To suggest my husband be tested for autism

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My DH and I have agreed that he is very likely to be autistic. We are mid 30s, young family, stable jobs etc but he does experience some degree of difficulty, especially in work, as a result of these autistic traits.
AIBU to suggest he seek a formal diagnosis?
What health/social benefits could this give, being diagnosed later in life? Or is he better letting it lie?

My diagnosis in adulthood helped me find the right support for my difficulties and helped me accept myself. It was a massive relief. But for most it's not like being diagnosed with a medical issue. They dont start trying to fix it for you. I never saw a doctor about it again after my diagnosis.

If your dh is diagnosed then he becomes a person with a disability covered by the Equality Act. This is important as it means, for example, that his employers are obliged to make reasonable adjustments for him. For example he may be allowed a quieter spot for his workspace, or to wear noise reducing headphones or whatever. It also means he should not have less favourable treatment for reasons of his disability. For example he shouldn't fail probation for not getting communication quite right as this is part of being autistic; instead he should have clearer guidelines and more support. I think it also allows him to disclose fully (I'm autistic so I may sometimes make social errors; this isn't deliberate on my part) or partly (I'm not always brilliant at picking up hints, so if you need me to do something, just tell me). In my experience once people know someone is autistic they are rather more flexible and make less "judgemental" judgements about them.

My husband is now going through the process.

He has been diagnosed with a few MH conditions now, going back since he was 20. He has been seriously unwell at times. I started to query autism a while ago and at a MH appointment with a new nurse he mentioned it and she said that she was thinking the same and couldn't believe that no one else spotted the signs in the 22 years he has been under MH services.

He scored high on the screeners, but there are no appointments to be formally diagnosed for 2-3 years.

He now looks back at his childhood and it all makes sense to him, how he felt, his behaviours etc. It all makes perfect sense, and it has helped him to understand himself and not be so critical that in all these years of MH treatment, things remain largely the same for him. He is slowly learning to accept himself and making sense of his whole life.

It has helped me too. I can understand his behaviours so much more, which means I have been able to support him better.

His mum is also going through the process. They are very low contact but he needed her to fill in the development screener, turns out she is going through the same process of diagnosis too.

I got a formal NHS diagnosis last year. I spoke to my GP beforehand and she said there wasn’t a huge likelihood of getting accepted for a referral as she’d tried before for another adult and couldn’t access anything. However, my questionnaire results were rather extreme (47 our of 50 ASD traits) and my referral did go through. I was diagnosed without them speaking to my family (they usually ask to speak to them to confirm problems and behaviours growing up) because my ASD was that obvious to the lady who assessed me, although I did of course give her contact details for them. I am what would previously have been diagnosed as Aspergers as I had no developmental delays, although I have had day to day struggles throughout my life (social, routine based, hyper sensitivity to stimuli etc).

I am VERY glad I did it because it gives me job security insofar as my work can’t make changes to my environment that would disadvantage me. I have always worked flexibly from home for my employer, and this means that if management changes at any point (eg if the MD retired), I wouldn’t be forced to come into the office to work or worked increased hours (I would not be able to cope, and also live 300 miles from the office now...).

I really can’t think of any downsides to my diagnosis. It has helped me and family (husband and blood relatives) understand my needs better. I can also access schemes in airports etc that help me manage where I would previously have embarrassing public meltdowns as an adult woman (I’d feel such shame at my own reactions but be unable to articulate anything beyond panicked hysterics). I used to avoid all long distance public transport as I found it so hard to cope with delays, noise, people etc. My diagnosis has really helped my self confidence and has given me the self awareness needed to help avoid things that cause me problems or allow myself accommodations.

Good luck to you, your husband and your family!

Also remember it is a spectrum and many people have traits of ASD but would not be classed as having ASD.

I was diagnosed as an adult a few years ago, I asked my GP to refer me. She was a bit cynical but agreed. It was a long NHS waiting list but I was finally assessed and diagnosed. My traits include - being poor with social cues, foot in mouth with things I say by accident, sensory processing issues especially about clothing (I wear cotton wherever possible!), being sensitive to noise, struggling to maintain eye contact during conversations....
For me a diagnosis has made a huge difference. I had no clue I might be autistic until I was looking at a MN thread one day and realised it presented differently in
“High functioning women”. Personally once I thought I might be, I couldn’t be settled until I was assessed and knew for sure. I actually cried with relief when I was diagnosed. Here I was, mid 30s, finally with an answer as to why I was ‘different’. Now I know that, I make more allowances for myself. I give myself time to recover from social events. As a PP said, if you’re diagnosed you’re covered under the disability discrimination act (so guaranteed interview for jobs if you might criteria is one). I’ve had better support at work since diagnosis too.
Question is - does he want to seek an assessment?

