AIBU to be so mixed up about whether to have a second child?

[AncientRainbowABC]

Basically, I’ve recently turned 36 and whether or not we have a second baby has really been playing on my mind.

DH and I have a fantastic DD who is almost 1. It took 2 years TTC and then 3 failed pregnancies in fairly quick succession to have her. We adore her and it was such a happy time to have her join our family.

Now I’m coming to the end of mat leave, seeing DD become more independent and turning older, I can’t stop thinking about newborns and the possibility of a second child. Probably remembering though rose-tinted glasses what it was like to have newborn DD, yes. But that feeling of a new life growing, the tiny squishy newborns, it’s so often on my mind.

Then I think you can’t have your first experience of anything a second time and maybe I’m just yearning for a happy
(and Covid free!) time, not another baby.

Then I think we’ve hit the jackpot with DD and maybe stop there. We are (to use that dreaded phrase) comfortably off but by no means care-free in money terms. It would be better for DD resource-wise if we only had her, and less stressful for me and DH financially, which again impacts family life. Life with two would mean moving house further out, longer commute/hours etc. I’m obviously biased, but our DD seems smart and ahead on lots of things so we often wonder if nurturing her talents, whatever they turn out to be, would be the wiser thing.

Then I go to the thought of her being alone when we die. But who’s to say she wouldn’t be anyway or that she’d even get on with siblings (DH and I don’t with ours.)

Plus DD is such a “good baby” - easy going, great sleeper, very affectionate and cute. If we had a more challenging baby I’m not sure we’d cope as no family to really on.

There are also the concerns about the stress and pain TTC brought us last time and do we potentially want to put our happy little gang of 3 through that as well as the new financial pressures if we do have a second? Would it be a net detriment to DD? And do me and DH as a couple.

But then I think of all the additional love and fun there might be too, if we were 4. Before we had DD, could never have imagined how much better life would be with her. What if it’s better again with another?

I guess my age is what’s made this come into focus so much. We’d have to TTC now(ish) in case it all takes another 3-4 years as the problems were never diagnosed. But TTC now seems even more stressful given all the uncertainty of Covid and DH’s shielded status.

Sorry for the essay and thank you for reading. It’s really helped just to write this down. I’d love to hear all and any thoughts.

YABU - you’re overthinking it, have a big G&T and revisit this time next year, still a bit of time left.

YANBU - second children don’t always bring more rainbows and sunshine, you’re right to be cautious and more isn’t always better.

It's such a personal thing and you have to do what's right for your family.
For every story you hear about siblings getting on great and playing together during lockdown there's equal stories of kids killing each other and parents pulling their hair out- the latter is true of my friends group!

I only have one, couldn't have anymore. Dc is 8 now so I've put it to bed. I always wanted more but actually I love being a parent to 1. We have a great time together. She's not been bored during lockdown and she's so independent that dh and I have been able to work from home stress free. We don't currently live near family and she has a good handful of cousins her age who she's desperate to be near as she sees them playing together. My two nieces don't play with their siblings, they play with each other. We plan to move nearer in the next year so that she will have cousins.

Another pro is dh and I have excelled in our careers relatively easily and I've reached a level where I can work flexibly.

When you've only got one child with you, you can leave when they've had enough, which means you can try out things they may or may nor enjoy. For instance, we're both musical, and she often came to listen to final rehearsals - sometimes she insisted on staying for an hour or more, and sometimes had enough after ten minutes. With multiples, you have to leave as soon as one has had enough. As she's got older, we've been able to do musical things together, because there hasn't been a younger one needing to be occupied.

I wasn't thinking particularly of the cost/time issues, but those definitely apply - you don't have to be thinking "if we let her do it, we have to budget for the other one doing it in two years' time", and you don't have to work out logistics of getting one to swimming and one to brownies at the same time.

I was one of a large family, and I'm not knocking that, but what you lose in some ways you can gain in others.

To be honest I wouldn't TTC in the current climate. There are so many uncertainties about the economy at the moment. Healthcare seems to have taken a dive and antenatal care in some areas is next to non-existent!

I'd wait 6 months - body recover, covid situation, time to think. Then if you're still not sure, perhaps stop any contraception and see what happens? Then it's in the hands of the gods, so to speak.

Broodiness alone is not a reason in itself, especially if it comes and goes, which I think can be natural with hormones. Were you ever happy with the idea of 1 child?

