Married, but very poor sex life - frustrated

[Flower34]

I’m in late 30s. Married, 3 kids. In the last few months (or years??) our sex life has been very poor. I’m deeply frustrated and I don’t know what to do.

The 12yr old goes to bed around 9pm but doesn’t really sleep until 10-1030pm. We also have 5yr old twins. They share a room (we have 2 single beds in their room) but DS started sleeping in our bed last year when he was ill and it has now become permanent. Since last summer, I started sleeping in his room as it was getting too tight for 3 people.

My libido is crazy these days. DH is’nt bothered about sleeping separately. He sometimes asks if I want Sex and if I am not already asleep by then, we do it in the living room downstairs. It’s all done in 15-20 mins constantly worried the 12 yr old will walk in. I hate it. I really hate going down for it - it’s a mood killer. That too, we do it only once a month!!

I’m reasonably fit and attractive. I don’t know what the problem is. DH says I sleep too early. I sleep right after the kids sleep as I have to wake up at 5am for work on most days.

The 12 year old is going to BILs house for his cousin’s birthday dinner and games tonite ( BIL lives 5 mins away, DS is the only guest, they are playing some party games while social distancing in the garden. Pls don’t have a go at me for this). He’ll be back around 11pm. I was hoping for a good time today, but ended up arguing with DH over his shit show in everything (doesn’t do much housework etc). Obviously no sex tonite. I don’t want it. But I need a release.

Any thoughts on wtf (no pun intended) should I do?

[Elieza]

What notakwaysalondener said.

Sounds like you are at the beck and call of the kids continually. You should get them trained that you need alone time. It will be easier once the one that’s in your bed is out. You’re not doing him any favours. The longer he’s out his own bed the harder it will be to get him out. Fit the door lock first so he has to knock the door during the night if he needs you, at which point you can return him to bed, or you will wake up to a kid that’s sneaked in while youve been asleep....

[doughnutmuffin]

I agree with PP about getting your room back and a lock on the door.

Doesn’t great sex begin with loving conversations? Holding hands? Lots of kissing?
Um no not really, I mean sometimes! If that's what you want then you initiate it, hold his hand, kiss him or tell him want you want. Also if he initiates sex when he comes to bed then you initiate it when you're ready for bed, then if he doesn't want to go to sleep then let him go back downstairs.
Sex doesn't have to be 'romantic' to be good, there's plenty of other types of good sex!

[doughnutmuffin]

Just read about initiating it being a mood killer, however I know my husband prefers if I initiate it, possibly the fear of rejection? Plus it's obviously a turn on for him if you initiate it, the same way you would feel

[tara66]

Could you take a lover - any chance of that?

[Aquamarine1029]

I have to admit, I have a huge issue with initiating things myself. It’s a mood killer. I don’t feel “desired” when I have to ask.

It hasn't occurred to you that your husband feels the same way? Honestly, you're your own worst enemy in this situation. Your son has taken over your place in your bed, has for over a year, and yet you've made no effort to rectify that. Of course your sex life is going to completely tank. Having young children is hard enough on your sex life, but not even sharing a bed is the death knell. Not returning to your bed for so long has probably given your husband the impression you have no desire for him anymore.

[RumbaswithPumbaas]

It sounds like you have a lot going on, maybe when covid is over you might need some time away together to reconnect and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place? Even at normal times it’s easy to be colleagues in child rearing and paying the bills and forget who you are together. (Although I do agree with PP about trying to make more dedicated time together when you’re not stressed/anxious about being walked in on etc)

oh and maybe explain to him that finding someone else has washed up and emptied the dishwasher for once is a real aphrodisiac

[Teacaketotty]

It’s not fair you expect him to always initiate. Not all men want sex 24/7 and your DH deserves to be desired too.

It sounds like you have pretty high expectations when it comes to sex, without putting in the effort on your part.

[Aquamarine1029]

I always thought men want it 24/7 and mine turned out quite the opposite.

This is so ridiculous it's laughable. You sound like an immature school girl with no real knowledge of sex or relationships. Most men are not running around like horny beasts 24 hours a day.

[Lweji]

Of course you should initiate sometimes. Men also like to feel desired. And by initiating you can feel in control, which can be sexy and hot.

