To ask your advice and opinions on an important issue?

[Bollism]

Hello Mumsnetters.

I'm a 47 yr old female, living alone in lockdown.

At the beginning of 2010 - my life changed HUGELY AND UNEXPECTEDLY for the better. The background to this is in 2004 I was involved in a humiliating work related/romantic incident which was due to my low self esteem and poor boundaries. I left my job and my life spiralled downwards a bit after this incident.

I put on a huge amount of weight - going from 8st to 15stone at 5ft 2 and became very socially isolated. I rarely socialised or dated, and the one time I did a so called 'friend' took advantage.

Despite being a graduate from an upper middle class family I ended up living in a block of flats which demographically is among the 3% most deprived areas in England. I experienced a very traumatic situation there - life or death - situation which involved me having to consequently relocate to live back with my mother in the city I was born in with no job.

I had 6 months off work to regroup - I was on anti depressants, at the beginning of 2009 I got an entry level job in my home town. During 2008 I'd lost a lot of weight in spite of the trauma and in spring 2009 my life improved, I moved to a nice flat in a smart area, as a result of being promoted to head office in a city 300 miles away from my home town, where the head office was, and a few months later I began a course of fertility treatment - artifical insemination - IUI, as I was single and wanted a family. It wasn't successful.

However, at this point I had a lot of savings following a previous property sale so £100000+. I decided to leave work cos i could well afford it, I continued to rent my flat and started a Masters Degree course in Feb 2010.
Despite the IUI being unsuccessful, I had a feeling of hope that my life would improve around the end of 2009/beginning of 2010, and sure enough, around that time I very unexpectedly reconnected with a man I'd previously known at a former work place who I had got on well with and really fancied. For context I was 37 at this time.
I also opened a facebook account and reconnected with a very good friend and and friends from my childhood I used to know at school. Facebook still seemed to have quite a 'new' feel about it back in early 2010 - feels a different site from what it is today. I was also slim and very attractive in my opinion by this time - size 8 and 8 stone - all in all I really was on quite a high. I mean, can you imagine a few years earlier I was 15 stone with absolutely no social circle and quite honestly, miserable as sin so the improvement by early 2010 in my life felt revolutionary to me.

• I continued to communicate with this man I knew via facebook - he lived 200 miles away and we met up a few times. I also met up with a few friends and felt like a completely different person. Myself and the bloke I fancied kept in touch until the end of 2013, I hadn't worked from 2010 as I was on a full time college course. Also, my weight had ballooned up to 14stone again by the end of 2013. The relationship broke down at the end of 2013 between me and this bloke as he wanted to meet but I'd ballooned up to 14st again and he was very good looking and I felt I couldnt meet up with him although I really wanted to. I couldn't get a job after my college course so went back to my home town in spring 2014, lived with my mum,suffered some traumas there so decided to move back to the other city I'd been living in since 2009 with mums financial help. This was spring 2016.

Luckily in August 2016 I got a job and have been here ever since. I've suffered low self esteem in my job and therefore haven't made any friends here. I gave up on the fertility treatment when I reconnected with the man I liked in 2010.
Thing is, I can't help feeling very down about the fact that I had some EXCELLENT personal and social opportunities as well as over £100,000 in savings in 2010 and now in 2020 I've let all that good fortune slip through my fingers. I've lost the bloke, money and chance at fertility treatment - OK I know some women do conceive after 47 but I'm single with only a small FRACTION of the savings I used to have.
So I'm now basically stuck in an entry level job, no friends , no family and life feels flat although I do live in a good area. At the age of 47, I'm honestly asking myself, what now? Any ideas?

Just to mention as well my mum now has dementia and as an only child I'm left dealing with a lot of the practicalities as she can no longer deal with any financial decisions.
I really miss my own social life, as well as the days when my mum used to socialise.

Don't worry about the vote button BTW! I didn't realise it was automatically included!

I think you shouldn't regret what's happened but focus instead on your future. I see a lot of positives in that you've had promotions, made decisions and also endured some tricky times. That takes a lot of strength. Maybe you could adopt or foster both of which could be rewarding? You've built things up before in your work so you can do it again.

I think you need to look forward not back.
Yes you had all these things. But I held a crown once, doesn't mean I was destined to be queen.
You need counciling for the trauma in your life and you need to live on.
At 47, I would say to give up on the prospect of a family at this stage. Unless you want to adopt.
Living in a good area is lovely but I don't think that should be the highlight of your life.
Find some hobbies, interact with people, meet someone new. Travel a bit.
For the love of God, please don't go on about how minimal your life is at your entry level job... People hate it!

You have a lot of freedom to make a positive contribution to the world in diverse ways. Think about how you could something satisfying with all that freedom.

fgs, give up the past. It is what it was. Think forward.

Just to add context - the reason I ended up living in a deprived area in 2008 is because possibly, subconsciously I didn't feel I deserved any better - I was carrying a huge sense of shame round with me.

Babymamamama - thanks for your comments about the positives - maybe I could build on those

lljkk - I see what you're saying on one hand.

The thing is though I feel I have LESS freedom now than I did at 37 with over £100,000 in savings! Now I've got a fraction of those savings. Less savings definitely equals less freedom in my opinion.

Thanks for all your comments and feedback, btw

lljkk - also I feel I have less freedom because my mother has dementia and I'm left having to sort everything out!

Have you thought about fostering? The nation is crying out for good foster parents.

Fostering is certainly an option - but I'm a bit tied with the practicalities of my mum's dementia.

You've done it before and you will do it again, you will turn your life around. 6 months and you moved from entry to head office. You have a mum that helps you. Her dementia is properly shit. Even if you had siblings they may have not bern great, you just dont know. The guy thing wasnt meant to be. Money comes and goes. You lost so much weight before you can do it again.

Hang in there and keep plugging away. You are not what happened to you.

Work on yourself esteem and sense of shame as that seems like a running theme. Change the narrative about your story. You have been through SO much so forgive yourself as you have always dealt the best way you were able at that time. We all have ups and downs the important thing is to pick yourself up, learn and move on.

I don't know anyone that has lived a "perfect life" everybody has up & downs over time. That is also what makes life interesting.

I would suggest making a list of things that you want to do & ensure that you do them in the near & further future

Your comments about weight are uncomfortable to read. If you are unhappy with your weight, make some positive changes.
The best thing that anyone can wear at any age is their smile & their confidence !

You could try donor eggs abroad if that's where your heart truly lies, so you know you "tried"?

Thank you all - I really appreciate all your suggestions.

I feel a sense of guilt about this gorgeous guy as well - he really was a gem. I felt I let him down.

Where is this gorgeous guy now? Is he still around?

The other thing that I've learnt in life is that nobody is going to change your life for you

You have to make the changes yourself

My friend gave me a tip once - try it & if you don't like it, try something else

Babymamamama - unfortunately not - the contact petered out

The thing is I feel with hindsight my feelings around the year 2010 - at the age of 37 - I had an excellent opportunity. A lot of women by that age are worrying about their biological clock etc - we can all see that by the type of posts and threads that often appear here - however, there was I, a 37 year old who had wonderful social opportunities after years of loneliness /shame and trauma! However, by 2014 it had all slipped through my fingers! The sense of regret about this I have is a difficult thing to try and overcome

You have a mum that helps you

The only thing now is that she is now so riddled with dementia she no longer can, realistically