I'm following this thread as I have wondered myself if I might be. I have sensory issues around food, trousers and shoes, struggle to maintain eye contact (I have to force myself too), struggle socially, can become obsessive over music or films and struggle with change. I wonder whether I should talk to my GP but then I think it would probably be wasting their time.

He might as well ask - cos if it's on the NHS he will be waiting 2-3 years to get seen!
Worth everything to me - I knew I was autistic but I didn't like to refer to it without a diagnosis in case people thought I was a self indulgent hypochondriac.
Realising I was autistic explained so much of why I found things tricky. Using techniques or just understanding things made life so much easier. I didn't need the diagnosis for that tbh.
My child is autistic and it was also really important to me to be able to say to him that officially I was too.
Getting a diagnosis won't get him help.

My DH got diagnosed very late - as part of ADHD investigation - as borderline autistic. It's been enormously helpful to us as a couple, family and him as an employee. His employer has made adjustments which have increased his quality of life so much we can hardly believe it. He's also doing a much better job as a result. They said no to the adjustments for years, until the diagnosis and then boom - they bent over backwards to help.

As his wife, I'm much less likely to criticise him for his annoying habits - it's calmed us all down so much and there's more love in the house. Go for it!

Victoria Bun, yes, I’d say it’s worth looking at autism from your description.

I like the way you want to see what benefits he’d get.
Shouldn’t you be thinking of what help he could get to help him at work and in his life?

My ex wife tried to convince me I was autistic and I should get tested.

That’s why she’s my EX Wife. Maybe I am maybe I’m not? I don’t really need someone to put a label on me I know who I am. I’m me

@fuzzyduck1
I think you have misinterpreted the op. She is asking what health and social benefits (as in, advantages) there might be in getting a diagnosis, not whether he would become entitled to monetary benefits .

Thanks for all the support.

@fuzzyduck1, @IhearyoucallingMarianne is correct, I mean benefits to his wellbeing. We both work full time and (very) thankfully have no need for monetary benefits.

My brother was diagnosed at 25. He found it beneficial as we all knew what we could do to help him. Sometimes their behaviour is frustrating it helped us all understand him better & to open communication lines too

I hope you get some answers and your DH is able to get some help.

@CountessFrog thank you for your reply about my GP. She also said that I would have to declare a diagnosis when applying for jobs and made out this would be a disadvantage so better not to have a formal diagnosis. It's only really since a friend was diagnosed and suggested my dd and I were the same that I started looking into it and lots of light bulbs went off. Dd didn't even get past the gatekeeper at CAMHS because she has friends and is ok with eye contact. She has superficial friendships like I do. My mum wishes someone had recognised the traits in me when I was a child instead of just thinking I was weird about things. Can you recommend any websites or books that could help with coping with our difficulties please? Sorry OP, I don't want to derail your thread.

I was diagnosed (privately) at 30.

It saved my job and marriage

YANBU to suggest it. He would NBU to say no thanks.

I did find my Adhd diagnosis as an adult useful even before I started medication. It was validating and assuring in a way that wondering about it or thinking i probably had it so let's just try this technique aimed at people with ADHD never was.

Maybe it's just me but I feel very stressed when I can't make sense of something. Once I understand the reasons behind it, I can cope with it much better.

Why would you need to declare a diagnosis when applying for jobs? It's your private medical information and none of anybody else's business. Of course if you are asking for specific accommodations you would need to declare it but otherwise no.

I was diagnosed with ASD in my early 50s and found it really useful to help me understand myself. I thought that I'd done enough reading during the very long wait to have a pretty good understanding of ASD, but I ended up learning so much more during the actual assessment. I found it a really positive helpful experience.

You do need to declare an ASC diagnosis to apply for the armed forces. I’m not sure about any other jobs though. I can think of a least two patients in the last couple of years who have come to us for reassessment of a previously diagnosed ASC because they wanted to join the forces and were being rejected, which I think is scandalous. Unfortunately we couldn’t ‘remove’ the diagnosis in either case, as we felt it was the correct diagnosis in both cases.

Overwhelmingly, I think there are more positives than negatives, particularly in respect of legal protection/reasonable adjustments. Lots of good books, too many to recommend really, but lots on the Jessica Kingsley Publishing website and the reviews will speak for themselves. I quite like ‘living well on the autism spectrum’ and ‘I am aspien woman.’

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

The Curly Hair Project is a social enterprise which supports people on the autistic spectrum and the people around them, founded by autistic author Alis Rowe.

www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/about-us/contact-us.aspx

www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/

How is it actually going to help him?
And what are you hoping to get out of it?

Clearly he is a functioning member of society... he's employed, he is able to engage in relationships meaningfully to the point you were happy to marry him.
And presumably you wouldn't have gone on to have children with him and enabled him to become a father if he was that atypical?

I say this as someone who has experience of a family member doing similar and seeking a silver bullet. It didn't pan out that way and if anything opened a Pandora box with no good resolution.

Placemarking..