To want recognition from DH

[Dillo10]

DH works full time out of the house (pre lockdown)
I am self employed and have always worked from home and not exactly full time but 4 days a week ish. It varies according to work load.

I do 90% of tidying up, hoovering, cleaning of bathrooms, bedrooms and kitchen. I have a loose schedule that keeps everything the way I want it. Cooking is more equal but I still feel I do the lion's share including tidying up.
Every now and again he decides to "clean" downstairs if we've had a busy weekend or people over. He does some washing (his own) but generally dumps all the cleaning washing on the bed for me to put away. He hoovers if I ask him to. He takes rubbish out, feeds the cat.

My issue is the fact that he regularly comments that he does 50% of the housework and cooking. I have asked if he's serious and he really is. It seems from his perspective we share tasks equally. What he does I would not count as housework, just daily tasks.

Am I going mad? Or does he literally not notice what I do? He has made comments before such as "my bath mat never gets dirty" ... Ummm that's because I wash it once a week (he was unaware of this lol)

I accept it's a fair balance given our work situations but I am getting a bit frustrated at his perception of things. I feel like I work very hard to keep everything clean and tidy.

Am I just being silly here?

Honestly OP if this annoys you now be prepared for the months after a baby when he feels he does 50% because he changes the odd nappy.

I would make it part of trying for a baby that you divvy up the tasks now.

My DH genuinely thought we had a magic self cleaning TV, and a gravel path that never needs weeding. Don't worry I put him straight. It's funny though, now he's working from home, and he sees me mopping floors, or wiping down surfaces, he keeps offering to make me a cup of tea

www.npr.org/2020/05/21/860091230/pandemic-makes-evident-grotesque-gender-inequality-in-household-work

I listened to this interview yesterday and she made a lot of sense. I liked her advice to sit down and agree what kind of family life/home you want (I strongly urge you do this before a baby arrives) and then work backwards from there - decide on the bucket of tasks that are needed to make that life happen and divide them up.

I'd definitely make a list to show him the reality of how everything is split

Only way forward is for you to stop doing it

Hard, but then he'll see -

Just make a long list of everything you do. Ask him to tick the items he has done within the last month, with a second tick against everything he has done within the last week.

You do the same.

And make it a very extensive list:-
Sort laundry into loads
Wash each load
Dry each load
Iron
Pit my clothes away
Put OHS clothes away

Etc.

Stop doing any cleaning of his bathroom. He'll soon notice.

People always say just don't do it but in my experience it just bites the person who normally does it on the arse. I've followed this advice before and ended up with no school uniforms and extra work.

The problem that I see and maybe others have is that I do lots of tasks around the same time as waiting for something else or while I'm doing something. So for example if I'm in the shower, I'll clean the shower, give the bathroom floor a scrub, clean the sunk while doing my teeth, wash the mirror etc. So he just sees, 'She's had a shower. Same with the toilet getting cleaned after use, same with dishwasher getting emptied at the same time as making breakfast or packed lunches, while I'm making food I'll also clean out the fridge, make a shopping list, restock drinks etc etc.

If I cook I also clean so that 90% of the tasks are done, only our plates need putting in dishwasher. If he cooks he tells everyone he's cooked for a start, but also leaves benches covered in food, floor covered, sometimes dishwasher still filled with clean stuff and gets out clean items from the cupboards.

Lots of wasted standing around time. I've said before to maybe instead of standing texting or watching the microwave go round and round...maybe empty the dishwasher, clean the benches.
I think a lot of the issue could be that people who are not organised like this see cleaning as a task that must consciously be given a fanfare before and after completion.
"I am now going to clean the bathroom". "I shall now clean out the fridge". "The dishwasher has been emptied".
They are often people who will do it once and think it doesn't need doing again.

@Devlesko I do all the admin including 100% responsibility for all bday cards, pressies for both our families and arranging social events. He's pretty good at general maintenance if I notice something and ask him to do it, but I don't see them as "men's" jobs and happily will build flatpack furniture, hang mirrors etc by myself

You're right he does pull his weight, it's just the cleaning part that baffles me!

