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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a true friend wouldn't do this?

66 replies

Sockmonster23 · 23/05/2020 18:24

We were discussing corona and the economy. She started screaming and shouting at me and I said it's only an opinion as I am worried about the economy and finances. She didn't give me a chance to talk and just hung up. Sent a text to say sorry if I upset you , will always be here if you want to chat in future. Not a hearsd a thing for 3 days and haven't spoken for nearly a week. I do believe in being able to express ourselves. In the past she has had a go at me before about stuff and then says it's me going off on one when she has been the one screaming that I actually felt anxious talking to her and she has sent me close to tears before and that's my own personal stuff. When she is nice is she lovely but when you something she doesn't agree with omg lol. Seriously this lockdown is making me question everything about life/friends. I'm a single mum and been through quite a hard time this last year due to my ex. I'm not perfect but I am loyal and do have opinions and can't just agree with someone when I don't but I am always respectful of their opinion.

OP posts:
ItsMsActually · 23/05/2020 19:03

I've got a friend just like this - she raises conversations about topics, I reply with my view and she always gets so short and arsey (not a healthy debate), and then she cuts off the conversation and I'm left baffled.

Ponoka7 · 23/05/2020 19:05

She can't cope with what might be coming and has reacted that way out of stress and fear.

It could be that her mental health is suffering and that's why she hasn't contacted you.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. When I was going through an anxious time, i had to be blunt with people if they tried to share bad news stuff with me.

LindainLockdown · 23/05/2020 19:07

She is not a friend, good opportunity to get her out of your life now.

Ellisandra · 23/05/2020 19:08

Why are you letting yourself be treated badly?
Forget this conversation, you say she’s done this before.
Why bother?

BarbedBloom · 23/05/2020 19:09

I am one of those who is very worried about the future as I have to shield, as do most of mine and DH's family. But none of us can afford to stay off work for a long period of time. I have a suppressed immune system and severe asthma and work in a public facing role. It is really worrying as I am often hospitalised with colds. Anyway, all this being said, I have never screamed or shouted at my friends, even when some of them said some pretty callous things. We are all scared in different ways, but that doesn't excuse your friends behavior.

If this was a one off then I would attribute it to the stress at the moment and try to smooth things out later. But it seems like she has form for this, so I would be assessing how much her friendship actually brings you, balanced against stuff like this

Lynda07 · 23/05/2020 19:14

Don't 'phone her again, wait for her to call you and see what she has to say. I can understand how upsetting that was for you and quite agree we should be able to express opinions without a slanging match.

This will pass. Flowers

Shoppingwithmother · 23/05/2020 19:15

Maybe she wanted to talk to you to cheer herself up and what you said had the opposite effect?

I think the problem is that some people want to go into all the details and doom and gloom about the situation with everyone they talk to. Some other people may very well have read extensively about the prospects for the economy or their health and thought about it a lot, but just wanted a nice chat with a friend for a break from the endless reality of lockdown and coronavirus.

Bearing in mind we can’t really do anything about it, there’s not necessarily a need to have these doom-filled conversations with everyone.

I am considering ducking out of some Zoom meet-ups with friends as I always go into them thinking it will be fun to see everyone, but come away feeling much more depressed than I was before.

greengauges · 23/05/2020 19:15

You're right, a true friend wouldn't behave like that.

If someone screamed and shouted at me like that, the friendship would be over in a flash.

Shinesweetfreedom · 23/05/2020 19:31

Walking on eggshells because you must not say something she will disagree with.
Are we not taught to on here that if a man did this it is abuse and we should not put up with it.
Seriously cut this one loose

ShellieEllie · 23/05/2020 19:34

You've left the door open. She'll contact you at some point if she wants a future 'friendship' and then it's up to you whether you do.

andweallsingalong · 23/05/2020 19:35

I wonder if she wasn't ready for realism and found the doom and gloom upsetting.

I might be biased here as I remember a few early arguments with DH when he'd be talking about a subject I found hugely upsetting and would gently try and change the subject 4-5 times. I'd think I'd been perfectly clear, he'd be oblivious. Then I'd directly ask to end the topic. He'd be wounded / defensive and say okay, but can I just say and launch into yet more on the subject, I'd get angry / upset and he'd think I was utterly unreasonable and over reacting....

