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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that my DM is a raging alcoholic?

36 replies

MintyChapstick · 26/05/2020 18:43

Im currently in lockdown with my parents and have been since mid March. DM is in her mid 60's now and has always liked a drink. However its only since we've gone into lockdown and im at home with them all day everyday that the realisation has dawned on me how bad things have got. She drinks every single day, starting at about 3pm, even earlier on weekends and Bank Holidays and knocks back an astonishing ammount of alcohol. For example today alone she has drunk two small bottles of beer a whole bottle of prosseco to herself and has just cracked open a bottle of gin. She gets through two bottles of gin a week easily and god knows how many bottles of wine. It gives me hangover just thinking about it.

She's slurring most days by about 7pm and will be passed out on the sofa by 9pm. She's ballooned in weight over the last few weeks with a huge spare tyre appearing around her middle and seems genuinely confused as to why, because she's 'not eating that much' and is going out walking around the block most days. She also has dreadful breaths and smells weird if you stand to close to her.

It's very concerning obviously. DF has admitted to me he belives her to be an alcoholic and has resigned himself to it I think. But when I tentively suggested the other day that she was drinking too much and maybe a few days off we be helpful she jumped down my throat. We've got an awkward relationship and so its pretty hard to broach the subject without causing a row, and obviously being lockdown and not being able to go anywhere else im not wanting to rock the boat.

Apparently she's been like this for a 'while' according to DF, but she didn't used to start drinking till 5pm before lockdown, which isn't late either. I'm genuinely at a loss about what to do?

OP posts:
AranciaRosso · 26/05/2020 18:46

There's nothing you can do OP Sad - the only person who can fix it is your DM and it doesn't sound like she's ready to address the issue yet. Hell for you and DF living with it - I sympathise.

Wolfiefan · 26/05/2020 18:50

Of course she is.
You can’t change that.
Al Anon supports families.
Do you normally live with them? Can you make plans to get away?

GinGenie · 26/05/2020 18:52

I think the fact that she jumped down your throat when you bought it up may mean that the thought has crossed her mind too. My sympathies OP, shes going to need to be the one to fix this and if she wont acknowledge it, theres not much you can do except get support for you and your df 💐

Stuckforthefourthtime · 26/05/2020 18:53

Al-anon is good. Is she driving? That's the biggest danger you can mitigate, if she's an alcoholic in denial.

MintyChapstick · 26/05/2020 18:55

Im living here at the moment since I was furloughed right at the start of lockdown. Im not in any danger, she's not violent or anything like that but can be really obnoxious when drunk. I generally try and ignore it. DF goes and sits in another room as they have two TV's and I think she gets on his nerves.

Its just astonished how much she drinks! I don't know how she can fully function the next day, but she does. Up by 7am everyday, like a lark.

OP posts:
pointythings · 26/05/2020 18:56

You can't help her. Nor can your DF - the only person who can deal with her addiction is her.

Al-Anon is for families of alcoholics, not alcoholics themselves - that's AA. You and your DF may benefit from Al-Anon or a similar support group.

Is the smell similar to pear drops/nail polish remover? If so, that's down to alcohol related dehydration and it means she's already in a bad way.

All you can do is detach, take care of yourself and support your DF. Alcohol addiction makes everyone involved powerless.

MintyChapstick · 26/05/2020 18:57

Yes, she driving but only to the shops during the day. Way before she's had a drink.

With hindsight she's had a problem for years. So many family parties, weddings even funerals where she's got hammered and fallen over or made some kind of scene. All the pieces falling into place.

OP posts:
MintyChapstick · 26/05/2020 18:59

Is the smell similar to pear drops/nail polish remover? If so, that's down to alcohol related dehydration and it means she's already in a bad way.

Im not sure really? Its a distinct smell though, and I had thought it were down to lax personal hygiene to begin with.

OP posts:
Onekidnoclue · 26/05/2020 18:59

I know people like this. It’s truly incredible how much some people can drink.
I agree with PP. stop her driving while sloshed but otherwise it’s up to her unless you and your dad would consider a mega intervention-which would be super cringe and may not work!

TheHighestSardine · 26/05/2020 19:01

The swelling is likely to be ascites, massive fluid retention, and means parts of her are packing up due to the alcohol abuse.

She needs full on intervention or she'll be in hospital, and being in hospital is not a great place to be right now.

But she probably won't take it at all well. The alcohol will have it's grip on her and she'll be in full denial about it.

Call your GP (or check their website) and ask how to contact the alcohol and drug addiction support team. They'll be able to give you far better advice than we will.

picklemewalnuts · 26/05/2020 19:03

She'll obviously be over the limit next day when she drives. It may be worth mentioning to her, from the point of view of consequences if she gets into a minor prang. I don't believe she's necessarily a dangerous driver- my understanding is that at this point she's likely to function better at that level than dry.

sqirrelfriends · 26/05/2020 19:07

*Yes, she driving but only to the shops during the day. Way before she's had a drink
*
She may still be over the limit OP, I think I heard it takes an hour for your body to process one unit and by the sounds of it she's having 14 a day before she even hits the Gin. She probably doesn't get hangovers because her body is still processing the alcohol from the day before when she starts drinking again, kind of like hair of the dog, but perpetually.

