Bereavement and lack of contact from "friends"

[birdseeder]

I lost my mum suddenly last Friday (non-covid)

I posted on FB about her death and obvs received lots of lovely thoughts and prayers

2 people of I considered close friends posted on this thread but have not since sent me a single text, pm or email to event check I am ok since.

WIBU to be done with them if they still haven't done anything by next week?

I am aware I could contact them, but I am feeling quiet petty right now

Not at all. If it was a close friend of mind I'd be texting and calling regularly to see how they are and offer support.

Very sorry for the loss of your mother x

Sometimes people don’t like to feel intrusive in this kind of situation. I never know whether to contact someone after a death of a loved one and I never know what to say. I know after my loved one died I wanted to be left alone but I’m aware not everyone feels like that!

I am very sorry for your loss! 🌸

Sorry for your loss

Not sure ~I would tell close friends by facebook- that suggests that you dont want 1 to 1 contact with them.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. This must be doubly devastating.

True friends would be thinking of you and supporting you as much as they could, even though they don't really know what to say. Just knowing people, especially those we are close to, care for you and are there to listen helps so much at times like these. 🌷

People respond in different ways and I don’t think there is much strength in your friendships if you’re so quick to want to be done with them either.
They might have their own struggles, or just not know what to do or say. Or assume that other people closer to you like family are there or available so don’t want to intrude etc...
sorry for your loss though.

Sorry for your loss, birdseeder. - I lost my mum recently too (also non-Covid). What I have noticed is friends have reacted in all kinds of ways. Some people have their own ideas about what help to offer, some just offer space if I need it. I think I’d also be a bit taken aback if I had not had a response from someone. Personally, I’d contact them privately and tell them I still want to hear from them. Sometimes I think people either don’t know what to say or maybe feel you will get in touch when you feel you want to.

i had this with a friend recently. I acknowlged the death and sent flowers.

And then one doesn't know what to say.

in the end i just sent emails with a "no need to respond, just wanted to drop you a line and say hello" and then some general chit chat. and that was fine.

My DH and I lost a group of what I had considered to be close friends after both his parents died within a few months.

They just stopped inviting us to things, and didn't send messages or sympathy cards. In fact we just stopped hearing from them. Then they posted photos from a big fancy dress party. All the people there were people I had thought were my friends. We had not been invited or even told about it.

I deleted them from Facebook etc and felt a lot better. A couple of them sent me fake 'we are so sorry' messages when they realized they had been deleted, but by then it was too late.

Difficult events make you realize what's important and who's important.

A few years on and I haven't missed them at all.

Sending my sympathy to you for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. My mum died last year and it was enlightening. People who I’d thought were good friends, and who I’d done a lot for, were disappointing. Other people surprised me with their care. My friends have moved in their “ranking”.

But if they are close friends, and only found out through a general FB post, you did rather give the impression you wanted them to keep their distance.

I agree with pp maybe they are shit friends, maybe as you publicly announced it rather than messaging them direct they feel you don't want to be harassed, on,y you know your friends and if they have torn for this, if not I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, send them a message and see how often they bother to check in with you after that.
Sorry for your loss

Sometimes people don’t like to feel intrusive in this kind of situation.

I think that this is the case. My OH died at the start of the lockdown, not Covid related, and like you I received lots of messages etc. Since then a couple of people have called regularly, one being concerned he was 'over-doing it' and I have sent out emails updating people on how things are going, this prompted emails and calls as I seemed to be coping. Don't be too critical of people, I know when others have been in this situation I've been wary of seeming intrusive. The lockdown makes it even harder, not being able to meet up with friends.
Look after yourself.

Thank you for your replies.

To those suggesting posting on FB and not personally, I really feel you are way off base. How I decide to do it should not reflect on their reaction. It's a quick way of letting a lot of people know, outside of close family.
I have been on the other side and always sent a follow up message/text offering an ear etc.

Hmm, but you can't expect others to see things as you do.

Many people have told you that they'd see a general announcement with no private follow up as a sign you wanted to keep people at a distance.

Their feelings and views are jusrt as valid as yours.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.
In the same way that people deal with grief in different ways, I think people respond other's grief differently. They might think you want some space, and thought a FB post rather than a personal message was signalling that. When my mum died I just wanted to be left alone. I found the people who would constantly check in with me to be really intrusive.
A close friend lost her dad a few weeks ago. I've dropped her a line, but nothing else. She's similar in personality to me, so I've given her the space I think she'd want. I hope she doesn't think I don't care, I just want her to deal with things in her own time.
My DP lost his dad at the weekend, and has found the flowers and messages to be a comfort. I don't think I'd write your friends off.

Firstly I am sorry for your loss. I hope you are ok, and have family around you

To those suggesting posting on FB and not personally, I really feel you are way off base. How I decide to do it should not reflect on their reaction.
But, it's genuinely how people feel. If my close friend posted something like this on social media without reaching out to me first it would make me feel like they didn't want personal contact (specifically from me).I probably would have sent a private message / text / etc rather than comment on the facebook post though.

Selfishly I would probably also feel really hurt and worry why they didn't reach out to me privately and before social media for support if we we're close friends. And also question if I had done something to offend them / not want to tell me.

Do they have a history of being dismissive? You seem quick to drop them so perhaps this is the straw that broke the camels back?