To have sent my child to play in her room?

[suspended]

I'm done in. We all are. I have just send DD 8 to her room to play.

We go through the same rigmarole every day. She follows me and DH around in the morning asking to play. We play with her (usually a board game or teachers) after breakfast then we ask her to find something to do.

Then an argument starts. She suggests screen time only. (Computer/tv/games console/iPad). We don't deny her this completely she can have it for a certain time a day. We have even increased it because it's how she communicates with friends these days.

The reason we don't let her have screen time all day is that she gets a headache and goes hyper. I think it's completely reasonable.

We suggest art/playing outside/ a game (like teachers/mums and dads) etc. She says no, it all kicks off. She's sad and says we don't like her. We tell her that we love her but that we have house chores/things we need to take care of. (And that we will play later).

But she won't budge: she can't play by herself. Or so she says. Usually she cries and kicks off and either eventually gives in and goes and plays. Or she continues to explode or mope until the next thing to do in the house (lunch/dinner/bed).

She is an only child, is clever, has lots of toys, is taken out for a walk and a bike ride every day with one of us. Is played with or has an activity done every day (we made crumble and a school project yesterday). But she won't ever voluntarily play by herself. Until it's forced and she then acts like we hate her.

I am trying to think back to my childhood and my mum and dad both worked and had chores and they didn't play with us all day. The ironic thing is that when she gets into playing by herself it is hard to drag her away.

Is anyone else's child like this? Play is just an alien concept to her (in her defence even as a little one she never really wanted to do imagination play). And I feel so guilty! I just know she thinks I don't want to play with her but I have things to do. And I will play later.

What can I suggest? I feel like we have to break her down to get her to play by herself and that can't be healthy right?

Can you set up a routine and use a timer so that the time she has to self-occupy is very clear to her? For example say you’ll play with her until 10:30 but at 10:30 it’s time for you and her Dad to do chores until 11:30 so she needs to find something to do? At 11:30 (or whatever the agreed time is) agree to play with her for X amount of time. You could give her some suggestions for things she could do (chores, crafts, activities) if needed. Use a countdown timer (you can download app versions for iPads/ phones etc) so she can see how much time she has to fill.

Having the time she has to entertain herself as part of a strict routine and knowing that after that time period you’ll do an activity together might help. Repeat the routine of together time, self-occupying time across the day so it’s never a huge stretch of time she has to fill and she knows once it’s over she can have your attention agsin.

I'll be honest I think most default to screens and right now given everything else that's going on I'm going easy with the restrictions. My 8 year old DS loves his Xbox and it's how he stays in touch with friends right now by playing games with them online.

Thank you for your advice everyone!

The background noise thing is fascinating and she definitely has spent more time in her room playing music since my Dad bought her an Alexa. I will investigate audiobooks on Alexa.

But also I have to consider that she is an extrovert and likes being social and I am not, and neither is her dad.

A schedule is great too! We have one for school days but not weekends or holidays.

Tomorrow she is out all morning on a bike ride with her a Dad and girl next door and her Dad. (Obviously with distancing in place).

Monday we are sitting in our gardens (if the weather provides) with the same family, and having food outside (but in our respective gardens)

Screen time is a whole chapter of parenting in it's own right. I have had this battle with DD 9 for ages. I think your DD is old enough to take some responsibility. If you put some caps on total internet time and on individual apps, you can start to measure how much time she is online and then show your DD. I made the fair point that "Nine and a half hours of ANYTHING is a lot, it's more than you sleep!" Actually my DD saw this was the case.

So now, my DD has 4.5 hours which, if she likes, she can dedicate to her favourite app Roblox and she is allowed to chat to her friends via FaceTime while they play. But never ever do I extend the time, that's a hard rule.

And she can manage the time herself. If she uses it up watching Netflix before breakfast then tough, less time to chat to friends.

Giving her the power to choose what to do within a (pretty generous!) time budget helps.

I also (very reasonably ) said that if she watches educational videos then she can also use YouTube and I'm happy for her to listen to music on her YouTube playlist while she does other things. In fact she never does either unless I instigate it.

I have noticed a marked improvement in behaviour, unsurprisingly, since screen time reduced.

But it really is not something you can avoid clashing over. It will be a battle ground for years and years in my house, I am sure.

Why does she need to be separate - can’t she do whatever near where you’re doing chores?

Personally I’d drive screen time right down, I don’t let mine have unsupervised screen time Anyway, as it sounds like she’s whinging until you give in and she has plenty to do.

Does she read? Being a bookworm got me through childhood! Does she play her guitar? Write?

These are the things I did;

Devoured Books

Wrote Books/Newspapers/Songs

Made Scrap Books

Took Photos

Sewed clothes for my dolls, knitted/crocheted things for myself, decorated cheap straw hats (The Works/Hobby Craft good for this sort of thing), cross-stitch, embroidery.

Doll Styling Head (as a result I’m brilliant at hair, not a hairdresser but I’ve been asked to put hair up for weddings, do group hair for dance exams and shows etc, also confident at cutting and colouring).

“Projects” - usually History. I’d self direct myself to research areas that fascinated me ie Tudors, The Olympics, Scottish Civilisation, prehistoric animals etc. I’d end up drawing pictures of the fashions or the homes and collecting my findings in a scrap book. I’m only just realising now that it’s not a surprise I ended up working in Academia...I always enjoyed research!

I always had pets. Fish, Cats, Hamsters, Rabbits etc. It really helped with the loneliness. Could she care for a Hamster or Rabbit?

In good weather I’d start planting and growing little easy things like Sweet Williams. You don’t need a massive space. A herb garden and vegetables can be grown in small even indoor spaces.

