Have you ever been through a hardship which helped you avoid another maybe even bigger hardship?

[hindsightz]

Sorry if it doesn't make sense.
NC (pre Sistine screamer and Mexican house thief).

I wondered if anyone else has been through something similar before.
We went through a horrific time about 4 years ago which dragged itself out for months and months and we are now out on the other side settled and just about OK.
I have never been through something so hard and upsetting before and I thought I'd be forever resentful for having to go through it.

I have recently realised that the experience has actually allowed me to put some healthy distance between me and my functioning alcoholic parents who (at the time weren't alcoholics/it wasn't so obvious) I had a very FOG based relationship with and who would've had a much bigger influence over my now 6 year old DC.
I was completely blind to it at the time but they got slightly obsessed with me having a baby, they were early 40s and unbeknown to me actually thought about trying for another baby until I announced my pregnancy. DF told my DH that because my DM is so young she'll be more like a second mum to our baby rather than a grandma, they thought I would run to them with everything and need lots of support (which I didn't) and probably that they'd get to have a second go at raising a baby as they had DCs young and unplanned and kind of muddled through it without having much time to enjoy it. DM would give me crazy OTT name ideas, DF would say how we would leave baby with them for sleepovers a lot and how they would show us how to do it all with this air of "parents nowadays are so OTT" and basically acting as if we would need lots of help and wouldn't be able to cope and trying to have lots of input in things we decided. There was also some boundary trampling once DC was here, laughing at a bedtime routine, guilt tripping and other issues which again I was rather blind to as it was always my "normal" but that didn't last long due to situation I mentioned at the beginning of my post.

So basically my unexpected silver lining of going through a horrid time is realising I had a unhealthy FOG relationship with my parents, realising and accepting they have an alcohol problem, setting boundaries in place and creating some distance so I could think for myself for once. It's crazy to think that if we haven't gone through what we did I would've carried on in this FOG cycle, let my parents have lots of influence over my DC and how me and DH chose to parent and our relationship would have most likely been seriously strained by this point.

Anyone else had some surprise silver lining / "can't believe we could've lived like this if it wasn't for this event" moment?

I’ve been through a big break up that is still very hard. Not because I still want to be with him but because he hasn’t taken it very well. This break up means I avoid a lifetime of unbearable sadness. This stage of my life will pass, and I will come out the other side. At least when I am older I won’t look back on my life full of regret.

Mine was that DC2 was dangerously ill for many years and we had severely disrupted night for at least eight years. My parents, who lived nearby, didn't help at all, barely saw DC but would ring to tell us all about the wonderufl parties they'd been to. It made me reassess my relationship with them.

It was horrendously tough at the time, but great things happened as a result: DH became a really hands-on dad and has split parenting 50/50 ever since. It strengthened our relationship - we bonded in adversity. And now my parents are old and very needy (and really horrible) I don't feel guilty maintaining a healthy distance. I do my bit but I would have been run ragged by them now if they had been more sympathetic when we were struggling. Silver linings.

You will come out the other side @funinthesun19  well done.

@monkeyonthetable silver linings indeed .

I distanced myself from some toxic family five years ago after a really upsetting Christmas full of snide remarks and constant put downs.
At first, I was seen as the 'problem', for 'taking things too seriously', 'they were only joking'. You know the line that's spun.
Anyway, I just couldn't face any more of their passive aggressive hostility and that following year I avoided all sorts of family events until six months ago when reluctantly, I attended a family christening in Aberdeen.
Complete turn about.
They were polite, wary, respectful and pleased to see me. I was completely floored, expecting more of the usual behaviour.
What I learned from all of that was self respect.
If you don't have self respect, if you don't maintain personal boundaries no one else will do it for you.

Thing is, we can’t know what would have happened if events / experiences had been different. That’s not to say that it’s not useful/positive to identify “silver linings”.

I “burnt out” at work in my early 20s after working v long hours in a stressful environment, and was unwell MH wise. Also have a longstanding MH issue that sometimes affects me for periods of time. Think this helped me to understand my limits and preferences, and to avoid prioritising work to the extent that it negatively affects my relationships and health. So I probably have a better work/life balance than I otherwise might, and I think some friends/family members do.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 38. Ten years later I find I have a rare genetic mutation which predisposes me to BC. I chose to have preventative double mastectomy to reduce my chances to 95% of it not coming back. I also chose not to have reconstruction as the annual scans gave me too much anxiety. I haven't regretted my decision.

Oh yes! I finally ended a friendship which was very toxic. She fits a lot of the criteria of a narcissist. When she started on my child, that was the end. I gave her far too much leeway in the past when she was nasty to me because she had had (and was having) a hard life.

Since then I have spotted and swerved two women who were exactly the same. They both would have been nightmares. I am grateful I learnt what these types look like and that I am "allowed" to get the fuck away from them. (Obviously, I am still attracting them somehow but it's a work in progress!)

@ButEmilylovedhim - that's a really good point. I realised my father is actually a medically diagnosable narcissist - not a self-absorbed person but a seriously damaged one. And I can now spot it a mile off in other people. I too swerve some veyr dynamic (and always oh so popular - just like my dad) people because I know that unless you are an acolyte to their Me Show you fail to register as human. It shocks me how many people like this I used to attract/be attracted to in life but now I'm obver them. I really need and want to meet some sane, kind empaths to befriend.

I walked out on the love of my life- for the greater good.

It was like walking over burning coals.

10 years ago I left my abusive ex. I left with the clothes on my back and that was it. I had a hellish two years before I got back on my feet, financially I was ruined, and I was emotionally and physically battered.

It was worth every heartbreaking second of those years when I realised I was free of him and my life was so completely different.