Nobody can decide or influence you on that, it's a very personal decision and the answer is very much deep within you. Take your time to decide how you feel about it, there is no rush. Neither is it a really rational decision, it's always heart and brain combined.
We have 3 children and 4th on the way (not quite planned and definitely our last but no regret) and I could imagine having just one child to be honest. Our children give us a lot of happiness in many many ways. Ultimately this set up wasn't planned per say (we didn't decide in advance how many kids we'd have, just decided as we went along really) but it works for us. It may not work for others and that's fine too.

Could NOT imagine....

There is no obvious pros and cons to a small/big family other than obviously more people will cost more.

Both DH and I are both doing pretty well career wise, this hasn't stopped us. Currently we're both wfh ft and whilst it's stressful with youngest one being 3yrs old, it's manageable and others with just one child even the age of our oldest (8) have found it harder because their child will demand constant attention. We're always trying new things and the kids know to compromise and are much more willing to try new activities than a lot of the single children I know. I don't think more children are harder to manage. In some instances it is logistically more complex but in other ways it can be easier.

Your family (and indeed your life) is what you make it. It's not determined by the number of children you have.

Reading with interest-such great comments here. I’m grappling with whether to have a second at 35. I always assumed I wanted two but I just don’t have the same intense need that I had with DC1, and now I know how tough the baby stage is, I am a bit scared of being that sleep deprived again. But I loved it at the time!

It’s funny I wasn’t that close to my sister when we were little and she was as annoying as she was fun. But we’re quite close as adults and the relationship is very special to me. Still as several pps have pointed out you just can’t control that, so much is about personality.

Our lives are lovely with one - fulfilling, enough money, enough headspace and time to ourselves, easy really. I wonder if two would be more all-consuming, or if another would just fit in.

Just putting it out there that kids are easiest up to the age of 1 or 2. Maybe make the decisions once you know what 2 and 3 year olds are like?
I found 0 to 1 child a harder transition to 1 to 2, but everyone's different.
My second was a nightmare compared to my first but I cope better second time around.
I never wanted an only child.
Thing about it more long term rather than do you want another baby. How do you see yourself 10 years down the line?

@Spotsonmyapples

I’m coming to the end of my first mat leave and am experiencing a lot of feelings like the OP. Your post is really insightful and helpful, and I think definitely applies to me. thank you.

More later - teething baby refusing to sleep, ahahahaha the irony!

Just wanted to say quickly SpringSpringTime, totally agree with every word of your post. I’ve just joined the One And Done On The Fence group on FB as recommended above and, from a quick skim, all their musings are super helpful with lots to reflect on, so I’d second that recommendation.

@AncientRainbowABC I could have written your post, slightly different as am 38 and DD over 2 but a lot of it resonates. A large part of me wants another but 3 miscarriages down and I'm not sure I can go through it again emotionally or physically. We are a happy band of 3, managing financially and emotionally. I was also very ill after last mc so don't want to risk being even more poorly. Also, a 2 year old is bloody hard work, not sure I could cope. Time is ticking by and we haven't tried for 6 months now, my partner says he will for me but I know he is happy as is. I wish I had longer to wait to decide but obviously dont and no guarantee it would go right anyway, or thst DD would even get on with a sibling. Part of me thinks we've been blessed with DD and just to appreciate that and accept that she'll be a single child but the other part says to try for one last time. She's such a sociable child that I'm sure she'd love a sibling but equally would be fine making friends elsewhere. Basically wanted to write to tell you you're not alone, it's such a tough decision abd no one else can make it. I often think like this - If I could click my fingers and be 6 months into a healthy pregnancy I would so I guess thats my answer, for me it's whether I'm able to risk getting there. You have some time to decide.
Also as PP have said - the end of mat leave such an emotional time, I was a wreck. Give yourself a few months to settle back into work then reasses.

My brother and his wife have decided to stick with one DC and it’s none of my business, so obviously I haven’t said anything, but I’m surprised and a little sad. DH is an only child and always said he wanted at least 2 children so they had each other. He’s had to deal with the loss of one parent and is now dealing with the other “tricky” parent - he has said to me so many times how much he wishes he had a sibling to share these emotional burdens with. As much as I have supported him as his wife, he wishes he had a sibling to reminisce with and to help deal with his parent so it doesn’t always fall to him/us.
I just hope my DC will be more like siblings than cousins to my brother’s child, so she will have that support.
However I am aware that I have been lucky with my relationship with my brother, and that not everyone gets along with their siblings.
I also fully understand only having one child for financial reasons as we would’ve loved 3 or 4 but are sticking with 2 so we can provide them with more financially.
Ultimately it’s a very personal decision, and this is just my opinion.