I watched a lot of films. Disney, Musicals, Black and White films.

Put on “shows” for my toys.

Hours with the dolls houses, Sylvanians etc.

A small amount of gaming and computer time. It was easy for me to get addicted but my parents kept a close eye.

Bike/Rollerblades/Tent/Swingset/Paddling Pool - Outdoorsy stuff. Also picnics outdoors with or without parents (usually with the cats and rabbits as guests of honour )

Looking back, if I wasn’t creative I don’t think I would have coped as well and it might have been horrible for a child who was having to be forced to be creative.

I think allowing a child to get bored and figure out how to occupy themself is really important. I think now there’s a constant need to entertain children 24/7. I see the flip side of this at university with over 18s becoming really distressed because they can’t structure their free time or occupy themselves in between classes and lectures and expecting us to tell them what to do. So don’t be scared to let her get bored or to work with her to develop her own timetable for structuring her time, even at this young age.

I had little interest in playing with dolls, limited art stuff, read all my books as soon as I got them and had nobody to play with.

But I had a dog to teach to do tricks, play ball or tug of war with, a cat to brush or pull a length of string along for and access to the TV. And repeatedly bashing a tennis ball against the kitchen wall with a tennis racket when neither of them were up for it.

Your DD is bored and lonely. At least with screens, there's a sense of interaction when you're off being busy adults.

Do you have a garden? As an only child I spent hours in the garden with a skipping rope, basket ball hoop, hula hoop etc.

6yo DS and exactly the same problem.
He's an only and desperate for a sibling. Can't happen so days are a constant stream of 'I want to play with yooooouuuu' 'can I watch the ipad?' 'I don't know how to play...'
We have lots of imaginative play toys (dress up, instruments, figures, play sets), arts and craft etc. He loves these things but ONLY with an adult playing in the games.
We go out every day with the bike or scooter.
No matter what, its never enough.
I can set him up for a game (imaginative play works best when it's guided) and if I step away after 30m, he loses interest immediately.
Im trying to build it up. We do school work (with me guiding him the whole way or he just wouldn't bother) lunch, bike ride and then I set the timer for an hour and he has to play on his own while I work. Any interruptions, and the clock stops so he can't buy time that way. I'll continue to build this up over time, adding 10m each week.
Hes just a child that needs noise and company.

I think you could try to do more to include her in jobs. She's 8, she's old enough to be helping her dad while he's pottering in the garden. She can be helping both of you with household chores. With the bonus that if it means you get done quicker, you can spend more time playing with her.

But also I would get her to draw up a timetable for each day. You can work out when you can do things altogether, when she can do things with you and with her dad, and when she'll need to entertain herself. Try to break that up so it's not hours and hours on her own. Plan in short breaks when you'll do something fun together, but also put in the plan for what she will do the other times, so she isn't having to come up with ideas in the moment.

my mum and dad both worked and had chores and they didn't play with us all day

Presumably with you saying ‘us’ you had siblings so could play with each other?

She follows me and DH around in the morning asking to play. We play with her (usually a board game or teachers) after breakfast then we ask her to find something to do.

How long do you play for? It’s an awful long day for a single child. She is probably very lonely. Fine during normal times when she has school, places to go or friends to visit/stay, but I can’t imagine my only child managing to spend a huge chunk of the day alone at that age.

The chores thing is a great suggestion.

I agree. She's old enough to try her hand at ironing , polishing, (shoes, furniture, silver, brass) cleaning low windows, peeling and chopping vegetables, re-organising a cupboard or bookshelves, sewing on buttons, making sandwiches for lunch, devising menus for a week.

Hi OP, apologies if this has already been suggested. I've got a 7yo who is very similar to this. We've bought an Alexa and downloaded audible books, which have made a massive difference. We've also worked out a menu with her with hers and our suggestions of things she can do - draw, paint, jigsaws, barbies etc. We set a timer for her on Alexa for the length of time we need her to fill (say 30min) and then we check in with her halfway, so she doesn't feel forgotten. Good luck!

Have you tried 'setting up' activities for her? For example:

• separate all her Lego into colours and leave it on the floor? Or leave out pictures of Lego designs for her to replicate?

-Set up the table with play dough and rolling pins and biscuit cutters etc

-Arrange her toys on a rug on the floor having a picnic

• print out some home made card ideas then lay out all the glue, glitter, stickers etc

• print out some intricate patterns to colour and set out the table with her pens

Hopefully it will look attractive to her and she will engross herself in the activity because it's already there and looks fun, it's a lot more tempting then just saying 'how about playing with your lego?'

You could also trying breaking up the day for her so it doesn't seem so long, for example create a time table for her to fill in

Monday:

• Breakfast
• activity one
• activity two
• lunch
• activity three
• activity four
• dinner
• activity five

So that's five activities to fill, you could say for each day she has to spend one activity reading, one activity outside, and one activity with you (lasting say, an hour?)

She might enjoy having a bit more structure to her day and she might feel more in control. She knows you will have one hour of one on one time with her and she can choose when that is and what you'll be doing.

Just a few ideas, it's a tough time for only kids!

Sounds like she needs a bit of a routine so she knows when she has playtimes with you and screen time.

Maybe you can start the day by making a timetable.

So 8-9 breakfast
9-10 - board games
10-12 free time ( this can be the time she plays by herself)
12-1 make lunch with mummy
1-2 daddy plays a game with her
2-4 free time etc etc

You can schedule in walks and and other activities but at least she’ll know what’s coming up and she can plan her time with mummy and daddy.