To stop ex from having DS again until lockdown is over

[MysteryFrog]

DS has been staying at his dads every other weekend as per the court order (although ex has been messing around adding days and changing times without warning which has been stressful). DS (8) was at his the weekend just gone.

DS has just told me that while he was at his dads they went for a drive with low fuel and no phone, the car ran out of fuel on the road too far away to walk home so they left the car in the road and hitchhiked home. I’ve texted ex about it and he genuinely doesn’t seem to see why it’s an issue that he put DS in a strangers car during a pandemic.

WIBU to stop contact until lockdown is over because ex has proven that he can’t keep DS safe. (To be honest it seems like a dangerous situation to me regardless of the pandemic)

I’m honestly shocked by some of these replies. If someone had put your child’s life at risk would you really sit back and do nothing about it?

It’s not just ‘someone’ though. It’s the child’s father. Who has the right to parent him presumably even though you don’t like it.

Why are you even asking us?

You clearly want to estrange your son from his father.

Maybe he'll forgive you for that when he's older.

But it is likely to damage him.

If someone had put your child’s life at risk would you really sit back and do nothing about it?

Well every time your son gets into a car his life is at risk, so you should probably only have phone contact with him too.

This whole lockdown hyperbole about putting lives at risk really has to stop.

Your son's father RAN OUT OF PETROL.

That't it.

If he'd let your son drink petrol you might have a point.

@MysteryFrog
Except I put him in his car seat with a seatbelt, not in the front seat on my lap with no seatbelt

I suspect the issue here is yours not mine, you seem to be taking this very personally

Running out of petrol isn’t the issue here, lack of social distancing (they could have walked him), getting into a car with a total stranger during lockdown, not putting a seatbelt on him

Sorry somehow tagged myself, that is obviously aimed at @Nihiloxica

She’s not taking it personally at all, that’s a daft thing to say.

Running out of petrol (as your initial post was about) is not a big deal. My H crashed his car due to inattention at a junction and wrote off someone else’s car with our daughter in the car.

He wasn’t forbidden from seeing her.

Would you rather he phoned recovery or a taxi?

@nicknacky I’ve already said they could have walked home very easily, and that he didn’t have his phone on him so he wouldn’t be able to do that anyway.

He should have been responsible...Or should have walked...or should have called recovery (who are social distancing v effectively, I discovered recently) but he shouldn’t have hitchhiked and stuck his child in a random’s car like that. Quite clear.

So maybe he thought it was safer not to walk? Honestly, take a step back for a minute and calm down.

And think about if deep down , really really deep down you are using coronavirus as your excuse to do this. And genuinely, is it better for your son for him no to see his dad any more.

Also presumably your husband didn’t have your daughter in the front with him with no seatbelt on

Travelling without a seatbelt for a short journey in an emergency is fine.

Car seats aren't magic. Children in them still die.

So you are also risking his life by putting him in a car.

He's at far more risk of dying in a car accident than dying from Covid-19.

I'm not taking this personally, I have no horse in this race at all.

I would have just walked home with a kid of that age, I certainly wouldn't have hitchhiked.

But I'm very amused at the idea that the risk of hitchhiking is now that you might catch an infection and not that they might be a serial killer, which is the reason I don't do it.

MysteryFog You must have missed my point. My husband fucked up and caused a car crash that potentially could have been serious (although wasn’t thankfully)

Just like your ex fucked up and made a mistake where there was no serious consequences.

Basically the child is FINE.

NOTHING bad happened to him.

And you are considering doing something very bad to him (cutting him off from his own Dad).

I just don't get how you think what his Dad did is worse than what you are planning to do.

He's at far more risk of dying in a car accident than dying from Covid-19. I’m not worried about him dying from Covid 19, I’m literally talking about the lack of car safety

But I'm very amused at the idea that the risk of hitchhiking is now that you might catch an infection and not that they might be a serial killer, which is the reason I don't do it. grin that is my primary concern, however the risk of catching the virus is a secondary concern at the moment

There are several separate issues here, it’s not just about the virus. That’s just an added problem in the list.

If you have no money for legal advice, Google for your nearest Law Centre and ask to email their family solicitor. He is breaking the contact agreement every time he arbitrarily changes the days; start with challenging that.

Thanks @Thelnebriati

Am I losing my mind here? Obviously the issue isnt that he ran out of petrol. It is that they hitchhiked which is so dangerous?

Thank you @crazytoast I’m glad you understand! It’s the hitchhiking and the lack of general car safety that’s the main issue, which would be an issue if this happened at any time.

The lack of social distancing is an issue in the current circumstances although in normal circumstances obviously wouldn’t be a concern.

Going for a drive with low fuel and no phone wouldn’t be a huge problem on its own however it has led to bigger problems and would have been easily avoided.

I think focusing on the virus would be a mistake, personally, as for a child the risk is minimal anyway, unless your DS has an underlying health issue that you haven't mentioned? Your ex does appear to have been irresponsible in allowing himself to run out of petrol, and then hitchhiking when they could have walked back (because the unknown driver could have been a serial killer / robber /simply a poor/drunk driver for all he knew, not because of the virus).

I wouldn't see this incident as a reason to stop contact on its own, some of the other things you've mentioned would worry me more tbh. However, your DS has a relationship with his dad so the upset to him of stopping contact could be more damaging to him.

ended up in a similar situation again and there was a collision (as I said, front seat on dads lap with no seatbelt) it could be considered partly my fault as I allowed contact to continue despite knowing how irresponsible his dad is.

You need further legal advice, ideally some that isn't a pile of crap.

@Mittens030869 He doesn’t have much of a relationship with him, ex barely saw DS til he was 6 1/2 then only wanted to get involved because I settled down with someone else. He still cancels half the time or leaves DS with his dad (DS’s grandad) while he goes away for the weekends he’s supposed to have him or just sleeps all day according to DS. DS usually doesn’t want to see him, it’s caused a lot of behavioural issues and then Ex took me to court to try to stop me from getting DS support for his mental health. So there is a huge back story here, this isn’t a one off it’s part of a pattern of behaviour.

@Chachang I will be getting more legal advice, I’ve also contacted the local safeguarding team.

the lack of general car safety that’s the main issue
So what does 'until lockdown is over' have to do with anything?

And I might have missed something, but 'too far away to walk home' seemed at some point to morph into 'could perfectly well have walked home'.

You might well have perfectly valid concerns, but I get the impression you also have an agenda re ending contact.