To tell my friend to leave her DH or shut up?

[Pepperwand]

I have a very good friend that I've known for 3 years since we moved into the same street. As long as I've known her she's been unhappy with her DH. He doesn't help with the children, they don't have sex, constantly nitpicking and bickering etc etc. She's said before that she's unhappy and has talked to him occasionally about it but nothing changes. She flits from saying she thinks she would be better off alone to saying he's not that bad as he's not abusive (!).

I'm just tired of having the same conversation with her over and over again. Literally every time we speak she's moaning about him and I do get it's difficult but she doesn't seem to want any constructive advice or help.... I think more just to have a sounding board and get it off her chest. I probably sound awful but I'm just sick of it, she's not been happy as long as I've known her but doesn't really seem to want to change anything. I do get that it must be a very difficult decision to leave a marriage when you have DC but after another long phone call last night when she was going over all the same old stuff I felt like saying "please just do something about it or stop using me as your personal sounding board on this issue because I don't think you actually want my help".... maybe I should have....should I?

I would. There's only so much anyone can take, and it seems you are more her dumping ground than a friend she appreciates having in her life. It's all one sided, wouldn't you agree?

I'd be distancing myself.

I emailed a friend ending our friendship over her topic of conversation only ever being her exh!! Drained me for 6 years and really couldn't take it anymore.
Oh the relief!!
Yanbu to do similar op!!

I had a friend in a similarly unhappy relationship for years. After the first year of all conversations dominated by her feelings on this and his latest transgression I told her I didn't want to hear his name again. If she tried to bring him up I said "no sorry don't want to hear it"
It saved our friendship as the one sided nature of our conversations nearly led to me stopping contact altogether.
I know she was annoyed with me but I had nothing to lose at that point as I was ready to just walk away anyway.
She dumped him in the end.

Maybe she doesn't realise the extent to which she is dominating conversation. You would not be unreasonable to have a word, if it is done in a sensitive way.

I’ve got a friend of over 25 years who is like this! She rants about him constantly and after a few drinks it’s torture. We’ve all been telling her he is financially abusive for the past 20 years plus yet she goes off on one at us as is she’s trying to persuade us he’s a knob and we are disagree! When you try to shut her up she just talks more loudly over you. She’s phoning constantly during lock down as she’s stuck in with him / it’s got to the point where I’ve emailed her to say my phone is broken and waiting for anew one. I wish I was more assertive and could tell her to shut up.

Maybe not in such a harsh way if shes an actual friend, I wouldn't be so cruel. But you can def tell her kindly that she talks about it a lot and that maybe she should seriously consider leaving him as from the outside it's consuming her everything (and yours)

Yes I definitely think lockdown has made it worse as she's stuck at home with him.... I imagine there'll be a lot of divorces after this is over.

I am absolutely rubbish at being assertive/difficult conversations and can be a doormat but it's starting to get to me so I think I'm going to have to have a word.

@Aquamarine1029 you are right. I do feel that when I'm speaking she isn't listening... just waiting until she can start speaking again. She's great in many other ways and our DC are good friends but I do think she's got a dominant personality and I can be a bit of a wet blanket so I'm probably ideal company for her!