have a bit of a wobble although I am fairly irritated and saddened that I still have to explain myself after all this time.

Am I being unreasonable to not her be part of mine and DD's life?

They all don't want to accept that the abuse happened and therefore they all want to play happy families to allow the denial to continue. You're not allowing that to happen - rightly so - so they see you as 'the problem'. And that's tough shit on their part. They have absolutely no right to do what they're doing and if they're miserable then they are only getting what they deserve. What it really comes down to is that you being NC is a constant reminder of what they've done wrong, and they can't live with it.

Stay strong (although you sound amazingly strong to start with!) and protect yourself and your daughter. You are doing the right thing.

OP you are 100% in the right here.
Don't let anyone else tell you or make you feel otherwise.
She failed you, you don't need her and it's only a matter of time before your siblings are old enough to cut contact themselves because they'll see her for what she is.

Your mum thinks she is blameless and has painted you the blacksheep. Mine too. But they are both wrong. I said to DH recently I’m not willing to do what she wants so I may as well get on with being the ‘baddie’.

You are doing the right thing imho

I've made the same decision and have no regrets 20 years later. The cycle of abuse ended with me- my kids have no idea what it feels like to grow up with a parent like that.

My kids are old enough to contact her if they wanted but they have decided not to. They know that I'd label her behaviour abusive but they don't know the specifics

I think it's hard for people to go didn't grow up in abusive households to understand. They see it like one really bad incident (like w fight) where as you lived through years and thousands of this kind of bullshit and the incidents that he knows about is the tip of a giant iceberg.
I'm really sorry that you had to go through that but you're really strong to protect your dd

If they get you back in contact they can pretend it wasn't as bad as all that.

You staying out of contact is evidence of their failures.

Carry on as you are.

@AttilaTheMeerkat will be along shortly with stellar advice.

I have no intentions of having contact with her again. Just wish people would mind their own and stop telling me what I need to do. I don't interfere with their lives, so why get involved in mine?

@Muppetry76 - I can relate with the whole 'she's your mum she gave birth to you' arguement as I have heard that so many times over the years. Just because she gave birth to me doesn't exempt her shitty behaviour, in fact it makes it worse.
Good luck with the counselling! I have been in and out of counselling since my teen years but didn't find it helpful at all. Next step is trying to work through all the trauma and un-learning everything I picked up trying to survive. I am not really sure how to do that.

@FuckityFucksake - I do hope so. I also hope it won't take them any longer than it took me before I chose to go NC. I worry about her level of manipulation in the meantime. I guess there is nothing I can do but sit it out and argue everything she tells them about the things I have seemingly done.

@BacklashStarts - I have said the same thing since! My DH has supported me all the way. My mother thinks and blames him for us not talking and has made him out to be controlling to all who will listen but I know that's because she needs someone else to blame. Blaming herself isn't an option. Especially if x,y and z didn't happen in her eyes.

Going NC is never an easy choice for any of us and it can be an isolating place for sure.

I am being driven crazy by messages sent by my mum.

I haven't read them because I know she will only be begging to see DD and to be a grandmother to her and I am in no mood to be going over the whys and how's over her behaviour.

DH is itching to reply and is also getting frustrated with her too.

I am at a loss what to do. Rationally I think it is best to just let her rant and rave away but knowing she is messaging is taking its toll on me mentally.