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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I’m so hurt by this

18 replies

twogeniesinabottle · 02/06/2020 17:08

Not sure if I’m posting in the right place or not but so advice would be ideal.
So me and the kids dad have been separated for 2 years, it was a messy relationship, messy breakup and messy everything in between.
We started getting on recently and have been speaking a lot, nothing would ever happen again but I finally thought we can put everything behind us for the sake of the kids.
My 6 year old daughter has informed me today that her dad had told her it was my fault we split up and it was my fault we don’t have our dog and cat anymore.
I’m so hurt by this. I have never said a bad word about him to his kids and have always told them that me and daddy just can’t get on living together. Making it quite clear it’s nobody’s fault.
I’m so hurt that he has said that.
Is this classed as parental alienation?
Do you think he’s trying to turn the kids on me?
How do I deal with this situation?
My daughter said she had told her dad it wasn’t my fault, she still should never be in a position where she is having to stick up for me in general let alone to her dad!!!

OP posts:

SpongebobNoPants · 02/06/2020 17:11

Are you sure he said this or do you think your 6 year old could be making this up to try as a convoluted way of finding out why you split up?

Fimofriend · 02/06/2020 17:11

Well, good thing you got rid of him. He sounds like an immature a-hole.

SpongebobNoPants · 02/06/2020 17:12

I would speak to him and ask what exactly was said. 6 year olds aren’t exactly renowned for being the most truthful

Original poster

twogeniesinabottle · 02/06/2020 17:14

I believe her as this is definitely something he would come out with. He makes me out to be a horrible person to everyone in general and has already attempted to turn his family against me by saying similar things

OP posts:

FrustratinglyFrustrated · 02/06/2020 17:15

Was he to blame for the break up? Or maybe part of it? If he was, then he's getting in first to take the blame away from him, he probably thinks you've told them it's all his fault so is just trying to look good. My ex was like that, it bothered me at the time, but, now, my children know what he is like and can make their own decisions about him. Try not to let it bother you 💐

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/06/2020 17:26

What a piece of work OP. YANBU to be upset but I think I wouldn't be looking to be anything other than cordial after this. You can parent without being friends or having contact outside of matters that involve your children directly- and I would advise him the reason and express disappointment that he would wish to cause emotional upset and confusion to his own small child, for his own ends, if it is indeed true.

'D' BIL acted his way throughout out naice and nephews childhoods. They are teens now and both think he is full of it and never desperately want to see him even when it is 'his' turn with them, often ask to come home etc.

You are well rid OP. They will make their own decisions when they're older. I would certainly gently set them straight on the pets though and explain these things are nobody's fault, though they are a shame and that we are all disappointed about losing pets, it's a sad thing to lose or miss one. These things can really cling otherwise, especially for a sensitive child.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/06/2020 17:27

Our niece* we don't have a naice.

YgritteSnow · 02/06/2020 17:28

I would speak to him and ask what exactly was said. 6 year olds aren’t exactly renowned for being the most truthful

Most of the six year olds I have known have been painfully honest actually.

HollowTalk · 02/06/2020 17:31

I agree, @YgritteSnow - I don't understand posters who say most six year olds are liars, especially in this sort of situation.

So glad you've got rid of him, OP.

AlwaysCheddar · 02/06/2020 17:31

Keep a diary of all these comments. On the up side, he’s an arse but a shit dad.

QuestionMarkNow · 02/06/2020 17:54

The best you can do is arm your dcs with another story.
Just repeat what you have told them before, that t just wasnt possible to live together because you were making each other miserable/unhappy.
Maybe tell them you disagree with dad and that's not how you saw things.
They will work it out all by themselves.

B1rdbra1n · 02/06/2020 18:05

keep a log
perhaps try to explain to her that it's unfair of her dad to put this on her, be businesslike with him, treat him like a coworker whom you dislike but have to be civil towards

MrMagooInTheLoo · 02/06/2020 18:31

Don't say anything negative about your ex or the relationship. Just that some adults are better off not being together.
Hurts and goes against instinct but far better for the kids.

LadyFeliciaMontague · 02/06/2020 18:38

My parents divorced when I was young.

I spent years listening to my -hardly there- crap father bad mouthing my DM. As a teen I developed a hatred for him.

My DM never said a bad word against him. When I got to older teen years I asked her why, she said “he’s still your father, I didn’t want to be the one to turn you against him”

She didn’t. Him constantly spouting hatred and shit about her caused us to turn against him. His loss entirely.

SunshineCake · 02/06/2020 18:41

There is no way a six year old could make this up to find out where their parents split up never mind think about wanting to know why they did. Don't be silly.

thenamesarealltaken · 02/06/2020 18:54

Oh you know, it'll be one thing after another... I have the exact same thing. Its ridiculous. But now, after 13 years, even though its amicable he still lies and accuses me of things, slates me to the kids. As they get older, they see for themselves. I'm not perfect, but neither is he. The lies her told were way ott! I'm beyond caring anymore. But at 6, your ex needs to think about his child, as lies like that might cause her to fear you or fear you leaving her, etc. I never got my ex to grow up sadly

Cheeeeesecaaaaakkkeeee · 02/06/2020 18:58

My eldest always asked why her dad and I split and I said the same, we just didn’t get on well in a relationship. She was 7 when we split for good. However he told her that it was his fault and he did a very silly thing. It’s awful that your ex has said this. There is no need to put the blame on anyone when explaining things to the kids. I’m really sorry. I’m not sure what can be done unfortunately. It’s good your daughter had your back though but he shouldn’t have put her in that position.

MintyMabel · 02/06/2020 19:23

Most of the six year olds I have known have been painfully honest actually.

Not just an issue of honesty though. DD is a really honest girl but sometimes her perception of a conversation at that age could be skewed.

As an example, “mummy, they wouldn’t let me go to the toilet at break time” was actually “I asked to go to the toilet but there was nobody available to take me at that very moment so they asked it I could wait til after break”

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