To not be thrilled about this...

[ilikebears]

I feel like an awful person. I love my BIL & SIL, love their dcs. No backstory, I really enjoy their company. Our dcs love theirs and enjoy seeing them. But they've moved literally 8 minutes walk away & a 3 minute drive (yes I timed it ).

I'm just feeling suffocated already. Thankfully with lockdown it's not gotten intense yet but I've been told many times "it's an open door policy". For you maybe, not for me!! They want to be able to knock if walking by, which is my idea of hell. I know we're going to have to say we'd rather plan in advance etc but it will likely hurt their feelings as they've moved here to be close to us.

I hate saying it but I am really introverted and "peopled out" quickly. I need my space and I don't see why the once a month visits need to now be multiple times a week. I appreciate they'd increase slightly more but not that much!

It's been hint after hint of babysitting when lockdown is sorted etc and I know I'm going to be asked to help with the school run with their dc as it's the same one my dc attends, and BIL has already been talking about how it is going to be extremely difficult fitting school pick ups around work, it would also save them a load of hassle and money etc. But I look forward to one to one time with my dcs so much.

God I'm an awful person aren't I.

Can't move either I'm afraid. AIBU? Would you feel the same even if you really liked your in laws?

@StoutDrinker2019 please explain how I'd be selfish and entitled in saying no to regular childcare for them.

My dc also really enjoy that time with me after pick up and I haven't asked because they continually hint and I know the question is coming.

If DH wants to spend time after school with them when he does pick ups that's fine but why should I on my pick ups? Is it the 1950s again? I'm basically earning less so that my in laws can earn more if I provide that for them.

See, I did a shitload of unpaid childcare for my nephews and nieces, and I didn't get asked, I got volunteered. If you'd like it, luverly, but it's also okay not to like it or want it.

I think they sound quite selfish and entitled, hinting as they are about babysitting and drop-offs, assuming that these either should or would be on offer.

OP isn't actually asking for anything, so I don't know how she's sounding entitled. She's just got her kids and childcare sorted, and isn't keen on being the unpaid default for some other bugger. Even if they are family.

I thought you were being a bit unreasonable until I read the bit about school pick ups - that time alone with your children for them to decompress after a day at school is so important! A one off favour yes, but a regular arrangement? No way! You are right, your future self will thank you for standing firm :)

You basically sound like you don't like them at all. Far enough, set your boundaries. Everything clearly has to be reduced to 'childcare' arrangements. I just thought family was a bit different to that. You know, muck and and help where you can kind of vibe? I'm just glad you are not my sister in law that's all! But perhaps I'm totally naive.

Learn to say 'No, sorry' with a smile. No explanation (or they'll try to argue you out of it). Sooner or later they'll get the message.

You are NOT selfish. This is your life, not theirs.

The OP is most definitely NOT selfish to not want to provide regular childcare for anyone, even if it is family.

Providing childcare is a huge ask for anyone.

Some people who don't provide it are very quick to think that any SAHM is fair game to impose on.. sure what's one more🙄.

I have had 4 children go through primary school, and every single class had at least a couple of these individuals.

First on the phone to ask a "little favour"...the thing is they weren't little favours and if you have 5 or 6 people asking you once a month it mounts up.

I certainly didn't get caught but I saw the same few get caught until they wised up.

This is not about helping someone out who is desperate, its about people thinking, sure I'll just get X to do that day for me.

The OP has made a decision to be at home with her children, providing childcare for family will change the dynamic in her home.

Oh the other thing is, people like this are often lax about collecting their children when it is family too.

The OP has EVERY right to decide how she lives her life and if she doesn't wish to oblige someone who has moved near her for childcare, that absolutely is her right.

She most certainly shouldn't be called selfish for it.

I agree with getting DH very cautious about agreeing to anything.
And stick with your 'I like the one to one with my DCs' after school etc. I don't see anything wrong with that at all.
At the moment you are probably in shock mode and very anxious but make sure DH is on board and stick to what YOU want and don't be persuaded by pressure from the inlaws or caught out by your DCs pestering for what you don't want.
I remember being asked by a friend to have her DCs after school and she was surprised wehn I said no - but my DCs were naughtier when others were there on a regular basis, taking advantage of me not being able to discipline as firmly (raise my voice etc), we got on better on our own. I didn't want to be grumpy mum.

You basically sound like you don't like them at all.

That's cockcustard — and completely unfair to the OP. She sounds like she likes them a lot. I like people a lot but when I'm in the house, it's 'me' time.

No you're not being unreasonable.....

People need to realise that not ALL people need to have lots of (liked /loved) people around continually....

I'm an extrovert and it would drive me mad! I used to keep open house....bit a significant downside is that all sorts of people thought that they were welcome regardless of what my plans may be... Cost me a fortune in time/food and energy!

But as you're doing, do flag it up early!

Reply with “I’ll ask my friends if any of them can recommend a childminder that could do pick ups & after school for you if you like”

that's good - deflect any not-so-subtle hints with something like that.

Another one to say is "you need to branch out and make new friends not rely on us"

You probably don't even need to say this, once they've moved in it sounds like they're the sort of people who will have no trouble making new friends. If they're outgoing and like to do things and go places at weekends, they'll find new people to hang out with. Maybe introduce them to some people you don't really want to hang out with yourselves once they move in!

Get some names of babysitters locally.
Get the names of possible childminders for them NOW.

Get the name of a good plumber, electrician etc.

Make a list, hand it over and consider the subject closed, before it is opened.

That's a great idea! Frame it as a welcome pack. Menus from the best takeaways on the other side of town so they don't have to walk past your house , details of clubs they can join without you etc

Perhaps they might be possible looking forward to a bit more reciprocal support because you know, you are family??? They have mentioned reciprocal support, but OP doesn't NEED their support, she's managing fine by arranging her work and family life around school pick-ups. The fact that the ILs haven't done that, but want to take advantage of OP's situation so they don't have to change their hours or pay anyone else to do it is the entitled and selfish part!

OP you could always say "oh yes, I was actually thinking I might train and register to become a childminder - I've had a few friends ask about me collecting their DCs from school and I'm thinking it could be a good little money spinner." See if they're still keen then!

Do as much as you can on the introductions side: "this is Jane, she lives in your road", "sue runs the local babysitting circle", "Kate lives near you - I know her 15 year old is always up for a bit of babysitting".

You sound incredibly manipulative StoutDrinker2019, trying to make the OP feel guilty for not being at someone else’s beck and call. I’m sure the vast majority of posters on here are dammed glad your not their in-law.

I'm not doing it. Even if I have to say I just don't want to miss that time with my dc and as much as I love xyz, it's not going to work for me.
This is absolutely all you need to say. The truth. They might be hurt, angry, disappointed but they will be that anyway so better it be for the truth. FWIW I think it sounds lovely the way you've explained it.

Have you spoke to him about it, again OP?

What have they done for childcare until moving?

them, not him.