Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I share news of miscarriage with in laws if they didnt know I was pregnant in the first place?

46 replies

Craycray12 · 26/05/2020 18:58

Hi, I am currently 4months pregnant, with a much wanted baby. I have had a HORRENDOUS pregnancy so far with really severe sickness ( hyperemesis gravidarum) so chose not to share news of my pregnancy with anyone. A week ago I started having heavy bleeding and pains and had to go into hospital. It was at this stage I told my mum and siblings as they were worried sick about me. Doctors have told me my baby will not make it and only a matter of time before I miscarry.
Due to the nature of my problem I will be going into get induce sometime in the next week. Now I'm wondering if I need to share the news with my in laws?? I am not very close with them and they are unaware I am pregnant. Now that there will be no baby I wonder is there any point in even telling them??? My MIL share the news with everyone even if we ask her not to, so all close family and friends will end up knowing. I am struggling to get my head around losing my baby and really dont want to talk about it. Would you still tell? Do they need to know if there wont even be a baby anymore?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 26/05/2020 20:27

Depends how much extended family your mum has told. If it's going to get our better to get dh to tell them

FizzyGreenWater · 26/05/2020 20:30

Given what you say about how your husband feels I really really would not tell them.

You will be very fragile for some time to come and also angry, confused - a whole range of emotions.

If you know that your MIL will react/do things in the way that you don't want, then don't put her in that firing line. This goes for your DH too - he too will be feeling fragile, and if he sees his mother making it more difficult for you especially, but also him - it's a recipe for disaster.

If you know she can't and won't respect your wishes then really the kindest thing for all of you is to not tell her and not give her the opportunity to end up upsetting you at a time when it's hard to forgive and forget.

nanbread · 26/05/2020 20:30

I'm so sorry. Flowers

Honestly, based on my experience, I wouldn't tell them.

DH told my PILs that I was pregnant, under strict instructions not to tell anyone else, not their news to tell etc.

Sadly I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks.

Turns out that MIL had in fact told lots of her friends I was pg, meaning that she then had to un-tell them.

This meant when we next visited I had l people I barely knew and would never have shared that news with, offering sympathy for my loss and making the kind of crap comment no one wants to hear like "it wasn't meant to be" or "I'm sure you'll get pregnant again soon".

It was awful having it dragged up and having to pretend to virtual strangers that it was fine etc and made a crap situation even worse for me.

MUM2019MARVEL · 26/05/2020 20:47

I'm very sorry for your loss OP it's a very sad situation you find yourself in, in terms of telling people I'd say it depends on how close you are to in laws..but considering that they would probably tell people without your consent. No I wouldn't/you shouldn't. I made the mistake of telling my MIL (or rather fiance's mum) asked her not to tell anyone, broke down telling her how much of a failure I felt for it happening. Cut to two days later her mother (fiance's grandma) texting "I'm very sorry to hear of your loss I had the same thing happen to me when I was younger" :/ I have never forgiven her!..one piece of advice I'd give you at this moment..you can't control what people do with information, you can control the information you give them x

DyingfromHG · 26/05/2020 21:04

@mum2019marvel very good advice. Your right, once it's out theres no controlling what people do with the information.

And wow I'm shocked at some of your stories! Looks like theres alot of mils out there that dont know how to keep things to themselves and break peoples trust!

And I am truly and shocked and saddened for all you that had to hear the nasty, unsupportive comments too. It's already such a tough time

Allthebestusernameshavegone · 26/05/2020 21:26

I think it’s entirely up to you op and how you feel about it. I had 3 consecutive miscarriages before DS was born. The first time DH told his mother and she was lovely about it despite them not being overly close at the time. She sent me flowers and called regularly to check I was ok.
I can’t remember much about the other two and can’t remember if he mentioned them.
The thing is miscarriages are so personal. I’m of the opinion that they’re nothing to be ashamed about so I wasn’t overly bothered about who knew what and who told who. Each time I got pregnant I didn’t keep things overly quiet and I’ve always been open about the miscarriages which made them easier for me to deal with.
But it’s what’s best for you is all that matters

Allthebestusernameshavegone · 26/05/2020 21:26

Hope you’re ok op xxx

MUM2019MARVEL · 26/05/2020 21:55

@DyingfromHG Thank you..I think we learn the most from our worst experiences in life and miscarriage is one of the worst things a woman (and her partner) can go through :( (My MIL is a nightmare but I won't sully a thread this meaningful with my own drama).. I wish you all the best for yours and your partner's future OP..try to take some time for yourself and your family the last thing you need is people pestering you at a time like this anyway. Also try to stop worrying about who to tell, you will stress yourself out more and you don't need it..you shouldn't have to worry about what/who to tell.. be selfish for a while and look after number one x

AfterSchoolWorry · 26/05/2020 22:04

God no.