You don't need quiet moments to hold hands for a while, give a special smile, steal a hot kiss, or even just brush past each other.
Keeping a loving relationship throughout the day is just as much your responsibility as his.
Don't be afraid to call on mum and dad time or cuddle on the sofa. It doesn't have to be sexual, but it can be romantic and make the quick sex more special.

[EKGEMS]

Aquamarine1029 Wow that was an unnecessarily mean post-did you put another notch in your belt after composing that gem?

[VenusTiger]

OP it took me about 2 weeks to get my 6yr old son back into his own bed after a bout of sleepwalking which turned into a habit. He would always go to bed in his own bed, then when he came in, I would take him to the spare bed and cuddle him for an hour or so and then I would wake him and take him back to his own bed - i did this religiously until it just stuck and he only ever comes in now if he has a nightmare. YOU MUST PUT HIM TO BED IN HIS OWN BED AT FIRST if you want this to succeed. No telling him off either, it's kind of yours and DH's fault that this has become the norm.
Once this is sorted, your DH can come to bed (tv, tablet if he's not tired after), lock the door during sex as we do, unlock after.
Good luck!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Nothing wrong with a quickie and it doesn’t have to be 0-60, why not suggest it over breakfast then you can both think about it during the day and have something to look forward to.

I do think you’re being a bit unfair. You’ve given up your marital bed but complain you have to shag downstairs, you go to bed early but complain you’re having a quickie rather than swinging from the chandeliers, you don’t want to initiate anything but expect him to be on 24/7 and put the expectation on him.

What do you really want? I’m not clear on what you want and what you’re expecting from him and/or willing to do yourself to improve things. Of course you shouldn’t have a bloody affair. When do you think you’d fit a lover in around bedtime and getting to sleep yourself?

Invest in your marriage. Invest in your husband. You have to make an effort too.

[blueda]

You want it but do you show that you want it? You don't have to necessarily directly initiate, you could spend your whole day doing subtle things to show him you want it and make him horny and he'll be absolutely bursting by kids bed time. Could that happen OP? Me and DH have slept separate too since DD was born, actually a lot of parents sleep separate and it doesn't interfere with their sex life.

[Flower34]

I show I want it. In small ways. He gets it I guess. He texts me at around 11pm 3/4 times a week to check if I’m asleep, obviously I’m sleeping by then. It ends there.

I washed the bedding etc in preparation for moving DS2 into his own bed tonite. I really miss the spontaneous action. Absolutely hate the scheduled and planned quickie sessions.

No plans to have an affair! It just doesn’t sound exciting to me! I hope DH isn’t having an affair. I don’t know how he copes with very limited sex!

[Alb1]

You need to move your child back to their own room and make more effort yourself. You sleep in a different bed, you go to bed very early every night, you won’t initiate... that’s why I voted YABU. Sounds like your problems are larger than just the sex life which must be really difficult to deal with. Maybe have a proper talk with your DH about how you are both feeling and if it’s fixable?

[BarbedBloom]

I have always had a higher sex drive than any man I have dated. In fact I have had more sex in my relationships with women. I think this idea that men are always up for it while women must be persuaded is damaging to both sides. I felt the same as you when my first husband didn't want it much, I blamed myself. I didn't want to initiate as I felt like I was pestering him. It was one of the major reasons our marriage ended. Masturbation is fine to scratch an itch, but for me sex is what separates friendships from relationships. Not everyone feels that way which is okay, but I had to make a decision based on that.

Anyway, you need to get your little one back in bed. This can't go on really. In your situation those 15 minute quickies are your only option really. Kids will start going to bed later so you need a lock for your door.

[Lweji]

He texts me at around 11pm 3/4 times a week to check if I’m asleep

Don't you talk to each other?
Don't sit and watch tv for a bit occasionally?

[Fanthorpe]

Shower or bath together? Don’t give up, it’s so frustrating I know.

[dottiedodah]

I know this is a cliche, but could you arrange a night away together (after lockdown obv)! Children are a bit of a passion killer esp if you worry they are going to wake up! When DC are back at School ,could you maybe have a lunch date (at home is fine) and relax for an hour or so ,or go in to work late maybe ?It really is worthwhile trying to find a solution here as this can have a big effect on your marriage and your well being!

[Elieza]

Hope the new sleeping arrangements for dc go well tonight OP.