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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stuck with his family

15 replies

Alanares89 · 23/05/2020 20:53

Hi there
I don’t know if I’m coming across as controlling or just bitchy but I really don’t know what to do.
Me and my boyfriend and our son were privately renting a flat which was a fortune so my Boyfriends family offered us to come to theirs to stay rent free until we got enough saved for a mortgage. I’ve always had a good relationship with them and they adore our son and they also helped when I was at work so it was perfect. However. lol now I’m 6 months in and I am at breaking point!
My boyfriends 28 year old brother stays at home aswell, he also has a bit off a drink habit and spends all his money on drink, He’s a recluse and not worked in about a year) he’s depressed which I have a lot off sympathy for and I’ve lent an ear a few times over the years trying to help in whatever way I can, however it’s really grating on me that he never helps with anything, never cooks,never tidys, he’s recently signed on for some sort off money from the gov (got a lot backdated) yet he’s never offered to pay for food, or even contribute towards the take out. It all seems petty since me and my bf are living there rent free, all I do is clean and cook and clean up for everyone else now but surely everyone should help?
My MIL also stays in bed until 4:30pm and has been drinking most nights since lockdown! ( she did drink before all this but I never knew how much ) I’m WFH now until 3:30 so she doesn’t help me out! She doesn’t work but my father in law does so when my partner also works I’m struggling! Aldi
Me and my boyfriend are the only ones that have bought food in about 2 months and now I’m buying for a family off 5 and a toddler.
When it comes to take away I’m also obliged to get the whole family food, yet the brother always asks for his own curry (never shares to keep costs down) and the mother in law always wants food she barley eats!

I’ve not said anything because my bf said it’s nothing to do with me how they live their life but I’m someone who always wants to be straight with someone and not be false which I feel I have been.

I want them to stop drinking all the time, or even help with the contribution towards the food. Am I being unreasonable?

Gaaaahd it feels good to vent!
Xoxo

OP posts:

Idododoidadada · 23/05/2020 21:18

Move out

Original poster

Alanares89 · 23/05/2020 21:20

Once lockdown and normality regains, I will! But until that day comes, I’m stuck

OP posts:

BecomingMe · 23/05/2020 21:22

You can’t expect them not to drink in their own home and if they want to laze around in bed that’s up to them.

Re the food and takeaway, you said it yourself - you live there rent free so it could be seen as your contribution.

MyOwnSummer · 23/05/2020 21:22

It's your business if you're having to subsidise others. I think buying things for the person who's providing you a home is reasonable but the brother needs to chip in.

Talk to your boyfriend, its the only way. If you're doing the shopping maybe he doesn't realise how much DB is costing. What is their relationship like?

june2007 · 23/05/2020 21:23

DEf ned to have a discussion about The finances, who is paying the bills? If your buying food and them the bills does it even out? Also can you ask BIL, to do the washing up, lok after the children? If things don,t change then it will def be time to move on.

Lonelykettleshed · 23/05/2020 21:23

YANBU to be frustrated but YABU if you think they should change their behaviour in their house. Is it a problem exacerbated by the lockdown (if so, can you put up with it for a while longer) or is it their norm? If the latter, I think that you'll have to move out.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 23/05/2020 21:26

You can move out during lockdown

Idododoidadada · 23/05/2020 21:27

Me and my boyfriend are the only ones that have bought food in about 2 months and now I’m buying for a family off 5 and a toddler.

I’m guessing they are fed up of you living rent free and don’t know how to tell you. Because, unless you are also contributing to gas& electricity(which you haven’t mentioned and I’m sure you would have) then you are costing them more than they thought and you all being there is more disruption than they thought.

Paying for food and a few takeaways is a lot less than rent and they can drink what they like and act how they like in their own home. That’s why I said move out. Regardless of lockdown (you can still move during lockdown) you need to move sooner rather than later even if it is back into rented accommodation.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/05/2020 21:29

I think this is one of those situations where you'll be better off focussing on all the great things you're getting out of this, and suck up the others till you can move out. It's likely that buying food for 5 (well only 3 extra) is an awful lot cheaper than paying rent and bills. So financially you're not losing at all. If any of them ever look after your lo, that's more than nothing if you were in your own home.

Original poster

Alanares89 · 23/05/2020 21:31

Yeah I probably shouldn’t be so harsh on them drinking and lazing about, it is their home, I guess that just frustrates me as I hate laziness!

The BIL gets away with murder, his mum and dad just buy him everything and buy his drink, it would be nice for him to offer even £10 and I think that would control my frustration! Lol

OP posts:

ludothedog · 23/05/2020 21:32

There are more important things in life than saving for a mortgage. There is no way I would move in with family just to save money. You're a parent now and one clear parenting task is providing a safe and secure home for your child. Living with other adults who are consuming that amount of alcohol is not conducive to safe parenting a young child.

Move out now. Lockdown does not prevent you from doing that

Herpesfreesince03 · 23/05/2020 21:35

Yes YABU. Because you’re willingly doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning and buying takeaways for the entire family??!! How did that even start? Keep your own room clean, tidy your own mess, shop/cook/buy takeaways for yourselves only!

LovingLola · 23/05/2020 21:37

Move back out.
Problem solved.

rayoflightboy · 23/05/2020 21:51

The BIL is not your business.Get him to chip in.

You should pay a little bit of rent,that way you can buy your own food and takeaway guilt free.

Notthetoothfairy · 24/05/2020 08:36

I think the problem boils down to the fact that your MIL probably used to do all the housework and shopping/cooking (so FIL and BIL never helped) but doesn’t do any of that now she’s an alcoholic. Before anyone questions that, they should ask themselves how else to describe someone who just spends all their time drinking and doesn’t get up until late afternoon every day.

I’ll bet BIL is also living rent free so he should equally be helping with cleaning and chipping in for food, but old habits die hard (and he has been babied). Perhaps ask him to go to the shop and buy X items as his contribution. It will probably be easier to do that than get him to do actual physical work.

Why is BF not helping too?

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