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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you regretted not going to an estranged parent’s funeral.

48 replies

TeddyIsaHe · 21/05/2020 18:59

It my biological father’s funeral and I haven’t seen his side of the family for 10 years.

I want to have closure, and I want to say goodbye. But I’m just stressed and worried that seeing everyone at the crem is the best way of doing this. I just worry I’ll regret it in the future.

AIBU to think of not going?

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 21/05/2020 21:05

Seven years on and I’m still glad I didn’t go to his funeral. Do whatever feels best for you at the present time and don’t worry about how you may feel in the future because you can’t possibly know and the only relevant time is now.

Ermmmmname · 21/05/2020 21:08

This hasn’t happened for me yet but I thought about it a lot, I’m now at arms length but civil with my estranged father.
He was very ill whilst we were still NC and I think I would, and still will when the time comes, go. I’d definitely take someone with me and stand at the back. I’m not sure I’d want to go to the wake as I assume his new wife and family wouldn’t be pleasant.

Spillinteas · 21/05/2020 21:18

OP I’m NC with my parents and I often work deer if I will attend their funerals.

I’ve just read your update that he was an alcoholic. And I’m that basis I’d go for closure to you. Alcoholism takes over people so hard that a lot of the time they just can not get out of it. He was ill. No one wants to be an alcoholic.

I’d go and stand at the back and then leave but it boils down to how you feel ok the day

Lyricallie · 21/05/2020 21:21

I haven't spoken to my dad in about 11 years and I'm only 28, tbh I doubt I will. He got married again and didn't tell us until we got an invite to his wedding whilst we were at school in the middle of the week and it was the first we had heard of it and didn't go. My wee sister sometimes gets a text from him about once a year and she tries to get a conversation going but he never replies to her reply. However I can see her going. But I don't think I will. Probably have a good 20 years to make that decision though I think.

CarelessSquid07A · 21/05/2020 21:27

My Dad died when I was a teenager but I wasnt told for a few years afterwards.

I often wish i had known at the time so i could say goodbye. Not really to him as i didnt know him. But to help let go of the idea I had of him.

Even now I kind of wish I knew where he was buried so I could visit. To make it feel a little more real that all hope of him coming back is gone.

Pixxie7 · 21/05/2020 21:44

Ask yourself who you would be going for? If you feel you want to go fine but if it’s for other people don’t go. Sorry for your loss.

A1A1 · 21/05/2020 21:56

I’ve never really understood about funerals giving closure. It’s not like “oh that’s that done, move on” and the grief (in whatever form, including indifference) stops after the wake.

Imvho there are other ways to say goodbye or get closure. There are other ways to remember or respect the ones who have gone.

Like an earlier poster I concede that this isn’t a common view though.

WindsorBlues · 21/05/2020 22:01

My dad didn't go to his parents funeral, they'd been been estranged 25+ years. He said he wouldn't of felt comfortable going as he'd made peace with that part of his life and left it behind long ago.

My siblings and I did take him and my DM out for a nice lunch and a few cocktails on the day of the funeral so he was surrounded by us all encase he needed any support but he was fine.

Do what's right for you, no two situations the same.

Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2020 22:03

Hadn’t seen my father for 6 years before he died
I didn’t go to see him in hospital at the end or the funeral - my brother said I would regret it . He was wrong, I haven’t, not even for a minute.
My father was an arsehole, him dying didn’t change that and I sure as hell didn’t want to see his awful family either

CSIblonde · 21/05/2020 22:22

If you feel you need to, I would go. I didn't go to my mother's. I went looking for her after 25years no contact but she'd died 3yrs before. I was quite giddy with relief for least 3days & the counselling session I had shortly after was odd, I still felt quite euphoric, but bordering on mild WTF hysteria if I'm honest, as I'd geared myself up to re establish contact only to have my say, nothing else. I still don't feel sad & don't expect too.

JustALittlePinot · 21/05/2020 22:43

Based on what you have said OP, and you obviously know more than me, but alcoholism is not a choice. Your dad didn’t choose it over you. It’s desperately sad that this took over the dad you loved and in his sober moments and darkest moments he will have recognised this. It is up to you whether you attend the funeral- do what you feel is best. No one judges- every situation is unique.

Leaannb · 21/05/2020 23:18

No I won't go to my estranged parents funeral. They have been dead to me for years. Why waste my time

DownstairsMixUp · 21/05/2020 23:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JustALittlePinot · 21/05/2020 23:26

Leaannb Everyone’s circumstances are unique I hope you are ok

indemMUND · 21/05/2020 23:43

The decision is yours to weigh up. It's too personal for anyone else to pass judgement not knowing your history.
I hope you come to a decision that brings you the most amount of peace

PinkDramaLlama · 21/05/2020 23:51

I'm 12 years NC with my dad, he's in his 80s and not very well. I did my grieving 12 years ago when contact stopped - not sure attending a funeral will make any difference now.

Mulderitssme · 21/05/2020 23:53

I didn't go to my biological mother's funeral and I have absolutely no regret. I didn't give it a second thought. If I had gone I would have been a hypocrite. I would have felt worse if I had attended.p

EmeraldShamrock · 22/05/2020 00:07

OP I'm sorry for your loss. Addicts are weak selfish, it is awful for family members.
I think you should go from your posts you love him you might regret it. Forget the other family members or number limits you're his daughter take your place if you choose to go.
I'm really sorry.

callmeadoctor · 22/05/2020 00:14

I was just going to say that you may not be allowed to go anyway because of attendance rules re corona

Charliesmum123 · 22/05/2020 01:10

Hi all just reading through all your honest posts has given me the strength to realise I won’t be going to my moms funeral,buried my lovely dad last week,so grieving him,I was bought up with alcohol parents,lots of domestic abuse aswell so my mental health is not great at the moment,I made some bad decisions with relationships,was raped,single parent,now in a good marriage,but my self confidence is on the floor,I’ve realised I have some sort of anxiety disorder (undiagnosed) I’m hoping to see a doctor soon,but seeing my mother has triggered a lot of pain from the past,so no I won’t be going to her funeral,awful way to think but I think I will be relieved when she goes. See how you feel on the day,good luck

lolli7 · 22/05/2020 01:30

My dad died earlier this year and I’m so glad I didn’t attend his funeral. I hadn’t seen him for 10 years and he was never part of my life as a father figure. After his funeral I had seen pictures posted on Facebook of the service hand outs with pictures of him and his other children all over them... not one picture of me and him. I honestly think I would have walked out of the service and it would have brought up so many buried emotions. I said goodbye in my own way and glad I trusted my instincts not to attend.

Do what feels right for you OP

Friendsofmine · 22/05/2020 05:57

I would plan to go and leave if you need to. I wonder if either way you have more work to do in coming to terms with his addiction and how it has left you feeling though, as you have a sense that you need to avoid it to avoid the pain that might be under the surface?

CallMeRachel · 22/05/2020 10:07

Addicts are weak selfish

I don't want to derail the thread but that's a disgusting comment.
Addiction is an illness and is usually started because of poor MH or past trauma. We have no idea why those who end up in this path do so.

Please be kind.

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