MintyChapstick · 26/05/2020 19:07

Oh she won't take it well, she'd hit the roof if anyone ever suggested she had a problem. Her favourite saying is 'I'd could stop tomorrow if I wanted to', but I don't think she wants to and even if she did I don't think she could.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 26/05/2020 19:10

My mum is exavtly the same, has been for many years. She was especially horrific going through the menopause. Better now behaviour wise but still is ragingly alcohol dependant. Tried to tell her a few times, she cries and rages and nothing changes.

HappyHammy · 26/05/2020 19:13

The tummy swelling and sweet smell could be caused by her liver failing. Is she at all yellow or looks top heavy spindly on her legs. She needs medical help but if she doesnt accept she has a problem you cannot do much until she becomes really poorly and needs hospital. With the driving you can call the police if you feel she is over the limit or take the carkeys away. Whose car is it.

JudyCoolibar · 26/05/2020 19:15

If she says she can stop tomorrow, take her up on it; say that if she doesn't want people to think she has a problem, lay off it just for a week. When she won't, say "Fine, so admit you have a problem" - and make it clear that you see through all the excuses.

Etinox · 26/05/2020 19:15

What would happen if you said, ‘why don’t you then?’ When she says she could stop. PP are right when they say she’ll only stop when and if she wants to, but telling her how she’s affecting you could be the wake up call she needs. Flowers

MintyChapstick · 26/05/2020 19:16

She's not yellow, but she has always carried weight around her middle so its hard to know if this just general weight gain or something more sinister. It looks more like flab to be honest, although I might be wrong.

OP posts:
pointythings · 26/05/2020 19:16

You have my every sympathy, OP. As does your DS. My late husband was an alcoholic, as was my late DM. It didn't end well for either of them. Living with my H was very, very hard - he had no insight and he ended up losing everything - marriage, kids, house, job, life. DDs and I are still recovering from everything that happened 2 years on.

My DM took to drinking after my DF was diagnosed with dementia, but it takes less time to do the damage in older people. With her, I honestly believe it was a form of slow suicide - she couldn't live without my dad.

Wolfiefan · 26/05/2020 19:18

She doesn’t have to have a drink before she drives to be over the limit.
And she doesn’t seem hungover? Thats because this isn’t new. She has drunk far too much for a long time. She’s built up a tolerance.
Can you really not go back to where you normally live?

Graphista · 26/05/2020 19:25

Her driving is not safe she will still be over the limit and other effects of alcoholism make her not safe to drive.

If she does smell of pear drops/acetone it's not simple dehydration but ketoacidosis which can lead to symptoms of fatigue, confusion and even passing out - I repeat she is not safe to drive she needs her keys taken off her if she won't agree to stop to protect others as well as herself.

She may have made herself diabetic, people are familiar with alcoholism damaging liver but actually it screws up all organs and systems especially long term which it sounds like is the case this included the pancreas.

She needs to see a dr to be assessed for diabetes and other damage - the quickly swelling stomach could be something more serious than calorific weight gain - but unfortunately you cannot force her.

Addiction is impossible to change except by the addict and even then only if they really want to change.

I am related to many addicts inc several alcoholics so I really do know what I'm talking about. Some of them have achieved a level of recovery, some of them no longer drink but are still addicts (see "dry drunk") and some are still drinking.

Get support for you and Df but there really is nothing you can do to stop her drinking until/unless she wants to

I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility she has already made herself very ill physically with her level of consumption.

MintyChapstick · 26/05/2020 19:28

A few times I will say 'well stop then' and I either don't get an answer or she becomes defensive, she seems to lack all self awareness when it comes to how she's seen by family friends. Who to be frank I think see her as a bit of a jolly pisshead who they like to laugh at.

She also avoids the Doctors. She's not seen a GP in years, the last time she went was for an allergy and the GP wanted her to go for a blood test just because they'd not seen her for a long time. She didnt go to the blood test because she didn't think there was anything wrong with her and as far as im aware the surgery never chased it up.

OP posts:
Silversun83 · 26/05/2020 19:28

YANBU - my parents were/are the same. Tried to get them to stop throughout my teen years, then eventually moved out and washed my hands of them. My mum was a mellow if obnoxious (definitely get that!) drunk however my father was a spiteful, angry, abusive one.

My mum died last year age 70 - had had dementia for past 10 years or so. She had heart disease and it was vascular but I don't doubt that the alcohol played a role.

Now low-contact with my dad.

Second those asking if you can move back out? Flowers

PotteringAlong · 26/05/2020 19:31

You could call the police when she’s out and report her for drink driving.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 26/05/2020 19:36

Yes, she driving but only to the shops during the day. Way before she's had a drink

Way before you think she's had a drink... And even if she truly doesn't start until afternoon, like others say she's quite likely to be over the limit. Can you get a home breathalyser to test her one day before driving? Not to catch her out but to be clear that she can choose to.drink but not to endanger others.

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