PIL Joining Honeymoon

[Catladiesaremyheroes]

This happened more than a decade ago. Hope he all will forgive me, but it’s haunted me for quite some time. Long one..., pull up your chairs, all welcome.

We got married in a very organised way. Both sets of parents met at ours to discuss the wedding. Unfortunately,, meeting was crashed by two SILs and two BILs (I’m an only child). No biggie from my perspective, we’ve lived together for ages, so the more the merrier, looking forward to a big party atmosphere all round.

We will be paying for the wedding, so should be an easy going pre nuptial meeting, right?

Anyways, to cut a long long story short, my mum and dad ask at this meeting, what they could give us as a wedding present. They love me to bits, love my partner too, and so want to make something matter as a present. The then DP parents have e an idea for both sets of parents to contribute equally to our honeymoon, to be announced at the wedding as a gift, from both parents.

Everyone in the family knows how much I love Cornwall. It’s always my go to destination. So my future PIL book and equally share the cost with my parents, of a holiday house there for two weeks, I cannot believe it. We both work full time, paying off student debt and mortgage so a two week holiday is the best gift ever.

Wedding was great. Everything lovely and as planned. We have all the booking details of the holiday home and decide to go there the day after the booking Is made (confirmation email, all good). Still can’t believe the parents have stumped up the cost of this!!!). Never been so excited!

Get there, car full of clothes, food and lovely bubbly presents from the wedding. I’m thinking as we pull up that this must be the wrong address as the house seems occupied.

We are sitting in our car, scratching our heads, when my MIL appears. Shouts at us to get a move on as they’re putting on a movie. We get out of the car, and it’s like a scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. All of my DHs family are there. For a moment I think they’re there to welcome us.
But no. My PIL have used the money my parents have innocently given them to book a four bed house. Bedroom for us, one for PIL, and both SIL with a bedroom for them, husbands and two kids each.
Yes, all this for our honeymoon, jointly paid for by my parents.

The house seemed full, really full, what with kids toys, blankets, etc. Bathrooms covered in kids bath equipment . Absolutely nothing romantic.

I felt overwhelmed and hid in our allocated bedroom (I later found out that one of the SIL had taken the “master” bedroom with the en-suite).

It’s literally years later. Many, many issues and water under the bridge.

My mom died recently. Not unexpectedly, but so so so hard.
One of our conversations resulted in her. questioning why I had my in laws on honeymoon, and not her? She always felt super close and it troubled her that they half paid for a holiday for the in laws and it irked her greatly over the years.

Now it irks me more than it did then.

Was it crazy. I hated the in laws crashing our honeymoon. The only comment from my husband was that the house was paid for the two weeks anyhow, and didn’t see a problem.

AIBU, regardless of my mom’s recent passing, to feel newly aggrieved at the cheek of them crashing our honeymoon.

And a big thank you for reaching the end of this humongous post.

I am aghast at your In-laws behaviour. I think this is worse than the Mexican house thief.

I'm not surprised you left that DH. What a pathetic excuse for an adult. That family sounds absolutely insane.

Are they insane grandparents to your DC? They must still be in your business via the children?

I'm so sorry about your Mum OP. I can see how this might have dragged up old wounds or even regrets for you, but know that your CF in-laws outrageous behaviour is no reflection on you or your relationship with your mum. I'm sure she wouldn't want you worrying about it.

You did the best you could at the time. Don't listen to other posters calling you soft for not storming off. It's much easier said than done and we've conditioned our whole lives not to break the peace or be 'rude' or ungrateful. It's not your fault, it is theirs and your DH's for putting you in such a position in the first place. Who should have to fight battles on their honeymoon?!

I'm so sorry OP. I hope this thread is cathartic for you.

To find out your mum had been screwed over is bad enough but for it to be general and accepted knowledge that your husband's family had done it? That would have been curtains.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you can go nuts churning over what you should have done or said. You can't change the past but you can change the future. Think about that. You can change the future to something where family means something and spouses have one another's backs.
Sorry about your mum x

I can certainly understand why nothing was said at the time. I was a people pleaser, and vulnerable to ex and all his crap. I'd have at that time gone along with everything so as to not rock the boat.

Now, though, it's a different matter. But then? yes, I can see how it happened.

And I agree, your mum would have been so happy when you left your DH. Mine was, she actually cried. Mind you, I didn't tell her the full extent of the abuse.

So did they used your parents money to fund a family holiday your parents weren’t even invited to? How did you sit back and not demand their money back and let this happen? I couldn’t have looked at myself in the mirror waking up each morning on holiday letting that happen like .

It’s a good lesson to speak up about is bothering us!
If only your mum has said years ago: hey, I’m hurt that I wasn’t invited on your honeymoon and PIL were, though honestly I’m not sure why either of would be?!
And you’d have vented at your mum and she’d have backed up your thinking then, that it wasn’t in any way normal.

I’m glad she - and you - have got it off your chest.

So you went along with apparently being ambushed on honeymoon, didn't mention this to your mum and post about it 10 years later? Okaaaay.

You must be very patient person, I would have been incandescent with rage and thrown a big strop

Your inlaws took your parents' money to give themselves a holiday.

I would have been furious. And not stayed. And demanded they pay my parents back.

At least your rid of them all now. I hope you explained it to your mum when she asked in the end. How awful she felt like that for so long and also felt she couldn't say anything.

Hopefully you are rid of them and that spineless wimp of your husband. Truly horrible that your mum felt bad about this for so long.

This is the most outrageous PIL story I have ever heard.

I'm speechless.

