I know I'm probably over thinking as always

[Mummyneedsginnow]

I'll try and make it clear and not babble, I have two children, both SEN, one confirmed diagnosis, one unknown but various issues, my eldest is underweight due to medication he takes for his condition, my eldest is chunky but following a recent appointment with her specialist, she follows her centile and there are no concerns from her paediatrician

My mum, has lots of issues with the children not being 'normal', she believes my son will grow out of his issues, something that has been confirmed impossible by his medical team, she believes my daughter is fat because she overeats and is lazy .. her words. My daughter has physical issues with running etc, frequent falls, feet cross etc and is awaiting physio but obviously in current times this will be delayed.

Today I posted a pic of two starlings, a mummy and baby, mummy feeding baby

Mum comments - I'm going to name them #£&@ and &@_# (my name and daughters)

I know it sounds a stupid thing to get upset about but she's forever digging at her, snide remarks and letting eldest have seconds and thirds and saying to daughter, no you don't need anymore, you won't waste away etc

I'm not allowed to discuss my children's issues with family on her orders, I don't say anything but sometimes family ask, it's awkward to avoid but if she's present I'll be getting daggers from her or telling off after,

Sorry, I needed to write it down to get it off my chest. Please be kind

Sorry I didn't mean to enable voting, or chunter on

Sounds like a bit of a dig to me, but one that's quite innocuous and she'd be very able to plead ignorance if you pulled her up on it. She doesn't sound supportive or kind at all. Why doesn't she allow you to talk about your children's issues with family? If she tells you off for doing so quite frankly I'd tell her sod off and stop being so bloody nasty. Your kids are nothing to be ashamed of.

@binkalater
She is in all honesty probably disappointed, or ashamed or both, unfortunately mine will be her only grandchildren, and because they are not neurotypical, I think she prefers not to have information out there as it doesn't fit what she expected or hoped for

I love my children with every fibre of my being, I wouldn't change them, I'd change the world to be more accepting of their differences.
I've sat on the floor in a major supermarket, holding my son whilst anxiety and behaviours overcome him, I've looked people in the eye while they stared but I can't stand up to my own mother

My daughter's hair is braided at the moment as it's easier to care for and she finds it comfortable, last comment from mother was "I don't like it like that it looks like rat tails" to my daughter

She tells me I look like a witch with my hair down

It goes on but I just needed to get it out as it eats me up inside

Your mother sounds nasty and intimidating. Do you call her out on the way she is?

She's a vile person op. Why do you need to see her? Go low contact, she'll never change. I'm sorry.

Your mother doesn’t sound very supportive! I’m sorry you have to put up with her remarks. Seems to me you have a few choices, talk to her honestly about the situation and how it makes you feel, keep her at more of a distance or find a new way to put up with her behaviour. It sound wearing though. I really don’t see why you should have to change who you are to accommodate her feelings. Best of luck OP

Then you need to say

'I don't want you around me or the children whilst you say unkind things'

And follow through

Don't see her at yours for a while so that, whilst your mum is learning to be kind, you can walk away and go home , should she slip up and be unkind.

You have to teach your children that unkindness is unacceptable and it isn't necessary to stick around to listen to it

I think you need to limit contact with her if she's unable to keep her vicious opinions to herself, your children shouldn't have to hear that sort of stuff, especially your DD, that's so cruel. I'm really sorry though, it's easy to say cut her out but she's still your mum and that's a hard thing to do. Do you have a partner or other friends who support you?

It's funny (but not)
I was bought up on the principal, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all

I am going to have to grow a backbone, I'm pathetic it's just I've spent my whole life feeling worthless
I will not allow that for my children. We are not seeing her at minute due to situation and we see her once every six to eight weeks, allowed to arrive at a set time and must leave by allocated time
Don't know why I bother tbh as I always feel shit after

My daughter doesn't hear her, she doesn't have the capacity to understand the digs however that may change in the future I know

@Binkalater
I'm a single parent and don't have friends other than work or school

I know I need to grow up

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. It takes practice to learn to be able to distance yourself from your Mum. It's doable and I'm sure you can do it. But it's hard work imo - although sometimes very necessary

You don’t need to grow up. You need to get over the betrayal by your mother. The one person in the world whom you should be able to trust.

Your kids haven’t grasped her disgust or embarrassment about them yet. But they will. And they will be hurt. Like you are hurting now. Through no fault of your own.

So yes you do need to speak to her. Along the lines of if she can’t be nice you and dc will not be visiting her any more. While you appreciate she wants perfect family members and wants to hide anything she sees as flaws because she is embarrassed, you are not prepared to put up with that attitude any longer. That “my mother” (id say that not ‘you‘ say ‘my mother’) taught me if there is nothing nice to say to say nothing. I’d appreciate it if you could follow that guidance to.

If she doesn’t, gather up dc and leave. And I’d talk to anyone in your family that you want about your dc. Why shouldn’t you? What is this, are we back in the days that kids who are even slightly neuro-diverse are flung into homes and hidden?

The 1920s rang they want your mother and her antiquated ideas back....

Don't be so hard on yourself, it's really not that easy. You sound like a brilliant mum and it's such a shame your own mum isn't more like you

Your job is to instill strong self esteem and self confidence in your children, through the knowledge that you value and admire them for themselves and not anyone else’s idea of how they should be.
You hopefully wouldn’t allow your children to be bullied or ridiculed at school or in the street, so don’t allow it at home by family members.
I really think you are the one who should feel disappointed or ashamed, by your mother’s attitude.Very few people share her mindset, so please find the strength to stand up to her and be strong for your children.
Your world won’t fall apart if you offend or fall out with your mother !

If your mother is that much of a bully to you and your children then you need to grow a backbone like yesterday and cut her out. Show your kids how much you love them by respecting yourself and protecting your children.

Ashamed of her own grandchildren. Despicable

Get some therapy too. You are worthy and wonderful ... no matter what she conditions you to believe

I pity her. She's missing out in a loving relationship with her daughter and grandchildren.
Unfortunately it seems she's embarrassed by you and your DC and she cares more what others think and worries you all reflect badly on her.
She ought to be ashamed.
Luckily your DC will never know what it's like to have such a sad excuse of a parent.
She must be a terribly insecure woman.

I know I am failing them by my failure to tell her

I am conditioned unfortunately from years of her behaviour however I do try my best

I tell my children every day how amazing, strong, brilliant they are but I will do better

Thankyou for all your messages