Original poster
Craycray12 · 26/05/2020 22:09

Thank you all. I'm also thinking, what about after.. I think we will want a burial, do we hold a funeral?? Do people do that? Would we need to tell people about it then? Sorry, such grim things to think about.

OP posts:
itssquidstella · 26/05/2020 22:16

I'm so sorry to hear this, op. Not quite the same but I've just found out I'm miscarrying for the second time (8 weeks this time, 6 weeks previously) and I've asked DP not to tell his parents. I'm happy for him to talk to friends and his brother because I know he needs moral support as much as I do, but i just have this visceral aversion to his parents knowing. I'm telling my mum tomorrow though - I have a feeling we're going to need help conceiving and it could be a longish process, so want to stop the "when am I going to be a grandma?" question she's so fond of posing!

I think if you want a funeral it complicates things a bit but it still comes down to what you're comfortable with.

DyingfromHG · 26/05/2020 22:29

@itssquidstella so sorry for your loss! A loss is devastating no matter how far along you were if the baby was wanted. Sad
I hope you are doing ok. Flowers

Original poster
Craycray12 · 27/05/2020 05:51

@nanbread I'm so sorry for your loss and that the mil made it worse. The reasons you stated is exactly why I dont want everyone knowing. I'm not ashamed of what has happened, I just dont want to talk about it with people who I would never have shared it with and that I'm not close to. In fact there are afew family friends of theirs whom i dislike and would never want them to know

OP posts:
Moogletea · 27/05/2020 17:28

Hi

Re funeral it is totally your choice. As the loss is before 24 weeks there is no legal requirement so you can chose whatever suits you You can conduct your own memorial in a way you feel fit or go to a funeral director for a formal service. In my experience families mark loss in many different ways. Some chose not to do anything. When you have a quiet moment think about what will give you comfort in the future x

MariaDingbat · 27/05/2020 17:51

I'm so sorry for your loss. I miscarried twice last year and did not want my MIL to know for the same reasons, she would have told everyone in DH's large extended family and then I would have to face their pitying looks and comments, which are so hard to deal with no matter how well intended they are. She would be no support to me and actually would have caused me more anxiety had she known. I'm now pregnant again and not even looking forward to telling her even if it's good news.

I hope you find a way to remember your baby that is meaningful for you. Mine were tested for genetic issues last year so we asked the hospital to cremate them (my mum was cremated) and my husband and I planted cherry trees in our garden to remember them by. There's no right or wrong way, just what feels right to you both.

zscaler · 27/05/2020 17:53

I am so, so sorry you are going through this Flowers

I wouldn’t tell them in your shoes. It doesn’t sound like your DH will be relying on their support, and you don’t need the added stress of worrying that they will tell others.

I hope you recover soon, and I hope you have all the love and support you need while you do.

Onemillion04 · 06/07/2020 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Skysblue · 06/07/2020 23:13

My friend had a miscarriage and her MIL knows about it. The MIL mentions it in passing at the oddest times even years later, which upsets my friend.

I wouldn’t tell the MIL.

Devlesko · 06/07/2020 23:19

I'm so sorry, buy yes you should tell them.
It's not fair to favour your parents over your partners. It could come out unintentionally and they'll be hurt you didn't tell them.

badg3r · 06/07/2020 23:26

I'm sorry you are going through this. If your DH isn't bothered I wouldn't tell them now. Maybe you will want to tell them later but you are grieving a loss and are allowed to put yourself first at this time.

EasterIssland · 06/07/2020 23:32

The op posted 2 months ago so not sure it’s the right time to bring this post back.

Sending you hugs op

New posts on this thread. Refresh page