It is clearly still bugging you. If I were you (but I find it hard to let sleeping dogs lie), I would write to them and spell out what a horrible honeymoon you had, and how bad you feel that your parents were treated so badly.

I would also ask for the money back either to give to your dad or donate to a charity your mum wouldve approved of.

I fully expect they wont pay it back but you never know.

It would give me some satisfaction them knowing how I felt, I hate when people 'awkward' others into situations knowing they will get away with it.

Weird, I’d have gone crazy!

So sorry for your loss.
Your PIL are awful. Thank goodness they're in the past.

YANBU, absolutely appalling behaviour. I can't believe not one of them said "this isn't on". Crashing a holiday would be bad enough, but your honeymoon? That your parents had paid for too, with no warning? Unbelievable. Glad you are shot of them all. Well done!
Out of interest, did they gategrash their other kids' honeymoons too, or was your DH just the easiest target?

I’m sorry for your loss. I would have been upset to learn that it had been on my mum’s mind for so many years and never spoken about! That itself would be worse than the original honeymoon hijack. I hope you won’t keep feeling bad about it being something that’s hurt your mum for years on end, rather it probably was a niggling question that she wanted an answer to, and some closure.

Families are sometimes strange and have their quirks. Some are close knit and extremely relaxed with boundaries - if he was brought up in that environment, the oversharing would have been normal (as you pointed out other examples in subsequent posts). You were probably young, easygoing and trying to be nice which is why you did not do anything to upset others. With age and experience I guess the skin gets thicker, patience wears thinner and fewer fucks are given. :0)

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.

What's mind boggling is this wasnt just the PIL but an entire SIX ADULTS who didn't think this was a horrible idea. Awful fuckers.

There are some absolutely mental in laws about there who see the daughter in law as simply an appliance being delivered to the family, without thoughts, feelings or opinions of her own.

Even my relatively lovely MIL is like this. She's already excitedly planning her theoretical social bubbles as if I have no family of my own to see.

Fortunately for us, I am older and more assertive than the OP, and my husband is firm with his mum too - he actually refused to live too near to them otherwise we'd never see the back of her. (and yes, it's entirely his mum - he's already witnessed his dad's side of the family entirely pushed out of their lives)

My in laws are overbearing and act as if my family don't exist, or at best are of very secondary importance. My MIL threw a wobbler last year because we dared go on holiday with one of my siblings and my teenage children posted on social media about how much fun they were having with their cousins. Apparently only her other grandchildren count as cousins.
But even they would not have turned up on our honeymoon. It is absolutely outrageous and I think I would have left and found a B&B.
But the problem you have is that it is so long ago now. You can't put it right, and nor could they even if they wanted to. Although it is perfectly understandable that you are still angry, its not something you can change so I would suggest you try to learn from it and put it behind you. I know that is far easier said than done, and there are still things that my ILs have done/do that make me very angry, but I have learned not to sweat the small stuff (well, not too much!) but to firmly stand my ground on important matters.

Sadly, I don't think this is fake*
There are some absolutely mental in laws about there who see the daughter in law as simply an appliance being delivered to the family, without thoughts, feelings or opinions of her own*.

This is SO true. I remember being told I would look after all the family kids at a family members wedding in the crèche their were going to create in a hotel room, because "well, it's MY family Ygritte, it's not as important for you to be around". There's a certain type of person who never quite understands that their first responsibility is to their spouse now and will always join in on the in laws side. I well remember catching my ex H rolling his eyes at his parents when I refused to do some ridiculous thing they'd told me would be happening and how I had a reputation for being awkward and belligerent because I wouldn't go along with their unsuitable plans which would involve more work and inconvenience for me than anyone else. His Mum was a doormat who thought I should be too. So glad to be out of that!

So much drip feeding, and nothing makes sense because of the OP’s weird coyness. Enjoy yourselves with this one. I’m out.

I have now read everything.

Do we actually know the parents contribution didn't just cover the cost of the op's share? Abd pil paid for other 3?

I'd find it odd that there was zero interest in what was booked and 4 beds must cost a bomb compared to a 1 bed honeymooners type cottage.

This is the sort of stunt my ex mil would have pulled...

@Blingloving ‘This behaviour is so not normal that only people who are completely comfortable gaslighting and emotionally abusing someone would even consider it. I would be fascinated to know if the partners of your various SILs and BILs are in a similar boat to you and/or have escaped’

My thoughts exactly. This is the scenario with my in-laws. I managed to stand my ground and erect a ‘fence’ so to speak..but my predictions on the sibling marriages are holding true. One has already been driven away, and the other is hanging by a thread. Sadly this appalling, intrusive behaviour is more common than it should ever be.

Lots of this story doesn’t make sense at all.

OP not come back

Do we actually know the parents contribution didn't just cover the cost of the op's share? Abd pil paid for other 3?

I don't think this actually matters. The gift from OP's parents was to pay for a honeymoon for the married couple and them alone. The actual holiday was not a honeymoon, it was an extended family holiday. So the minute OP's parents' money was misused, it was theft.

But in any case, from the OP's first post, it is not the money as such that hurt her mother, but the fact that she thought the OP had been part of the plan for this to be a holiday for extended family, a holiday that OP's mum and dad had not been invited to.

Even if the OP was confused and embarrassed by her H and his family's behaviour, I don't understand why this prevented her having a conversation about it with her own parents at the time of, or straight after, the holiday. She must have known details of the holiday would come out and her parents would be wondering WTF. As a simple and polite courtesy, she should have explained to them what happened, and made it clear she wasn't part of a plan to deceive or exclude them. If she was close to her mum, why they didn't sit down over tea and have a cry/belly laugh over the situation doesn't compute.