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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get involved in 'girl drama'?

23 replies

Figamol · 22/05/2020 22:17

Will try to be short! 11 year old girl tried to stop two groups of girls being mean to each other on their group chat. The group she's closest with turned on her and spent over an hour making videos together saying how un cool it was of my daughter not to support them - and honestly getting too mean.

She was in tears and I asked her if she needed help handling it. I meant coaching her. But for the first time ever she said can you stop it. She's friends with the 3 of them normally and two of them are rather strong characters, her best friend is the quieter sweeter one that like my daughter gets swept up in things.

So I called the girls mum whose house they were at to just say look I know its girls stuff and I dont normally get involved (I really don't) but do you think you could discretely get them to stop sending these videos and messages - its all a bit 3 against 1. Mum was awesome (although did tell the girls I called) but she herself was very glad I called - was furious with the girls and they sent an apology video (in the tactless way 11 year olds do ;)

So all over and everyone happy.

But I do wonder if its caused more damage for both of us. I dont want to be the psycho mum (ok I'll be kind to myself and say tiger mum) and she doesn't deserve to be the tell tale. I'll have a chat with her tomorrow about me doing something like that is only for something really exceptional and we need to work together to help her manage tough situations herself.

Having been very bullied for a period at school it was a bit triggering and I had no problem jumping in when she asked. But I'm really interested to know who has done this before - good or bad results in the long term? How do you nip stuff like this in the bud at sensitive age for self esteem? And at what point have other mums jumped in to girl drama and why?

OP posts:

BilboBercow · 22/05/2020 22:19

They were bullying her and you stepped in. That's what you're supposed to do.

TheTrollFairy · 22/05/2020 22:22

I would have done the same thing. Bullying can be really damaging, especially at such a young age!

RedHelenB · 22/05/2020 22:24

I had to do the same because the strategies I'd given dd hadnt worked Apparently some parents had noticed stuff in the playground before school.abd it stopped. She was most upset that her best friend hadn't said by her although she understood why. All water under the bridge now but sometimes adults do need to intervene.

LovingLola · 22/05/2020 22:25

11 is too young for social media.
It’s that simple. They are not emotionally equipped to deal with it.

DysonFury · 22/05/2020 22:28

You did the right thing though I think you've misunderstood what a Tiger Mum is.

AcrobaticCardigan · 22/05/2020 22:28

It would have been more damaging to let it continue & escalate. You did the right thing to nip it in the bud.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 22/05/2020 22:28

YANBU at all and I’m glad the other mum was understanding! At that age kids can be thoughtless morons so I think it’s good when the parents can address it like adults.

missyB1 · 22/05/2020 22:29

You were right to stop it, but accept your part in it by allowing your dd to put herself in situations she’s too young to handle. Get her off the bloody social media. And stop expecting her to know how to control this sort of shit, she’s a kid.

Original poster

Figamol · 22/05/2020 22:31

Thank you, I feel much better for your kind comments. Promise she's not not social media - just imessage on the ipod. Have refused snap chat, instagram and the like and shes cool with that.

OP posts:

Tonz · 22/05/2020 22:32

Your daughter asked you to help so you stepped up and did something for her. That's what a mum does. I'm glad your daughter felt able to ask you. Too many girls try to hide bullying. Good for you

mummmy2017 · 22/05/2020 23:08

Right now your DD thinks your a hero.
She knows it was wrong, told you and got it stopped.

Schrodingerspeanutbuttersandw · 22/05/2020 23:10

I think its quite a good lesson to also address the situation if you can. An echo in adult life is if there is bullying in the workplace it's cruel to just point the finger and say the victim needs to 'work on their resilience'. It's also healthy to want to change environments that are damaging to you and ask for help if you need it. Also by involving the other Mum I would hope the other girls have learned a lesson and are less likely to bully again. That's more likely to nip things in the bud too. Well done, sounds like you were calm, reasonable and understanding but firm that that kind of behaviour is wrong and shouldn't continue. A great example.

AngelicInnocent · 22/05/2020 23:11

Stay out of drama but step in to stop bullying is the way it should be. This wasn't drama and yabu to refer to it as drama, it was bullying.

DamnYankee · 22/05/2020 23:24

Jumping in when she's 11 is a good parenting call. Now she knows she can rely on you! Perfect teachable moment, which you are taking full advantage of!

I think it was good the other mum told the girls you blew the whistle. They will be more careful and the other mum knows she can trust you to report wrongdoing - or take it seriously if it's your own daughter that transgresses at some point.

Good on you!

Limpetlike · 22/05/2020 23:33

You were fine. And ‘tiger moms’ are the type who relentlessly pressure their offspring to get top marks, play sport at national level and Be first violin in the National Youth Orchestra before they turn ten. Not mother’s who stop bullying.

Limpetlike · 22/05/2020 23:33

Mothers!

Celeriacacaca · 23/05/2020 00:29

You did the right thing. Come back to the subject with your DD in the coming days and chat through what happened and how she's feeling etc. It's good for kids to know and learn what a good friend does and doesn't do.

lyralalala · 23/05/2020 01:35

She’s 11, that’s a good age to step in when they ask. Especially when she rarely does.

Be proud that she didn’t stay quiet and felt able to ask you to step in even though it’s not the “cool” thing to do.

And don’t discourage her from asking in future just because of age. It’s definitely good to let them fight their own battles to a large extent, but it’s good for them, and other kids, to know that they have back up when they need it.

Yeahnahmum · 23/05/2020 01:41

I would mortified if my mum had done that at age 11!! They might have send an apology for their videos, but this Could now escalate into something else simply because you tattled on them..

Euclid · 23/05/2020 02:31

Well done OP to you and the other Mum. I have no children but speaking about my own experience at school I am so glad that there was no SM when I was a schoolgirl too many years ago to mention! I was very shy and a year young in my class (due to having "skipped a year as a clever child") . I did my best with older girls in my class but could not have coped with SM being added to that meanness that teenage girls are unfortunately so good at.

ProseccoBubbleFantasies · 23/05/2020 02:50

Lovely common this thread. And I agree with all of them.

And I'm really, really glad it worked out for your child.

But just for the sake of arguement, I will point out that this is one of those cases of:
give a man a fish and he'll eat a meal. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat forever

You've been a great mum in this situation, and I'm sure your daughter appreciates it and loves you lots. OF COURSE she needs to know you've got her back.
But how much higher would her self esteem be if she had sorted this herself?

lyralalala · 23/05/2020 03:05

But how much higher would her self esteem be if she had sorted this herself?

And how much lower would it have been had she not been able to do that effectively?

eeehbyegum · 23/05/2020 04:54

You did great, and you did great as a mum all the years before so she felt safe to come to you.

At 11 they are finding their feet, but if it was 13,14,15 your intervention I think could have caused back lash for your daughter. Only saying what I think I know about teenage girls. I don’t have any advice how to deal with this kind of stuff sadly, but for now I think you did great x

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