Do you pick up on cues well OP ?

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 23/05/2020 19:55

I'd do the fade on her.

We all have different opinions and if you cannot be a grown up and accept that people arent going to agree with you 100% of the time then you arent going to be able to forge any friendships because noone agrees on everything ALL the time. Part of basic maturity is being able to recognise that differences of opinion are just part of life.

We dont live in an echo chamber and actually if we did- how boring would that be?!

FergusSingsTheBlues · 23/05/2020 19:58

Meh I had a friend like this

I just stopped caring after twenty years of drama

I probably ghosted her but I just cope with yet another conversation about who said what

I just stopped caring

I am much happier

Hunnybears · 23/05/2020 20:02

I would never bother with her again. She sounds unhinged!

Pinkypink · 23/05/2020 20:19

Get rid.
It's lovely that you are loyal but why be on eggshells around anyone?
Life is too short. She will no doubt be back at some point when she needs you. I would block and not look back.

TomorrowAlways · 23/05/2020 20:24

Ive been questioning all my friendships too, Ive found my 'friends' have been no support to me whatsover, I have health anxiety and have found this situation very difficult, my friends couldnt care less, to be honest they have been the complete opposite of helpful.
Today I just said Im taking a break from social media, I cant be bothered with streams of endless messages that are meaningless to me when the things that I need most support on they cant provide or even try to help in the slightest.

MrsSnitchnose · 23/05/2020 20:27

YABU to have apologised. You're allowed to have an opinion. I would just leave her to it tbh

wildcherries · 23/05/2020 20:30

You're right, and if you can't have disagreements it isn't much of a friendship. This pandemic has shown a lot of true colours. Exceot it isn't even the first time. I wouldn't bother with the drama.

wildcherries · 23/05/2020 20:30

*Except

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 23/05/2020 20:31

I think you should tell us the whole conversation and if you already have go back to her and ask her what the hell she's on about.

Musicforsmorks · 23/05/2020 20:33

Probably a troubled dynamic - I’m no angel but not had friendships where there’s ‘screaming’ going on.

On rare occasions, myself or my OH will report to a highly frustrated yell or scream to let of steam (he’s a stubborn swine 😁) when we’re at odds, but this type of thing being regular ain’t too healthy.

There’s also that saying - you teach people how they’re allowed to treat you.
She’s evidently cool with screaming at you, and seems to be sulking also. This is manipulation that is confident in its actions.
Could be co-dependency also.

Have a think.

Musicforsmorks · 23/05/2020 20:35

My sister (no contact) is like this, intensely addicted to screaming, even in public, and the drama never ends. It is anxiety with her but she has everyone under the thumb with it. I had to go NC years ago with both her and my mum because of it. It’s sad. But it nearly made me really ill.

GreyHare · 23/05/2020 20:37

Does she have anxiety? did she ask you to stop doom mongering before she went off at you? but it sounds like you aren't really suited to being friends, maybe just keep any interaction with her light and fluffy but avoid if you can.

JeSuisPoulet · 23/05/2020 20:46

I binned a friend last year. We were on different sides of the Brexit divide and managed to talk fairly reasonably, heatedly at times, but always managed to leave on decent terms, spoke about 3 times a week minimum.

As the years have gone on she has found it harder to defend politicians and the Brexit decisions and started to get snippy about unrelated personal things in my life. One day last summer she went mental at me that I was "endangering my child" by taking her abroad Shock and went on to say she would never ever take her kids abroad because someone would molest them, they'd drown because of poor health and safety - on and on. I was pretty gobsmacked at this point and laughed, which completely threw her into another meltdown where she said she understood that I must "be a bit like that because you have a dog and ANYONE who has a dog wants their child to die". I calmly repeated what she had just said back to her with "You really think that do you? Well then, you had better f*ck off". Hung up and haven't spoken to her since. She is a teacher, wasn't going through any drama's - just loosing at Brexit justification.

If she isn't going through some personal COVID related worry (elderly parent sick or shielding which might make her tetchy for eg) then you do have to ask yourself why you are putting yourself forward to be harassed. Bin her if she's doing it often.

Dita73 · 23/05/2020 21:03

The last thing a friend should do is make you anxious! Ditch her. You don’t need that in your life