AIBU - brother breaking lockdown

[csa26]

My brother lives with us; he, my husband and I all bought our house together. He has Asperger’s.

He drinks quite a lot. At one point he was drinking over 70 units a week. He isn’t counting it at the moment so I don’t know how much he’s drinking currently. Occasionally he’ll decide to stop eg for Lent but it only lasts for a couple of days. Most summers he volunteers for a week at a residential youth project and he does manage not drinking there as it’s a dry site.

Yesterday he went off to meet a friend in a park. My husband asked him via Whatsapp if he was breaking the rules and he said “just meeting up in a park like we’re allowed too”. I immediately predicted that what would in fact happen is that he would end up staying over with his friend because he would drink too much to cycle home.

Half past ten last night, brother calls to ask if I mind him staying over. He said the reason he called is that my husband and I both have underlying health conditions (we’re still pretty low risk tbh). I told him that in addition I have just paid £3k for medical treatment (IVF but I don’t see why I should have to tell him that) which will be cancelled, possibly without refund, if I get any virus in the next few weeks. I said I couldn’t see any compelling reason to stay over (to give him credit he hadn’t already drunk too much to come home at that point) but I refused to be the person making his moral decisions for him.

My mum says I should just have told him that I minded, which is what he was ringing to find out. I’ve told her he had plenty of information to reach his own decision and I am not being forced into the role of person who spoils all his fun.

This isn’t the first time I’ve found living with him frustrating but I’m not sure how relevant everything else is.

So AIBU? Yes - I should have just told him to come home. No - he’s a grownup who ought to be able to figure these things out for himself. And if IANBU, how do I deal with it? Our Grandfather was an alcoholic and I’m not comfortable with my son (nearly 3) possibly growing up with one.

Okay so just heard my brother’s alarm going off and he’s in his bed and I feel like a twat. No idea when he got home though. It certainly wasn’t before 1am.

Yes, you should have just said you did mind. Dont fanny around. Be straight. It's much simpler that way.

Good .
Once this is over, you might have to change this arrangement. This is only going to cause more stress and is unlikely to change.
And as for breaching lockdown rules ... WTF . He has Aspergers , he has a get out of jail free card according to DC , BJ et al.

Your mum is right. He asked you a straight question and you refused to simply answer it. That just complicates things.

He has Asperger's. He asked. He cannot read the subtext.

I don't understand why you'd have an issue re sharing the info about your pending ivf either, as moving forward, you'll possibly need for him to understand what will most likely be a turbulent period both in terms of drugs, the physical and emotional side effects/mood swings, then if not pregnant or are pregnant the issues this will bring (I had fertility treatment and strongly believe that you shouldn't be in the same household without him being aware).

Thanks for responses guys. I guess I just feel I’m constantly being put in the role of responsible adult, who tells him what he can and can’t do.

Thinking about it this morning, I’ve understood that what upset me was being put on the spot like that. If my brother wants to form a bubble with this one particular friend and only see him, and that friend also agrees not to see anybody else, and makes that decision rationally beforehand, I wouldn’t mind (although I do think if he did that it would be better to do it with someone we all might see eg my parents). It’s being called late in the evening when his judgement is already impaired, and being expected to be the party pooper.

I’m going to explain this to him later today, and also encourage him to start recording his drinking again as I’m pretty sure he’s drinking as much now as he was when he last monitored it.