Just putting it out there that kids are easiest up to the age of 1 or 2. Maybe make the decisions once you know what 2 and 3 year olds are like?

Depends on the child. Mine was a nightmare aged 0-1, much better 1-2 and pretty much has been an angel from 2-4.

I’d get going now and see what fate brings you. Being an only child isn’t great and you’re at an age that it may be difficult to conceive later.

Being an only child isn’t great

Based on what, sorry? Given that research shows that only children have slightly better outcomes than children with siblings?

Please do not spout opinion as fact.

In life, care of parents usually falls to one person, usually a female. My DM is one of 6, and when my Dgm was unwell/ dying everyone had an opinion but nobody only my mother willing to step up and actually take her to appointments/ care for her etc. So having siblings in these situations could either by a pain in the arse or a blessing. My dm no longer speaks to her siblings after having an alright relationship with them for 60 years. She is now traumatised by how things panned out and wishes she could've got on and followed my dgm's wishes without others trying to go against everything my dgm wanted (e.g. she didn't want to go into a hospice a wanted to die in her own bed and health professionals were in agreement with this)

I'll make sure my wishes are in writing and that I have enough money to fund the care that I want in my older age.

Very true @megladon2020. DBil did sweet fa for DDil in his latter years, though he did find it all terribly terribly difficult. I expect no more help when it’s their mum’s turn. A sibling is absolutely no guarantee of that kind of support.

I have three and all were awful sleepers with no family to rely on. I wouldn’t change a thing! Having a gang is great.. but I always intended on having a gang and it never crossed my mind to stop at one. So I’m prob not the best person to comment!

I was unsure if I did want a second or not. Got a positive test on good Friday (wasnt trying) so I got used to the idea but unfortunately I've just miscarried that one. But it's made me definitely want a second one.

Age gap will be well over 4 years now and I'll be either 36 or 37 by the time its born but I do want it now.

My DC has just turned 5 and I was pretty adamant there would be no more as I found it so hard first time around. But I've constantly wrestled with the idea and I just wasn't content with only having one, as much as I tried to force myself to be ok with it.

My DS is desperate for a sibling and after thinking long and hard decided that a second would benefit our family dynamic so started trying in April, got a positive test 2 days ago!

Really happy, but it's not quite sunk in yet!

I think some kids are absolutely fine as onlies and never hanker after a sibling. That has just not been the case for us, ours has been asking since he was two and I know he would make such a brilliant big brother. It was me who needed convincing that I was strong enough to go through it all again.

So all being well, there will be a 5 yrs 9 months age gap, but that will make it way more manageable for me, there's no way I would have coped with a 2-3 yr gap.

I think perhaps you just need to give it a bit more time. You don't need to make any quick decisions. If you need to wait another year or two that's fine.

My baby is nearly one and I'm grappling with this too. I love my baby and I've enjoyed parts of this first year. However I've found transitioning into motherhood really quite hard, I literally crave time alone and peace and quiet. Between us we manage this quite well in a tag team sort of way and this means we both get some spare time to spend as we wish. This would be much harder with another child in the mix.

I'd love him to have a little play mate and as an adult my sibling is so important. Dealing with many things is so much easier with her by my side.

I totally get what you mean about wanting to replay a happier time. Pregnancy was hands down the best time of my life. Was so lucky everything was straightforward. I think I want to relive that experience rather than actually want a second child. I'd love to hold my newborn again but I'm not so sure I want to look after one!

I'm worried it'd take a toll on my body, I still struggle with some issues following forceps and I feel that another pregnancy could cause irreversible damage.

We are financially secure but another child would be another pressure, both in terms of costs and in terms of more years of part time hours for me.

I actually wish I wanted more children, I'd love a larger family but I honestly think for me personally it just wouldn't be a good decision. If we do go for it it'll probably be in four + years but we are assuming we have the luxury of time. Good luck!

@AncientRainbowABC Glad you found the Facebook group helpful too. For me it's been amazing hearing from lots of women thinking similar things to me and has normalised the uncertainty I've felt a lot. We're now planning to TTC a second. Our DC is coming up to four in a few weeks so it's by no means been a quickbprocess for us to reach this decision.