@AnswerYourPhone the few times he's decided to properly clean the kitchen it's been a whole ordeal invoking lots of huffing and puffing and announcing that he's been cleaning hahaha

You're right I just get on with it, and he doesn't realise. He thinks she's just been working in the kitchen downstairs rather than working and loading dishwasher, hanging out washing and running the hoover around in between

Think he might be able to read my mind...

Just came downstairs and said the house looks beautiful, you've done so much today

I took the opportunity to make it clear I do this every week and perhaps he doesn't realise because he's either working or not paying attention

He looked thoughtful ... Lol

Either that or he is a secret Mumsnetter

Ask him to deep clean the bathroom with you but brake it down into tasks - skirting, glass, taps etc.

Over time teach him how to deep clean every room of the house, how to put away laundry

Joke that it’s his lesson of the week

If he doesn't get it, tell him. Don't just feel you're working away like an unrecognised slave.

Is he factoring in all the work he does in the garden as doing his share towards the house jobs? It sounds like it might be reasonable for him to do so. Does it even up the time-split if you factor it in?

Does he get bitter that you don't do more in the garden?

This reminds me of when I was in my teens and my DF said he would do the washing up. He said ‘But it has to be all organised and scraped for me.’ At this point I exploded and said ‘The organising and cleaning, that’s HALF the work!’ My brother backed me up and my mother was in fits. He was so used to being catered to, he had NO idea how much work was involved in running a house.

@Eckhart No it wouldn't even the time-split.. I suppose he might be including all those kind of jobs but we were specifically discussing cleaning, tidying of bathrooms kitchen etc.

It's a funny one as I don't necessarily want him to do more. He works longer hours and I'm at home more so it's fine. It's just the fact that he doesn't even recognise that I work so hard to keep everything the way he likes it

I'm just wondering if you've talked to him about how you feel. From his comment today it sounds like he's appreciative that you make the house lovely.

Do you ever specifically give him recognition for going out to work all day? I'm not meaning to be goady, but there's an imbalance that's hard to identify. I totally understand why it's bothering you.

I do 90% of tidying up, hoovering, cleaning of bathrooms, bedrooms and kitchen.

Do nothing. When he complains and you point out all you do to stop it looking like it now does he may understand.

I do all the admin including 100% responsibility for all bday cards, pressies for both our families and arranging social events

Why? Stop, or you will be doing it forever. His family, his responsibility. Stop it now before you have kids. I took it on so I do understand why, but stop it now so you don’t have 25 + years of it before you stop. Believe me it gets very stressful and is NOT a wife’s job.

the few times he's decided to properly clean the kitchen it's been a whole ordeal invoking lots of huffing and puffing and announcing that he's been cleaning hahaha

Ahh the “I’ve been cleaning, tell me I’m marvellous routine”

My DH used to tell me, as I walked through the door after full day in work when he was 3 days in to a week off, “I’ve hoovered”. I stupidly said ‘thanks’ for a long time. A decade on, after my replies turned to “do you want an applause? I do that every day” I had to listen to “ I cleaned the bathroom today”. My response now is ‘good, it’s only you that leaves skid marks in the loo and pubes on the floor’

Never have I greeted my DH home with “I’ve hoovered and ironed today” or “I cleaned the bathroom today”

WTH do they think they have performed some task that pleases us when they have, halfheartedly, cleaned the shared abode?

Do you genuinely think he is going to pull his weight fairly and value your contributions (without having to be constantly reminded to do his bit or needing a fanfare for doing his bit) if you do have a baby together?

@Eckhart yes it's a strange feeling... Because if you take into account that he works more hours, earns more money etc. It would make me look pretty bad to him, if he truly feels we share all the cleaning and housework equally! That's what is bothering me about it... And I will talk to him about it tonight! Thanks xxx

@Idododoidadada Your suggestions are very passive aggressive.

Don't forget to value yourself too, Dillo. He's not the only one you do it for, right?

@Eckhart thank you x

Start making a list of every single thing you do and a list of what he does. Compare at the end of the week

Yes, yes! And every minor thing eg wipe down surfaces, empty water from reservoir in dishwasher, wipe down surface again when he makes a sandwich and leaves crumbs, fill up the coffee machine with water and beans, empty the toaster crumb tray, putting more tonic in the fridge, filling up the ice cube tray, all the really minor shit that needs doing and my DH thinks just automatically happens.