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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH going on a roadtrip

58 replies

Areyouhavingapoomum · 20/05/2020 18:44

We have moved cross country, fairly recently, with baby and toddler. DH has declared he is going back to home town. For a few days.
I've mentioned the fact he isn't actually allowed to, plus he's taking risk to shielding parents and bringing back risk to us.
I've said it's not my decision to make, but think it's not responsible.
Am I being horribly controlling and irrational or is he being a twat?

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/05/2020 09:28

He misses his friends so much he'd risk giving his shielding parents/friends covid 19? And is also fine with the risk of returning it to his own family.

He's being a childish twat OP. Just because you want something doesn't mean you have to get it. He should wait. I'm surprised they'll have him. I'd not meet a friend who'd done this because I'd think they were a knob.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2020 09:58

This is one of the rare times you should show him this thread.

So he's already revealed himself to you as a total thoughtless selfish twat who thinks it's just fine to decide he needs a break from it all, shrugs his shoulders and tells you he's out of the team for a few days, here are my parenting/family responsibilities, you can just do it all. Oh and he might spread a wee virus around, including back to your baby - but hey, don't you understand that he's stressed?

Tell him if he wants all his friends back hom to have the same opinion of him as you do now, off he goes. Does he have the faintest glimmer of self-awareness? Does he honestly think they're all going to go 'wahey' and start planning barbecues? It's more likely that he's going to be faced with an awkward surprised silence when he rocks up and an offer to have a socially distanced chat or two across a garden wall as people are still mostly being sensible, caring about their families and silly shit like that. He's going to make himself look like a complete arse. Nobody is really socialising. Someone travelling to do just that when they know he's got two small children he's left behind to do so is going to look like the most self-absorbed knob ever right now. Especially as everyone feels the same - he isn't some special suffering flower - and they're doing things like using zoom to keep in touch instead. Is he not doing that? Does he not understand any of this?

This must be an eye-opener OP. If he goes, tell him to just check with whereever he stays that he can stay there for a further fortnight to self-isolate before returning, because although he doesn't seem to be prioritising your baby, you are.

IncrediblySadToo · 21/05/2020 10:03

TWAT.

For so many reasons! Pretty much all posted above. He needs to grow the fuck up.

If he went I'd tell him not to come back, I couldn't live with such a stupid, selfish idiot! And that's coming from someone, who in 'normal' times wouldn't mind one bit.

BubblyBarbara · 21/05/2020 10:13

Tell him if he actually goes through with this, he might as well never come back because it’s over. It’s hugely thoughtless and really demonstrates what he will be like if something serious happens in your life, he will just run away and leave you in the lurch. Nip it in the bud right now and see if you can pressure him into staying, if so then you know he’s pliable.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/05/2020 10:16

Yes. I would have to say that I'd be more interested in whether he would actually do this for the precise reason that it would be a very, very useful insight into what kind of real partner and father he's likely to be long term. When the chips are down, will he put himself before the needs of the family and the needs of the children. Will he be there for the hard yards? It's tough for everyone right now. He sounds very selfish and very very weak.

Original poster

Areyouhavingapoomum · 21/05/2020 13:15

Currently he is saying it was just an idea and he would only have seen friends, not family, so it would be low risk (!) He has decided against going, due to not having anywhere to stay. Not any of the other, more important reasons.

Thanks for the support and letting me know I'm not crazy!

OP posts:

SummerWhisper · 21/05/2020 13:42

Show him the thread, as Fizzy suggested, in case it sinks in that he is still a complete knob for changing his mind for the wrong reasons and not because he is putting his family first.

If you do read this, your wife deserves better. Wanker.

Original poster

Areyouhavingapoomum · 21/05/2020 15:31

@FizzyGreenWater that's pretty much how I feel. He's not actually run it past any of the friends he wants to catch up with, despite one having a newborn, I'd like to think they'd refuse him, but who knows.

OP posts:

LakieLady · 21/05/2020 15:32

Megatwat.

Wonkydonkey44 · 21/05/2020 15:33

He’s a twat , the guidelines say you can’t stay away over night .

GrimDamnFanjo · 21/05/2020 15:56

He's a bit hard of thinking isn't he?

NearlyGranny · 21/05/2020 22:22

Well done for lobbing in the curly questions and letting him come to the conclusion that it was a non-starter!

billy1966 · 21/05/2020 23:12

@FizzyGreenWater

Absolutely correct.

OP, he has given you a very open and honest look at who he really is.

Not a shred of self awareness or simple cop on.

He sounds really, really dim.

So sorry for you.

Is there anything as unattractive as stupidity?

Mind yourself OP.
You deserve better.

Original poster

Areyouhavingapoomum · 28/05/2020 16:11

So. Update. He's going. As a day trip, since there's nowhere to stay. As in 10hrs driving and seeing a couple of friends (separately and socially distancing). I did question the toileting situation as he can't enter their houses, he hadn't thought about it, but services will have toilets, so that's alright then. I said he knows my opinion, but is an adult and will do as he wishes.

He's given me the date and taken me "ok then" as a delighted blessing of the plan. Still don't like it, but can not handle the sulk. That was bad enough when I thought he was reaching with being allowed to travel to the outdoors. I'm just a bit sad.

OP posts:

ButteryPuffin · 28/05/2020 16:18

Ok, if he wants to spend 10 hours travelling to shout at people across a garden or something, that's down to him. I would work out what day you're going to leave the house on your own for your own day out, even if it's just going for a local walk with a picnic in a bag for a few hours. You could do two half days. He takes charge of the kids for those times.

Original poster

Areyouhavingapoomum · 28/05/2020 18:10

I'm taking them to grandparents when it's actually allowed, and going for a weekend off!I'm so cross and feel like an idiot for being bothered

OP posts:

Thisismeimabitch · 28/05/2020 18:11

He’s a twat

NearlyGranny · 28/05/2020 18:24

He'll stay overnight, won't he? Nobody is going to do a 10 hour drive, socialise and then drive another 10 hours home. He will have to isolate at home when he comes back, but you can't make him!

He needs to know your surrender is just that - not approval - and that he is putting his immediate family at risk. Who on earth is he seeing who means more to him than you do; that's the question? Do you think he's been unfaithful?

I sincerely hope the household(s) he fetchedls up at are smarter than he is and send him packing. The man's an idiot, sorry.

Original poster

Areyouhavingapoomum · 28/05/2020 19:53

One friend has welcomed him with open arms, he's not yet checked with the others.
He doesn't have the scope to be unfaithful, no time, or imagination.

OP posts:

Original poster

Areyouhavingapoomum · 28/05/2020 19:54

Sorry 5hrs each way, so 10hours, plus a long walk with each pal....

OP posts:

LizzieLoafer · 28/05/2020 19:57

He sounds a bit thick.

ButteryPuffin · 28/05/2020 21:07

None of them sound overly bright. Plus I wonder if they've run this surprise visit from their mate past their own wives or partners.

staceyflack · 28/05/2020 21:16

Twat.
We'd all like a road trip / holiday wouldn't we.

Original poster

Areyouhavingapoomum · 31/05/2020 23:40

He did it. Home alone with the smalls today while the jolly occured. Don't know full details as he's still travelling. Still cross, but have to not react in the morning. Providing he gets here, after smoking it up with his mates all day.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 31/05/2020 23:54

What an eye opener.

Sometimes these things are useful to know OP.

If he stays overnight, he can’t come home yes?

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