Who is wrong- me or DP?

[kylita]

A few weeks ago I caught DP doing something which meant he'd been lying and deceiving me for years - a lot would class it as cheating online (festish sites etc) but I decided I could get past it given that it was neither physical or emotional (cyber infidelity). He did become very transparent and told me everything. However, I had an inkling of the lies for years and he made me feel crazy and often said I was off the mark. A lot of things I was wrong about but that's because I knew there was something so I couldn't figure out what the deceit was.

Anyway - in order to actually attempt to forgive and move on I said I wanted to attempt counselling and work on our relationship. DP has been good until his friends said in August they want to go for a UK holiday together.

I have taken the whole of August off work (they want us to use annual leave and I wanted a break) and DP is also off work - I did this with him knowing it was to work on us and go on some trips if coronavirus allows.

He has lost his temper now. He sees it as me restricting and controlling him - I think it's just the right thing to do. He can go for a weekend with them another time, not when I've purposefully taken time off to work on our relationship.

So who is BU?

Your relationship seems like it's not working.

He's looking for sexual fulfillment elsewhere.

You want to spend free time time together, he wants to spend free time apart.

I'd move in if I were you OP.

He's a liar who deliberately made you doubt your sanity to avoid confessing his cheating.

You can do better.

Move on, not move in!

Move on OP.

He's been messing with your head for years.

Raise your relationship bar.

He's not worth counselling.

You deserve better.

Stop fighting so hard for something that isn't working.

The reality is he hasn't been as committed to the relationship as you are until the point you found out.

And he still isn't as committed to the relationship as you are since you found out.

Love isn't enough.

He didn't want it to work enough or keep you secure enough to not lie and do the whole making you feel crazy / calling you crazy in the past.

He doesn't want it to work enough to sacrifice a holiday with his mates.

This relationship has run its course.

Sorry you've found yourself living with such a twat!

He's getting sexual gratification elsewhere, he's gaslighted you for years, making you doubt yourself/your own instincts (and I think that's one of the worst things someone can do actually).

Now he has the opportunity to mend bridges he wants to be off with his mates (how sure are you this isn't to indulge in his fettush?)

I know it's much easier outside looking in, but why are you with him?

If you're going to say because you love him- think first. Love is a choice. Do you live who you thought he was or who he actually was.

How old are you? Any kids involved?

Op, If you don’t share children, please stop working this hard. My xh’s last guys trip was actually the final nail in the coffin for our marriage. I even tried to be understanding about his desire to spend New Years partying with his friends, but during the trip I decided to visit family and realized just how screwed up his priorities were.

He's lied to you for a long time. Now he's pissed off cos he's not going to have an opportunity to do things in secret. Get rid.

You're off for the whole month and he wants to go away for a weekend? I don't see the problem with that tbh, but the rest of it sounds crap for you

He’s cheated, it’s up to you to accept and forgive or not

A month off to work on your relationship seems a bit like too much pressure to me, shouldn’t you be working on it every day, and with life’s normal struggles. I get having a couple of weeks holiday. But a month where you’re only allowed to spend time working on your relationship would have me running for the hills.

He he you doubting your sanity, made you think you were crazy?

Why do you want so desperately to cling to this vile man?

Not sure that counselling will be terribly helpful if he has a history of gaslighting you. If it's been going on for years I doubt he's going to change now and judging by the fact he isn't prioritising your relationship, it doesn't look like he wants to.

He doesnt want to spend time with you working things out so you have your answer there.

It shouldn't be this hard.

Every relationship runs it's course

You should cut your losses

Cut your losses.

You allow him to mess with your head ? He will never ever change

Your partner has lots of priorities and you're not one of them.

Get rid.

If you are telling him he can't go away for one weekend because you've got the whole month off, you are definite unreasonable.

What has happened in the past has nothing to do with this. You should spend quality time together to make the relationship work but preventing one to spend some time away with friends or familyy is controlling.

Some relationships are not worth fighting for - this sounds like one of them.

How long is the UK holiday?

I actually think that would be a good idea. Especially, if you are thinking of attending counselling at the time. Time apart can be good when counselling and distractions can help. Spending an entire month together, whilst counselling could be very intense.

I also don't think that saying you want to work on it but he has to only do things with you, will help.

That said, i wouldn't accept the other stuff. But you have. If that's what you want, thats up to you. But telling him he can't go away with friends, can't have a life away from you wont help. And you sound like you only trust him, of you know where he is and what he is upto. Thats not trust.

If you are telling him he can't go away for one weekend because you've got the whole month off, you are definite unreasonable

^ I agree YABU

If you are telling him he can't go away for one weekend because you've got the whole month off, you are definite unreasonable

I also agree with this.

It doesn’t sound like a relationship you should be in, nut that aside, you are wrong for telling him he can’t go away for one weekend because you have a month off work.

I suppose you're right.
It is obvious I'm not his priority.

The month off was booked before as we were going away, we had discussed adjusting this to where ever we are allowed in Corona times and to do a road trip. It's the only real time we can do anything because of DPs work. I asked if he would consider moving his friends trip to September. It's camping which he hates and wouldn't want to do anyway...

No kids, but we just moved house and I am very angry at the financial burden he has put me under whilst knowing what he's done. The house is very expensive, neither can afford it alone (if mortgage was changed, we'd manage individually the payments) and we would lose money if we attempted to re sell (literally bought at the end of March)

Honestly, he’s just not into you anymore. I know it hard to accept but if he really loved and respected you, he wouldn’t be having relationships with other women online.

Respect yourself and be the one to end it

Forget him.

Focus on your finances and exactly what your options are, and how quickly you can lose this waster.