Marriage is nearly over

[Needsomehe1p]

Hi all.

I need some help please. My marriage is nearly over. I want to make it work but I cannot go on with things like they are anymore. Tonight, everything has come to a head. I would walk out if I could, but I cannot.

As way of background, there has always been real tension between our 2 sides of the family. My other half is convinced everything my siblings and mother say and do is specifically design designed to get at them. On the flip side, I am effectively disowned by their side of the family. (dont even get a birthday card or a Christmas present, and they will never talk to me on the phone. The last time I went round to visit was absolutely awful - you could cut the atmosphere with a knife).

There are other things as well. About a month ago, I asked to borrow their phone to look something up (that we were discussing). Thinking everything was alright, I opened it. There was a messenger stream of really flirty messages. Before I could do more than look at 1/2 of one, the phone was grabbed out of my hands and the whole set deleted. Since then, there has been constant complaints that the OH needs 'privacy'. Anyway, this went on for a month or so. I had to go onto our company facebook page to post a new add. This is linked to their account.

I found a couple of messages, from the same person, this time advising my OH that they should secretly get another phone so that I couldn't 'snoop'. Now, this was completely accidental. I asked about it and was told there was nothing. I didn't let on that I had seen that message (messages were deleted almost as soon as arriving). But it was not nothing obviously. Anyway, I pushed it but instead of admitting that having this sort of conversation was inappropriate, I was accused of being controlling and jealous. This is what has caused everything to come to a head.

Is it just me, or is this really really wrong?

Huh?

'They' want a phone to flirt with other people?

Pretty clear 'they' want to cheat on you - are you in an exclusive relationship?

I mean you're married but is it agreed you don't flirt/shag anyone else?

Married, with 3 children.

Things have been difficult for a very long time, but I have always been committed and tried very hard to make things work.

It’s 100% wrong and you should start making plans to leave. The issues with family are bad enough, but taking into account the messages it’s definite that an affair is going on. You deserve so much better than this. Personally, I would keep my cards close to my chest for now, don’t let on you know as hard as it will be and start gathering important paperwork relating to
finances etc

Always have been exclusive. When we met, I had friends of the opposite sex (one very good one - we had known each other since we were kids and supported one another when both our parents got divorced). Even though our friendship has always been solely platonic, I was pressured into giving it up. Which I did.

I found it a bit confusing to read - I think you’re trying to hide if your spouse is a man or a woman? I’m not sure that matters, they’re clearly lying and hiding some sort of relationship.

It is even more screwed up than this however.

I was sexually abused as a kid. However, the OH was raped at 18 (first sexual encounter). We met in our 20s and were both a bit screwed up. However, I went and got help with my issues but my wife did not. Instead, she originally broke down once when visiting my mother. My mother advised her to go see and counsellor and even set something up for her (my mother is very pushy!!). This did not work. Instead, my OH tried to talk to her mother; her mother slapped her, called her a slut and told her to shut her mouth and never speak of it again.

15 years later our marriage was breaking down big-style. She swung between depressed and very angry; the situation contributed significantly to me having to give up my career in the military and things steadily went bad to worse. We went to relate and the counsellor asked for a session just with my wife. Anyway, long as short of it, she started going to therapy on her own, and began to accept that things weren't right. In the end, she went to the police and reported what happened (I wanted her to do this for a long time, because I new that if they believed her, she couldn't go back to denying what had happened, which was the default for most of our marriage).

I was being a little coy about my gender and apologise. I thought people may react differently if I let on from the outset that I was the husband not the wife.

It’s not right your OH is having flirty messages with someone else and that same person is telling her to get a secret phone.
As one other poster suggested, don’t let on that you suspect. Try and get more evidence and get your thoughts in order before the next steps.
I’m sorry to hear you are having troubles.

Thanks everyone. I dont want things to be over. It is tearing me apart at the moment.

I want to find a way through all of the mess. I dont think the texting thing was anything serious, but something rang hollow. However, my wife does not want to engage. In fact, even after what happened (see above) she is still on the phone to her mother every day and her mother is an absolute nightmare. Everything is wrong. Everyone is against her. etc. etc.

I guess I came on here for some advice from 'the other side'.

How can I get my wife to see that saving our marriage is important. I have asked her to limit how much time she talks to her mother, because I believe her mother is a bad influence. She refuses to even talk about it, even though year's ago she made sure I could not discuss anything of consequence with mine. She believes that she should be allowed to talk to her mother for as long as she wants however, irrespective of my concerns over the appalling advice and constant problems that causes. Regularly, following a phone call, she is in a really bad mood and picks a fight, for example.

You shouldn’t have to fight for your wife to love you. What are you trying to save? You’ll never get past the suspicion. Your families can’t bear your respective partners.

It sounds like what you’re fighting for is long gone.

Don’t think it matters whether you’re male or female.

Your wife isn’t treating you well. Get out now.

@Needsomehe1p

You’ll get people saying you’re controlling for asking your wife to limit contact with her family but honestly if she’s picking fights with you after an interaction with them I’d be asking the same.

Thanks for that. It is all such a mess. My wife was a really nice person with issues of depression because of what happened to her. Now she seems to be bitter and angry all the time.

I guess I want my real (or should I say old?) wife back. I know she is still in there somewhere, there are flashes of it from time to time. But she is so bitter.

I honestly believe it is all related to her relationship with her mother, but she can't or won't admit that is completely fucked up.

Thanks. I have not asked her to stop talking to her family (even though she once threatened to divorce me if I didn't stop talking to mine). Instead, I have asked that she doesn't spend 1 or maybe 2 hours a day on the phone to her mother. And this is EVERY day.

I didn't think that was unreasonable. However, you are quite right, she accused me of being controlling, etc etc.

You don't want your marriage to be over. But it is. Your oh Checked out. And so should you. It will be heartbreaking but more satisfying to learn to be happy on your own then to be taken for granted and cheated on whilst being married.