Does anyone struggle with pressure because you have shite confidence and fail a lot?

[Movingonupnow2020]

I drive myself fucking mad I really do.

Trying to finish off a piece of work for uni, my final project. I've had extensions because I have poor health. I have felt almost demented with anxiety on and off, and now I'm quite flat and numb.

This isn't a one off though and that's what's so worrying. How do I fix such a huge crushing lack of confidence? It honestly is so bad for my mental health I just go down a dark hole of thinking well logically this must mean I will never add value to this world, I cannot do anything, etc etc.

On a day to day level I do not feel like this, I don't go round thinking I'm a bad person or anything. It is triggered by being intensely useless when I have to achieve anything.

Nearly every job (some exceptions) I've had has been the same. I get so wound up, I cannot learn how to do it, I start factually assessing how useless and pathetic i am and get so ashamed I need to escape so end up quitting or get sacked for being thick and stupid and a disappointment. But the thing is I don't think I'm all that stupid. I think it is something to do with no confidence and intense fear.

I fail so often you'd think I'd be relaxed about it by now but it only gets worse.

Even when i have small wins in the workplace or on my uni work it doesn't help - I just feel ashamed that it's somehow not real and a fluke. So i don't think it's as simple as just keep trying, 'fake it til you make it'.

I know I sound mad and unreasonable but what do I do to fix it?

Oh you're not alone! Honestly I make it up as I go along and run and hide as soon as I think people notice that I'm stupid. I wish I had the answers I really do! But I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling like this.

Yes, me too. Stress or pressure of any sort makes me fall to pieces. I now have a job which is low stress but also low paid as a result. This works for me after years of trying to "achieve". I also strongly suspect I'm on the spectrum so that's probably playing a part (also history of depression and anxiety). I'm not sure what the answer will be for you, but ask yourself what you feel you realistically want in life, what the cost may be, what your values are and try and live by that.

I have dreadful anxiety and work in a job where it's easy to stay under the radar, but sometimes I'm in a position where I have to lead, massive pressure on me, and honestly I work better that way. I hate it and fall apart afterwords but I realise that when I'm pressured, I remember the things I need to, I'm hyperaware of my surroundings, and it is utterly exhausting and I'd hate to do it every day.

There's no easy fix. I've been bullied out of jobs, I lost a job because I had a panic attack at a bad time. Finding the right workplace was a huge part of boosting my confidence. Some bosses are far better with mental health and support than others.